Fall is coming ...

Days like today make me think about Abby. I have been holding a lot in lately. Just not sure who I can turn to with all this pain and anger. I think holding the pain in has turned it into anger. When I get emotional, I lash out when really I just need to cry. But I feel like no one will accept my tears anymore. Maybe that's a lie, but it's how I feel at times. With some problems with the adoption arising, I wonder, will I ever have another child to love? Or will I always carry this pain for the one I gave birth to and lost? She was here! I kissed her! I held her! I loved her! And she's gone. I long for Heaven. This life is so full of pain. I would never take my life -- I love my husband and son. But if they were gone, I would have no reason to stay. I stay for them. I live for them. I want to live for more, but if I'm really honest with myself, I just make it because they need me to make it. I live life and stuff this pain because they need me to. I don't know what I'd do or how I'd live if I didn't have them. I love you, Lord, but I'm struggling so hard to trust you. I wish I could just give you my whole heart, but there is a part of me that still blames you for what happened. You could have prevented it, but you didn't. WHERE WERE YOU?????????? Why did you abandon me? I just want my little girl. I want a normal life. I want what everyone else is just so easily allowed to have. I don't want to work so hard to build a family. I just want to HAVE one. Why why why is it so hard and so much to ask? Please restore my trust in you. Restore my faith and bring me peace as I approach yet another fall without my Abby and without HOPE.