Grief

I hate this low place. Hate it. Hate that others don't understand it. Hate that I have to go through it. Every morning I wake up wondering what I'm going to do to avoid the deep pain in my heart. How to get around it and not feel it. I hate that even my faith can't make it better. It is what it is. Pain. Grief. Sorrow. And it feels like it's never going to end ...

Missing the way it was ...

I am just missing the way my life was before this journey started. I miss the friends I've lost. Not who they are now, but who they were before my life was turned upside down. I miss the casual conversations and lighthearted days we used to spend together. I miss being able to talk about unimportant things without thinking they were stupid, unimportant things. I miss myself, the me that existed before I became the mother of a child who died. The one who was just happy with what I had and didn't need anything more. The one who didn't have to struggle so hard to connect with the rest of the world. I miss being a normal person with normal problems. I miss having best friends who understand everything about me and accept me just the way I am. I miss the simplicity of my life, the sheer joy of just being a mom and a wife. I miss the freedom from this heavy weight on my shoulders, this cross I have to bear and the way that it affects every part of who I am. I just miss my life the way it was before all this happened to me.