Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven

Happy birthday precious girl! What a special day it must have been in Heaven today! I just can't imagine the beauty that you get to experience every single day. If I close my eyes I can imagine you as a beautiful little four year old girl with long blonde hair spinning in a twirly princess dress all covered with glitter and gold. I can imagine reaching down to hold your hands in mine as we spin and twirl around the room singing silly songs laughing and hugging as we celebrate your special day. I look into your eyes and see my own but in your smile I see your daddy. You're a big girl now not a baby anymore yet I can still see your baby features in that beautiful big girl face. Oh how I wish I were there to celebrate with you!

As we drove home today from our annual getaway and thought about where we wanted to release your birthday balloons this year we noticed a sign that said "Hope - 12 miles." We decided what better place to celebrate Abby's birthday than Hope? So we drove into the little town of Hope Indiana and released 4 pink balloons and 4 white balloons and wished you a happy birthday as they got further and further away in the sky. I hope you could see them and that you can feel our love from Heaven. It hurts not to be able to watch you grow up here and have you in our family circle but we know you are safe in our Father's arms and someday soon we will see you and hold you and kiss your sweet face and never be separated again. Someday we will celebrate together forever!

Happy birthday 4th beautiful precious daughter. We love and miss you so much! Wishing things were different and you were here to celebrate with us ...

Love,
Mommy

Forgiveness

How do you forgive those who have hurt you most deeply? Those who were supposed to love you and be there for you and not only failed, but refused to do so, and at times even hurt you intentionally while they knew you were already in agony? I call that "friendly fire." It's like being in a war zone and getting shot in the back by the people on your own side. And then, when you are screaming in agony, they shoot you again. I don't know how to do it. Just when I think I've forgiven, I can feel the pain and see the hurt in my life towards those who have caused it. I am identifying the three greatest wounds as my church, my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law. I guess if I include Lisa, there are four. There are other friends who have done the same, but I think I've made peace with them. I don't know how to forgive the first ones, though, or if I even want to. I know I have to. (But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:15). I'm just being honest here. I fight it in my heart every day, but when the people you are trying to forgive continue to do things to hurt you, how do you really move on? Lord, I need your help because I can't do this on my own. Please help me truly forgive, from my heart.

Just Some Frustrations ...

I have been a believer 27 years and have been really following Christ for about 16 of them; married to a pastor for 13 of them; struggled through infertility for 6 of them; grieved over my daughter for almost 4 of them, and struggled with secondary infertility for another 3 of them. I have learned that we don't always get what we want. We ask God and sometimes He says yes, sometimes He says no, and sometimes He says not yet. I now find myself in a place of frustration with the arrogance of believers who just "know" God is going to do this or that for them (or for someone they are praying for) and I have come to an almost complete intolerance for it to the point where I cannot stand to be around most of them. I feel like I am going to scream when I hear people say that they just know that "God would never let that happen to me" (or the person they are praying for) or that somehow if something bad happens, the person didn't pray enough or somehow failed when the truth is that God does let bad things happen. He doesn't allow it because He's mean or wants to hurt us, but He does allow it. He sees the beginning and the end and He never allows something bad to happen that can't be used for tremendous good in our life or in the lives of others. And sometimes it is to change the entire course of our life (i.e. this website wouldn't exist if it weren't for Joanne and her sweet baby girl Cheyenne). But why do they think they are entitled to a happy ending? None of us is entitled to that. We are taught time and time again (in the Bible) that the path includes sorrow and suffering and that we are to take up our cross and follow Him. Some crosses are heavier than others and we are called to help carry those. I don't understand the mentality of the western church (or, I should say American church) when people are suffering around the world and even in our own country. People are dying and being tortured for their faith. People lose loved ones every day. Cancer kills. Soldiers die in war. Accidents happen. People grieve. Where do these people who believe they deserve their happy ending get their theology? Am I cursed or not a good Christian because my child died? Or because I believe that sorrow and suffering could possibly be part of God's plan for me? My neighbor died of cancer this summer. She was my friend. I prayed for her and believed for her healing, but God said no. I don't understand why she had to die. She was only 44. I shared my heart on this at my church group recently by sharing some of my grief blogs after being asked to bring something that would show the others who I am. I wanted to convey my heart for the grieving and suffering and how I have learned to die to my dreams and embrace God's dreams for me instead. That means that I will not get to raise my daughter on this earth or have anymore birth children. It also means that caring for grieving people has become my passion. I believe I was created for it. My whole life I was surrounded by grieving and suffering people and I have always had a deep compassion for them. My best friend lost her father when she was 17 and her mother when she was 23. I walked through the valley with her and somehow knew that I was just supposed to be there and let her cry. I didn't realize this was my path, however, until my daughter died. Now I can see how God has worked in my life to bring me to this place where being drawn to the suffering has purpose for me and I'm trying to figure out how He wants me to use it. To my shock and surprise, I was met with a comment that maybe I didn't really care about grieving people as much as I thought but that maybe I am actually just grieving myself because fall is here and my daughter's birthday is coming. I was basically discredited by my grief instead of being seen as having learned something valuable from my experience. I really believe that I have learned something of great value that most believers will never experience. That God loves us so much that He even grieves with us. What hurts us matters to Him, too. And that it should grieve us when someone we know is grieving, not just to bring over a chicken casserole and our duty is done. The Bible says to "mourn with those who mourn." I am constantly quoting James 1:27 which says, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." My biggest lesson is that true religion is to care for the grieving. After all, what is a widow or an orphan? I don't think that statement excludes grieving parents. I believe it includes them and all that are suffering around us. My sister and I are working together to build a place called, "Hope's Lodge." It make take years, but it is a dream that was born out of our mutual grief so that people would have a safe place to go where they can grieve away from the harsh world and it's demands to return to "normal." I know from my Bible and my experience that God cares passionately about this yet everywhere I turn I see people who are distorting Scripture and making it about getting what they want, achieving their dreams, having the right attitude, etc. (prosperity gospel) instead about loving the people around us with a love that is real and not superficial or self-serving? How can I convey this without sounding bitter or resentful? I am not bitter, I am just tired of Christians who don't get it and won't listen. It is time for the body of Christ to step up and do what we are supposed to do. No wonder the world hates us. We don't have a clue what it is to be like Jesus.

