I found out that I was pregnant again on June 18th after 16 months of trying to conceive including 2 surgeries and 8 cycles of fertility treatments (artificial insemination) only to miscarry today. I was so angry, especially at people. It seems at times like these everyone says the wrong thing. I can't understand why people can't just stop at "I'm so sorry ..." There is always a "but ..." at the end. Everyone seems to think it's their job to explain why this happened. Are they really arrogant enough to think they know? Can a human being know the mind of God? Aren't we just guessing when we try to figure out why things happen? And it's worse when other people look at your life from the outside in and decide that THEY know why it happened when you are just sitting there stunned.
I realized something this time that I didn't realize before. When I am feeling this angry, the only thing I can do is isolate myself from the outside world. It's for my protection as well as theirs. I know my skin is thin right now and any wrong move could end a friendship. It's a dangerous time for me to share my heart. The only place and person I can share it with is the Lord. Only He can really understand and love me the way I need to be loved. I can't trust people or myself right now. My radar is skewed. I am only going to hear things through a broken filter. I realize that this time. My grief destroyed three friendships. I will not allow it to destroy more. I know that the friendships were destroyed by more than just my grief, but I understand that my reaction was not in proportion to their words. I was wounded beyond repair and being hurt by those I love was insult to injury. I am trying, oh how I am trying not to hold the words of those I love against them. It is so hard ...
Benjamin named the baby. He was so angry when I told him that this baby died, too. I asked how he felt and he just said he was angry ... "you know, like hitting!" Then he curled his little fist up and shook it in the air. Bless his precious heart. I just want him to be a big brother on earth. He told his Nana that the baby in mommy's tummy died, "but I am still a big brother!" Talk about confusing. I am most broken-hearted for him. He deserves a sibling to grow up with. God knows someday he'll need someone to share the burden of his mom and dad, lol. But more than that, I want him to experience the joys and frustrations of having a sibling. Mine are my best friends. I don't know what I would do without them. I want that for him. But I also understand that if he never has that, then it was not the Lord's plan for him. God knows what Benjamin needs better than I do.
As for friends, well, I don't really have any. I realize that now. No one can be the kind of friend I really need. All disappoint. All wound. All are forgiven. There is nothing I can do to make them change or be what I want or need them to be. I am starting -- yet just starting -- to accept that. It has been hard, but I am trying to see that they love me, as flawed as they are at showing it. Most of my anger is toward my mother-in-law right now. She said something that really wounded me the day I began to miscarry. It's going to take some time to forgive. But again, I am trying.
That's all for now.
