I Took Down The Crib Today

I don't know what came over me except that I was tired of looking at it. I was tired of the way I felt every time I saw it. I was tired of the reminder that she is never going to use it. Ever. I was tired of it looking the same way it did the day after the funeral. Like it was suspended in time somehow. I was also tired of the way I feel when other people see it ... like it's pitiful that I keep it up, like I'm "stuck" or trying to keep something alive that isn't. I hate that. I feel like people either gawk or avoid her room when they are here, so I decided that it was time to change it. Not for them, but for me. For the way that I feel when I see it and for the way that they make me feel when they see it ... or when they act like they don't. Why can't they just say, "Can I see the baby's room?" Don't they know that it would mean the world to me to show them? Don't they know that it hurts me when they ignore it or act like it's not there? Well, it's gone now, so they don't have to and I don't have to have all those feelings when they do or don't want to look. Or the sinking feeling every time I do. Actually, I feel really good about it. I didn't change everything. I just took the crib down and put the day bed back up that was in there before we decorated it for her and rearranged some of the furniture. I went out and bought the twin quilt that matches the nursery theme that I had used when decorating it for her. Now I can sit in there or lay down, take a nap, look at her things, or read and still feel close to her without feeling anyone's judgement or pity. And I have all of her things around me without the empty crib in my face always reminding me of my empty arms. I also took her name down from the wall and put a few things away in the hope chest that I'm going to paint and have a place to keep her things in when it becomes another baby's room. I felt like I needed to make it not her room before we made it someone elses. We just started trying to conceive again and I don't want our next child to feel like he or she is a replacement. I felt like it is important to change it now so that when we decorate it again, we can do something just as special for him or her. I was concerned, though, about how it would make my 3yo son feel. I don't want him to think that by changing her room she is any less a part of our family. I don't want him to ever forget her. My sister suggested a hope chest so that he and my future children can open it up and look at her things to remember her whenever they want (me and my dh, too!). I want her to always be remembered, to always have a special and prominent place in our family. I will never put away her photos or her things. They will always be kept in a place of rememberance. I just felt like it was time and that it would help me to heal, to help all of us to heal, before another baby comes along. I am longing for that day to come soon ... I miss her so much. I hope I am not rushing it ... ???