I Took Down The Crib Today

I don't know what came over me except that I was tired of looking at it. I was tired of the way I felt every time I saw it. I was tired of the reminder that she is never going to use it. Ever. I was tired of it looking the same way it did the day after the funeral. Like it was suspended in time somehow. I was also tired of the way I feel when other people see it ... like it's pitiful that I keep it up, like I'm "stuck" or trying to keep something alive that isn't. I hate that. I feel like people either gawk or avoid her room when they are here, so I decided that it was time to change it. Not for them, but for me. For the way that I feel when I see it and for the way that they make me feel when they see it ... or when they act like they don't. Why can't they just say, "Can I see the baby's room?" Don't they know that it would mean the world to me to show them? Don't they know that it hurts me when they ignore it or act like it's not there? Well, it's gone now, so they don't have to and I don't have to have all those feelings when they do or don't want to look. Or the sinking feeling every time I do. Actually, I feel really good about it. I didn't change everything. I just took the crib down and put the day bed back up that was in there before we decorated it for her and rearranged some of the furniture. I went out and bought the twin quilt that matches the nursery theme that I had used when decorating it for her. Now I can sit in there or lay down, take a nap, look at her things, or read and still feel close to her without feeling anyone's judgement or pity. And I have all of her things around me without the empty crib in my face always reminding me of my empty arms. I also took her name down from the wall and put a few things away in the hope chest that I'm going to paint and have a place to keep her things in when it becomes another baby's room. I felt like I needed to make it not her room before we made it someone elses. We just started trying to conceive again and I don't want our next child to feel like he or she is a replacement. I felt like it is important to change it now so that when we decorate it again, we can do something just as special for him or her. I was concerned, though, about how it would make my 3yo son feel. I don't want him to think that by changing her room she is any less a part of our family. I don't want him to ever forget her. My sister suggested a hope chest so that he and my future children can open it up and look at her things to remember her whenever they want (me and my dh, too!). I want her to always be remembered, to always have a special and prominent place in our family. I will never put away her photos or her things. They will always be kept in a place of rememberance. I just felt like it was time and that it would help me to heal, to help all of us to heal, before another baby comes along. I am longing for that day to come soon ... I miss her so much. I hope I am not rushing it ... ???

Hateful & Grateful

I belong to a Support forum for bereaved parents, and a thread was started to help get some pent up emotions out ... I thought I would post here as well ...

I hate that I only held her for four hours
I hate that I didn't unwrap and look at every inch of her body
I hate that I can't remember her face unless I look at a photograph
I hate that I can't remember the moment she was laid in my arms
I hate that I was so full of drugs that I can't remember every detail of her birth
I hate that every photograph is a picture of death
I hate that I didn't have my family come to the hospital to bond with her before saying goodbye
I hate that I told one one of the only two people came to see her that they couldn't hold her because she was getting too fragile to hold
I hate that I was too scared to have her brought back up to me again in the hospital
I hate that I was too out of it to give her a bath and dress her myself
I hate that I was too scared to go to the funeral home and help dress her before the funeral
I hate that her body grew in mine, was perfect and ready for life and is now in the ground
I hate that I feel guilty if I haven't been to the cemetery for awhile
I hate that my 3 year old son thinks that if something is gone it must have died
I hate that he is not learning what it is like to be a big brother while all of his friends are
I hate that my neighbor is having her baby in two months and that her baby will never know mine
I hate that most people have no idea what to say to me so they say nothing at all
I hate that I feel awkward when talking about it to them, too
I hate running into people that don't know yet and ask, "where's the little one?"
I hate that I think about her 100 times a day every day
I hate that I will have to live my entire life before I will get to see her again
I hate that sometimes I can't cry
I hate that I can't show more emotion with people when talking about her
I hate that everybody thinks I'm getting over it or that I should
I hate that I have a beautiful empty baby's room in my house
I hate that I will never be the same person again, that I will always be the one this happened to
I hate that this has happened to so many people
I hate that there is death at all
I hate that my doctor made a mistake after the delivery and now I will have to find a new one
I hate that I am still fighting to have my medical bills paid for the doctor's mistake
I hate that I do not want anyone to see me cry
I hate that I do not want anyone to hold me when I cry
I hate that my little boy knows what death is
I hate that he is going to think the baby will die when I am pregnant again
I hate that I will never know my little girl, what she likes, who she is, this side of heaven
I hate that I don't know if she will still be a baby or if I will get to raise her there someday
I hate that I have friends I would not know if this hadn't happened, but I am grateful for them
I hate that when people ask how I am I always say fine when I really should say I am completely broken
I hate that people don't understand that you can be broken but still have faith
I hate that people think if I'm sad that they need to fix me, I will always be sad in some way
I hate that if people see me sad they think I'm having a hard time or have lost hope
I hate that at times I feel so scared that I will never have the family I have always dreamed of
I hate that I take out my frustrations, fears and grief on my husband
I hate that I have such a need to be in control of everything
I hate that I have a child who is dead
I hate that I know what that feels like
I hate seeing my neighbor walk down the street with her big beautiful pregnant tummy
I hate that in three months she'll be walking down the street with her baby and I will not
I hate that I have things to remember my girl by instead of having her in my arms
I hate that it is 6:57 am and I am typing this instead of sleeping
I just hate this whole thing and wish life could go back to the way it was

Wow, this is really helpful ...

