Happy 3rd Birthday Abby!

Dear Abby,

I can't believe it's been three years since I held you and kissed your sweet face for the first and last time. Some days it feels like it was yesterday and other days it feels like it was a lifetime ago. Sometimes it even feels like it was all just a bad dream, even if only for a moment. How I wish it was just a dream! But you were here and you left a huge imprint on our hearts. We will never be the same. Our lives were changed forever the day you were born. You were so beautiful and perfect. We felt like we would never heal from your death. While time has helped ease our pain, we still miss you so much. There will always be an empty place in our hearts that only you can fill. We will always wonder what life would have been like if you had stayed. Especially for your big brother who misses you so much. You would have been such good buddies. I miss that I don't get to see you growing up together and that you never got to play together. His love for you is so tender and sweet. He asked to have a framed picture of you in his room for Christmas this year. It was so sweet. I am glad he remembers. This morning he asked us, very eagerly, "are we going to send balloons to Abby today?" He was actually excited it was your birthday and to do something to remember you. We released three pink balloons and three white balloons. I hope you saw them! And I hope you know how much we love you and can't wait until the day we will see you and hold you and kiss your precious face again when we are all together in Heaven. That is our HOPE ... that we will see you and on that day our family circle will be complete, never to be broken again. Happy Birthday precious, sweet daughter. I love and miss you so much ...

Love,
Mommy

Mother-in-law blues

My mother-in-law and I started having problems around my miscarriage last year. During my grief after Abby died, she was wonderful. But it changed dramatically after my miscarriage and I don't understand why. I called her for prayer when I thought I was losing the baby and instead of praying for me, she mocked me saying, "you are fine, the baby is fine, everything is fine" in song the proceeded to tell me that she had just prayed with a friend who said that I was going to lose the baby due to fear. As if somehow my fear had the power to kill my unborn child? The next day I began to miscarry the baby. There were so many painful comments over my miscarriage, that I completely withdrew from everyone in my life except my husband, son and neighbor, Jennifer, who was completely supportive and caring. I knew I needed to be away when the barrage of comments began including those made by my sister-in-law, "maybe it was God's way of showing you that you can have another baby" and "I'm tired of death -- our business is dying and your babies are dying." It seemed the only way to protect myself was to stay away from everyone. About 4 weeks later, I was finally ready to see them for the first time and began the process of letting people back into my life. The first time I saw MIL and SIL was at SIL's birthday party (which was also a celebration of her dad, daughter and son's birthdays). It was peaceful and I felt I had made peace in my heart towards them, but just as I was beginning to feel comfortable, my old fried Nicole started up the driveway and it all fell apart. MIL and SIL had been totally supportive of my decision to stay out of this relationship even to the point of telling me they would choose me over her (which I didn't expect). Yet here she was pulling up the driveway!? I lost it and yelled at both MIL and SIL then darted through the woods and down the hill in tears. I called Chad on the phone and told him what happened. He came and picked me up down the street and we went to meet with our pastor. After praying and talking w/him, we decided not to let the sun go down on our anger and went back to MIL to follow the Matthew 18 model of confronting the individual. Instead of receiving us, she mocked me further, throwing herself at my feet and asking if her blood would be enough to satisfy me. She told me that she was sick of walking on eggshells and that everyone around us was uncomfortable. Wow. Am I not worth walking on eggshells in my grief? What about how uncomfortable I was? What about my pain? Wasn't I, after all, the one suffering? It wasn't until I began sobbing that she broke down and hugged me. No apology. No reconciliation. Just her pity wrapping me up in her arms. That was over a year ago and our relationship has never been the same. Later that year, she told us that she was going to apply for a position to work at the same place where Chad worked. Chad was dead-set against it, as the people there had become his refuge and safe place and he did not want her there. It created a huge fight between them and his mom said she was going to take the job whether he liked it or not. Then she backed down. We have spent the last year pursuing peace and excercising our "no" in the relationship in order to set healthy boundaries and heal from the whole ordeal. Then, this week, she communicated that she again wanted the position and was going to take it whether or not he/we liked it. She said that she loved God more than her children and nothing he said could change her mind. I am so sick of the "God said" trump card that she uses to get what she wants. Who can argue with that? It's the same thing she did when we confronted her after the Nicole incident. Instead of taking personal responsibility for herself, she told me that I had a spirit of offense (by the way, I have never seen that term anywhere in the Bible, so I'm not sure where she comes up with it). I talked to my counselor @ First Christian Assembly and she said the same thing -- "what is a spirit of offense?" She agreed it was a tactic to avoid responsibility. I guess the fact that she has accepted this position and is invading our lives again triggers all of these old feelings. Maybe they were never really gone. All I know is that I am so angry and I don't want to be. I want to let it go, but I don't know how when the people involved won't do their part. How do you forgive someone who won't admit they are wrong or say they are sorry for hurting you? God, help me forgive. Help me love. Help me move on ...

Putting the crib back up ... sigh ...

