I just had a miscarriage last week after ttc again for 16 months, a surgery and 8 months of fertility treatments. It brings all my grief over losing Abby to the surface. And the stupid comments are flying already, most of them from family members. I just had to vent some of them out. I'm trying hard this time not to let people's words hurt me, but I can't help it. I guess that's what happens when you wear your feelings on your sleeve ...
"I am so sick of death ... your babies are dying and our business is dying" (what!?!?)
"Well at least you know you can get pregnant ..." (yeah, well I could have stayed pregnant, too!)
"Pain is pain ..." (a family member referring to the other one whose business is dying)
"Maybe Abby needed a brother or sister in Heaven?" (what!?!?)
"Well, when my Aunt lost her daughter ..." (you can tell where this one went)
"I'm tired, too. I had to get up at 5:30 this morning to exercise" (after I said I had been up since 4:30am the day of my miscarriage)
Those are just a few of the things that have been said to me in less than a week. I just wish people would learn that the ONLY thing to say is, "I'm so sorry. I hurt with you and I'm here for you." You would think after going through 19 months of grieving with us after losing Abby they would get it. I guess not.
On the other hand, many people HAVE said the right thing and I need to acknowledge that as well.
"I can't believe this is happening -- it is beyond words"
"I am so sad and sorry. I don't understand"
"I don't understand either, but who am I to know God's will?" (after someone else said, "It just wasn't God's will")
"I am hurting with you and loving you"
"There are no words to tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am"
"This is a thousand times worse than a thousand CD 1's"
"I am so angry for you ..."
And guess who said these? My ladies Bible study and friends from MISS and BabyCenter who have lost a child and are ttc again. I guess they have all learned something. I am so grateful that there are some people who know what to say. And I know that even those who said the wrong thing really do love me. They just don't know what to say. But that doesn't make it hurt less. I really wish they would just learn something from all of this.
Anyway, thank you for letting me vent! I really just needed to get that out.
June 29, 2008
June 25, 2008
We've Lost Another One
My hcg numbers came back low on Friday and I began to miscarry on Monday night. Monday afternoon I had a "feeling" something was wrong. Late Monday night I began spotting and at about 4am Tuesday, I began having a full flow. I've been bleeding and cramping ever since.
My heart hurts most for my 4yo son, Benjamin. He just asked me during lunch on Tuesday (I was already miscarrying) "Mommy, can we put the baby swing back up for the baby when it comes?" Last night we talked with him about it and asked how he felt. He said he was mad, "you know like hitting" and later asked, "Am I a big brother?" It really broke my heart. I think I am almost more sad for him than I am for me. It took some time for him to process the news about Abby, but of course he was much younger then. This time he seems to understand, but I think it will still take some time for him to process.
Anyway, thanks for all of your congratulations and warm wishes when I announced my BFP last week. We are very sad and disappointed that this one won't be coming home after so many months of treatments. It obviously wasn't part of God's plan, but we are still trusting God.
My heart hurts most for my 4yo son, Benjamin. He just asked me during lunch on Tuesday (I was already miscarrying) "Mommy, can we put the baby swing back up for the baby when it comes?" Last night we talked with him about it and asked how he felt. He said he was mad, "you know like hitting" and later asked, "Am I a big brother?" It really broke my heart. I think I am almost more sad for him than I am for me. It took some time for him to process the news about Abby, but of course he was much younger then. This time he seems to understand, but I think it will still take some time for him to process.
Anyway, thanks for all of your congratulations and warm wishes when I announced my BFP last week. We are very sad and disappointed that this one won't be coming home after so many months of treatments. It obviously wasn't part of God's plan, but we are still trusting God.
June 24, 2008
Another Loss
I found out that I was pregnant again on June 18th after 16 months of trying to conceive including 2 surgeries and 8 cycles of fertility treatments (artificial insemination) only to miscarry today. I was so angry, especially at people. It seems at times like these everyone says the wrong thing. I can't understand why people can't just stop at "I'm so sorry ..." There is always a "but ..." at the end. Everyone seems to think it's their job to explain why this happened. Are they really arrogant enough to think they know? Can a human being know the mind of God? Aren't we just guessing when we try to figure out why things happen? And it's worse when other people look at your life from the outside in and decide that THEY know why it happened when you are just sitting there stunned.
