I belong to a Support forum for bereaved parents, and a thread was started to help get some pent up emotions out ... I thought I would post here as well ...
I hate that I only held her for four hours
I hate that I didn't unwrap and look at every inch of her body
I hate that I can't remember her face unless I look at a photograph
I hate that I can't remember the moment she was laid in my arms
I hate that I was so full of drugs that I can't remember every detail of her birth
I hate that every photograph is a picture of death
I hate that I didn't have my family come to the hospital to bond with her before saying goodbye
I hate that I told one one of the only two people came to see her that they couldn't hold her because she was getting too fragile to hold
I hate that I was too scared to have her brought back up to me again in the hospital
I hate that I was too out of it to give her a bath and dress her myself
I hate that I was too scared to go to the funeral home and help dress her before the funeral
I hate that her body grew in mine, was perfect and ready for life and is now in the ground
I hate that I feel guilty if I haven't been to the cemetery for awhile
I hate that my 3 year old son thinks that if something is gone it must have died
I hate that he is not learning what it is like to be a big brother while all of his friends are
I hate that my neighbor is having her baby in two months and that her baby will never know mine
I hate that most people have no idea what to say to me so they say nothing at all
I hate that I feel awkward when talking about it to them, too
I hate running into people that don't know yet and ask, "where's the little one?"
I hate that I think about her 100 times a day every day
I hate that I will have to live my entire life before I will get to see her again
I hate that sometimes I can't cry
I hate that I can't show more emotion with people when talking about her
I hate that everybody thinks I'm getting over it or that I should
I hate that I have a beautiful empty baby's room in my house
I hate that I will never be the same person again, that I will always be the one this happened to
I hate that this has happened to so many people
I hate that there is death at all
I hate that my doctor made a mistake after the delivery and now I will have to find a new one
I hate that I am still fighting to have my medical bills paid for the doctor's mistake
I hate that I do not want anyone to see me cry
I hate that I do not want anyone to hold me when I cry
I hate that my little boy knows what death is
I hate that he is going to think the baby will die when I am pregnant again
I hate that I will never know my little girl, what she likes, who she is, this side of heaven
I hate that I don't know if she will still be a baby or if I will get to raise her there someday
I hate that I have friends I would not know if this hadn't happened, but I am grateful for them
I hate that when people ask how I am I always say fine when I really should say I am completely broken
I hate that people don't understand that you can be broken but still have faith
I hate that people think if I'm sad that they need to fix me, I will always be sad in some way
I hate that if people see me sad they think I'm having a hard time or have lost hope
I hate that at times I feel so scared that I will never have the family I have always dreamed of
I hate that I take out my frustrations, fears and grief on my husband
I hate that I have such a need to be in control of everything
I hate that I have a child who is dead
I hate that I know what that feels like
I hate seeing my neighbor walk down the street with her big beautiful pregnant tummy
I hate that in three months she'll be walking down the street with her baby and I will not
I hate that I have things to remember my girl by instead of having her in my arms
I hate that it is 6:57 am and I am typing this instead of sleeping
I just hate this whole thing and wish life could go back to the way it was
Wow, this is really helpful ...
I am grateful that I held her and saw her beautiful face
I am grateful that I know what she looks like
I am grateful that I had her with me for four hours
I am grateful that I have photographs and memories of her
I am grateful that I videotaped her birth and can watch it any time I want
I am grateful that my son got to see her and wear his big brother t-shirt
I am grateful that my family loves me and is so supportive
I am grateful that my husband puts up with me and loves me no mater what
I am grateful that I know she is in heaven
I am grateful that I have so many things to remember her by
I am grateful for the 8 1/2 months I have the experience of her growing inside me
I am grateful that I enjoyed her every night she was in my tummy
I am grateful that I have so many more ultrasound photos than most people do since I was high risk
I am grateful that the funeral was exactly the way I wanted it
I am grateful that I will see her again someday
I am grateful that people are still remembering and still mourning with me, even if they don't know what to say
I am grateful that I have my faith to lean on when so many others don't
I am grateful that I have my beautiful wonderful son who I was never supposed to have
I am grateful that I am still a mommy even though one of my children is not with me
I am grateful that so many people have been touched or changed by her life
I am grateful that she is not being forgotten
I am grateful for the tulips I planted when I was still pregnant with her
I am grateful that I have people in my life who have been through this and know how I feel
I am grateful for her website where she can be remembered forever
I am grateful for every moment that I feel normal again
I am grateful that I don't feel the way I did the first week
I am grateful that I finally have my body back and for my physical healing
I am grateful for loving friends and a wonderful church family
I am grateful that even though sometimes I don't feel it, nobody really expects me to ever get over it
I am grateful for good neighbors
I am grateful for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
I am grateful that he is using her life to help other people
I am grateful that it is finally spring
I am grateful for 10 years with my wonderful, loving husband
I am grateful that I can apprecaite my life where I took it for granted before
I am grateful for so many things, I can't possibly list them all ...