I am grateful that I held her and saw her beautiful face
I am grateful that I know what she looks like
I am grateful that I had her with me for four hours
I am grateful that I have photographs and memories of her
I am grateful that I videotaped her birth and can watch it any time I want
I am grateful that my son got to see her and wear his big brother t-shirt
I am grateful that my family loves me and is so supportive
I am grateful that my husband puts up with me and loves me no mater what
I am grateful that I know she is in heaven
I am grateful that I have so many things to remember her by
I am grateful for the 8 1/2 months I have the experience of her growing inside me
I am grateful that I enjoyed her every night she was in my tummy
I am grateful that I have so many more ultrasound photos than most people do since I was high risk
I am grateful that the funeral was exactly the way I wanted it
I am grateful that I will see her again someday
I am grateful that people are still remembering and still mourning with me, even if they don't know what to say
I am grateful that I have my faith to lean on when so many others don't
I am grateful that I have my beautiful wonderful son who I was never supposed to have
I am grateful that I am still a mommy even though one of my children is not with me
I am grateful that so many people have been touched or changed by her life
I am grateful that she is not being forgotten
I am grateful for the tulips I planted when I was still pregnant with her
I am grateful that I have people in my life who have been through this and know how I feel
I am grateful for her website where she can be remembered forever
I am grateful for every moment that I feel normal again
I am grateful that I don't feel the way I did the first week
I am grateful that I finally have my body back and for my physical healing
I am grateful for loving friends and a wonderful church family
I am grateful that even though sometimes I don't feel it, nobody really expects me to ever get over it
I am grateful for good neighbors
I am grateful for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
I am grateful that he is using her life to help other people
I am grateful that it is finally spring
I am grateful for 10 years with my wonderful, loving husband
I am grateful that I can apprecaite my life where I took it for granted before
I am grateful for so many things, I can't possibly list them all ...

Bittersweet Bear

I just wanted to share my "Bittersweet Bear" with you. I received yesterday after months of waiting. The idea first came after we buried Abby. The "Loved & Cherished" casket she was buried in came with a gift certificate for a "Bittersweet Bear." So, I went online and was so touched. The company was started by a mother and daughter. The mother used to work in funeral services and was an avid seamstress and wanted to use her sewing skills to help bereaved families. Her daughter was in marketing and helped on the business side of things. They basically take any items (clothes, blankets, etc.) you may have of your lost loved one and turn it into the most precious bear. Well, after the funeral, I was given this big piece of fleece material that the hospital had wrapped Abby in to be taken to the funeral home. After the funeral, the funeral director gave it to me. Of course it is probably the most sacred of all items I have of hers and I wanted to do something very special with it. At first I wanted to make a blanket out of it, but I already have two blankets that were hers that we held her in at the hospital (and are in the photo of her on the website). Still I wanted to do something. So, when I ran across the gift certificate, I knew that it was exactly what I needed to do. I am so glad that I did because the end result is absolutely precious. Here are photos of Abby's "Bittersweet Bear" ...


















The yellow body is the fleece blanket she was wrapped in from the hospital to the funeral home. The flowered ears and feet are from the bib that I kept that matches the outfit she was buried in, which my mom gave me. The patch of flowers on the tummy are also from the bib and are on her outfit. The "love" patch in the center was from a sleeping gown that my MIL had given me when I was still pg. I wanted to include something from both of our families. Her name is embroidered in the bears left foot. I am so pleased with the way the it turned out and couldn't wait to share it with you!!

Tulips

Last fall, when I was 7 months pregnant, I planted over 100 tulip bulbs in my garden so that I would have flowers in the spring without having to plant them! I knew I would be busy with my new baby and would not have as much time to make my yard beautiful. The weather has been beautiful and the flowers have been springing up all over; a bittersweet reminder of the baby that is not here, but was with me when they were planted. A week ago at church I felt an urging to visit Abby's grave. I had been missing her so much as spring has been in bloom. And when I was there, I was reminded of the flowers we had planted together in the fall. Inspired by their beauty, I raced home and collected several of them and returned to the cemetery to plant them on her still unmarked grave so that there would be a piece of "us" in both places that could "spring" up every year ...










However, we have had a dramatic turn in the weather. Just last Wednesday it was 80 degrees and today the high is in the 30s and it has been snowing. I woke up this morning and all of the flowers in my garden are DEAD!! It is cold and ugly just like November all over again and it was like a slap in the face to enjoy their beauty then helplessly watch them die. It's a visual analogy I can barely stand. The flowers sprang up to life and then died before they could ever fully bloom, just like Abby. Many of them were still just buds. I was heartbroken to see them all flopped over on the ground. I can't even go outside without being reminded that the coldness killed them, just like the coldness of November when Abby died before she had the chance to live ... she is dead and now so are her flowers.