I realized something this time that I didn't realize before. When I am feeling this angry, the only thing I can do is isolate myself from the outside world. It's for my protection as well as theirs. I know my skin is thin right now and any wrong move could end a friendship. It's a dangerous time for me to share my heart. The only place and person I can share it with is the Lord. Only He can really understand and love me the way I need to be loved. I can't trust people or myself right now. My radar is skewed. I am only going to hear things through a broken filter. I realize that this time. My grief destroyed three friendships. I will not allow it to destroy more. I know that the friendships were destroyed by more than just my grief, but I understand that my reaction was not in proportion to their words. I was wounded beyond repair and being hurt by those I love was insult to injury. I am trying, oh how I am trying not to hold the words of those I love against them. It is so hard ...
Benjamin named the baby. He was so angry when I told him that this baby died, too. I asked how he felt and he just said he was angry ... "you know, like hitting!" Then he curled his little fist up and shook it in the air. Bless his precious heart. I just want him to be a big brother on earth. He told his Nana that the baby in mommy's tummy died, "but I am still a big brother!" Talk about confusing. I am most broken-hearted for him. He deserves a sibling to grow up with. God knows someday he'll need someone to share the burden of his mom and dad, lol. But more than that, I want him to experience the joys and frustrations of having a sibling. Mine are my best friends. I don't know what I would do without them. I want that for him. But I also understand that if he never has that, then it was not the Lord's plan for him. God knows what Benjamin needs better than I do.
As for friends, well, I don't really have any. I realize that now. No one can be the kind of friend I really need. All disappoint. All wound. All are forgiven. There is nothing I can do to make them change or be what I want or need them to be. I am starting -- yet just starting -- to accept that. It has been hard, but I am trying to see that they love me, as flawed as they are at showing it. Most of my anger is toward my mother-in-law right now. She said something that really wounded me the day I began to miscarry. It's going to take some time to forgive. But again, I am trying.
That's all for now.
I realized something this time that I didn't realize before. When I am feeling this angry, the only thing I can do is isolate myself from the outside world. It's for my protection as well as theirs. I know my skin is thin right now and any wrong move could end a friendship. It's a dangerous time for me to share my heart. The only place and person I can share it with is the Lord. Only He can really understand and love me the way I need to be loved. I can't trust people or myself right now. My radar is skewed. I am only going to hear things through a broken filter. I realize that this time. My grief destroyed three friendships. I will not allow it to destroy more. I know that the friendships were destroyed by more than just my grief, but I understand that my reaction was not in proportion to their words. I was wounded beyond repair and being hurt by those I love was insult to injury. I am trying, oh how I am trying not to hold the words of those I love against them. It is so hard ...
Benjamin named the baby. He was so angry when I told him that this baby died, too. I asked how he felt and he just said he was angry ... "you know, like hitting!" Then he curled his little fist up and shook it in the air. Bless his precious heart. I just want him to be a big brother on earth. He told his Nana that the baby in mommy's tummy died, "but I am still a big brother!" Talk about confusing. I am most broken-hearted for him. He deserves a sibling to grow up with. God knows someday he'll need someone to share the burden of his mom and dad, lol. But more than that, I want him to experience the joys and frustrations of having a sibling. Mine are my best friends. I don't know what I would do without them. I want that for him. But I also understand that if he never has that, then it was not the Lord's plan for him. God knows what Benjamin needs better than I do.
As for friends, well, I don't really have any. I realize that now. No one can be the kind of friend I really need. All disappoint. All wound. All are forgiven. There is nothing I can do to make them change or be what I want or need them to be. I am starting -- yet just starting -- to accept that. It has been hard, but I am trying to see that they love me, as flawed as they are at showing it. Most of my anger is toward my mother-in-law right now. She said something that really wounded me the day I began to miscarry. It's going to take some time to forgive. But again, I am trying.
That's all for now.
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