We put the crib back up today. It wasn't the way I had expected. We did not put it back up to begin the process of preparing to bring HOPE home and redecorating the room. Instead, we put it back up, just as it looked when we were expecting Abby so that it would present well when we start showing our home. I was filled with mixed emotions today and trying so hard to surpress them. As I walked around the house looking at what we had done, I wondered what prospective buyers would think as they walked through. Would they think she was alive and this was her room? Would they look around and wonder why there aren't any toys or signs of a baby in the house? Would they put it together when they see the memorials around the house and figure out that she is dead? Would they even give it any thought at all??? We felt it was important to put the room back together and now I'm wondering if that was such a good decision. It does make it look better with the crib than with the daybed, which took up half the room. The crib makes the room look bigger. And it is prettier. But it stirs so many emotions for me. I am sad that this will not be the house that Hope comes home to from Russia. I am sad that I will never get the joy of redecorating that room and making it a place for life instead of a memory of death. I am sad that neither Abby or Hope will ever live or grow up in this house. I guess I'll just keep the door closed and try not to think about it ...

Fall is coming ...

Days like today make me think about Abby. I have been holding a lot in lately. Just not sure who I can turn to with all this pain and anger. I think holding the pain in has turned it into anger. When I get emotional, I lash out when really I just need to cry. But I feel like no one will accept my tears anymore. Maybe that's a lie, but it's how I feel at times. With some problems with the adoption arising, I wonder, will I ever have another child to love? Or will I always carry this pain for the one I gave birth to and lost? She was here! I kissed her! I held her! I loved her! And she's gone. I long for Heaven. This life is so full of pain. I would never take my life -- I love my husband and son. But if they were gone, I would have no reason to stay. I stay for them. I live for them. I want to live for more, but if I'm really honest with myself, I just make it because they need me to make it. I live life and stuff this pain because they need me to. I don't know what I'd do or how I'd live if I didn't have them. I love you, Lord, but I'm struggling so hard to trust you. I wish I could just give you my whole heart, but there is a part of me that still blames you for what happened. You could have prevented it, but you didn't. WHERE WERE YOU?????????? Why did you abandon me? I just want my little girl. I want a normal life. I want what everyone else is just so easily allowed to have. I don't want to work so hard to build a family. I just want to HAVE one. Why why why is it so hard and so much to ask? Please restore my trust in you. Restore my faith and bring me peace as I approach yet another fall without my Abby and without HOPE.

My Sweet ^Z^

Dear Zach,

One year ago my dream of having another biological child died with you. I know I have not paid attention to you like I did to Abby when she died. I guess it was too painful to mourn another loss. I just wanted life to return to normal. To feel whole again. It hurt so much to spend all those months trying and trying to get pregnant only to lose another baby. But I want to acknowledge you today and let you know that I do remember you, I do love you and that I wanted you every bit as much as I wanted your big brother and sister. I feel guilty for not doing things to remember you like I do with Abby. Abby was here. I saw her. I held her. I kissed her. I touched her. Your existence just seems like a dream. You were only in my womb for a brief moment, but in that moment you gave me so much hope. I will never forget all the ways that God showed me that, even though it was a painful time for me, His hand was still on my life. From the dream that I would have a son named Zach to your big brother naming you, not knowing that was already your name in my heart. I couldn't believe we didn't get to keep you. It hurt so much. I will always remember that you are mine and that one day I will see your tiny face, hold you, kiss you and hug you, like I did your big sister. And our family chain will never again be broken. Until that day, June 24 will always remind me of you and what could have been. I love you sweet son.

Love,
Mommy

PLEASE!

PLEASE

PLEASE, don’t ask me if I’m over it yet.
I’ll never be over it.

PLEASE, don’t tell me she’s in a better place.
She isn’t here with me.

PLEASE, don’t tell me you know how I feel
Unless you have lost a child.

PLEASE, don’t ask me if I feel better.
Bereavement isn’t a condition that clears up.

PLEASE, don’t tell me at least you had her for so many years
(or that I'm lucky that I lost her before I became too attached)
What year would you choose for your child to die?

PLEASE, don’t tell me God never gives us more than we can bear.

PLEASE, just say you are sorry.

PLEASE, just say you remember my child, if you do.

PLEASE, just let me talk about my child.

PLEASE, mention my child’s name.

PLEASE, just let me cry.


Written by Rita Moran (in Compassionate Friends)

Article About Abby

Hi all, I haven't been on here in a long time, but I wanted to share something that happened recently. A reporter from the Daily Herald in Lehi, Utah, contacted me last week and asked if they could use a photo that was touched up by Angelpics for an article they were writing about the organization in their community. When Abby was born, there was only one photo taken of her face that we felt we could share w/our friends and family (the one in my full profile). We considered it a miracle that we had at least one that turned out so perfect, but we were still disappointed that the remaining photos showed too much trauma from her birth and death to share. Angelpics was able to retouch a few pictures for us and now we have several that we are able share with others and remember our daughter. I know you understand the importance of photographs and the validation that they bring. The article ran this morning w/o the photo, but they mentioned my daughter and my feelings about the pictures. I wanted to share it with you. The reporter did a wonderful job with the article and Angelpics did a wonderful job with our photos. I would highly recommend them.

Angelpics story in Daily Herald, Lehi