Painting The Baby's Room

We started painting the baby's room this weekend. I wasn't prepared for how hard it would be. The last time I painted it, I was 7 months pregnant with my daughter. That was 3 1/2 years ago. With each stroke, I relived the day that we were preparing it for her. Only this time, there was no baby growing in my tummy ... and it hurt! I had to remind myself that a baby IS coming and this will be HER room! I can't wait to get it done so I never have to do it again. I made sure all of the old paint is covered up so I wouldn't feel that pain each time I see it. I even painted the inside of the wall outlets and over all the old mistakes so that none of the old paint would show. I don't want it to be a painful reminder of what has been lost, but of the joy that is to come. I'm trying to motivate myself to finish it today so that it's done, but I'm having a hard time going back in there. Was it this hard for you? I think I will finally feel joyful that this will be Hope's room, but I wasn't expecting the process to hurt so much ... I'm sad that it's not Abby's room anymore and that we will never call it that again. Guess it's just part of the grief and another milestone for me instead of her ...

More

I thought about posting this as my facebook status today:

You can write whatever you want and I don't have to like it. You can invite whomever you want and I don't have to like it. But is that love?

Well, I can tell whomever I want, and you don't have to like it. I can be hurt and angry and you don't have to like it. But that's not love. So I am trying to forgive.

Things had been going well between myself and Chad's family for awhile after my miscarriage. I decided to reconcile with Nicole because I felt cornered in and there was no way out. They gave me no choice because it was clear that she was family and I was not.

Jealousy

My husband was a youth pastor for many years and we had a friend who we did youth ministry with whose brand new baby has heart problems and has to have open heart surgery. She is a week old and fighting for her life and I find myself feeling jealous. I am jealous that their baby girl gets to fight for her life while mine never got that chance. If only she had been born alive, we would have had those precious moments together and the chance to pray and hope for her recovery. We were given no warning, so there was nothing to pray for except the impossible - that God would somehow miraculously bring her back to life. I sometimes feel like the fact she was "stillborn" invalidates my grief, or at least people use it to invalidate me. She was ready to be here and we were ready to have her. Alive or not, I gave birth, held her, kissed her and loved her. I'll never forget the friend who responded, "Oh, she never took a breath? I didn't know that." As if somehow that made it less hard, less painful or less real that she was here. I find myself needing to prove that she was alive, a person. There is really no reason for this post except that my feelings for our friend's baby took me by surprise. I do care and want his baby to live. But his family is probably going to have this "deep experience" and think that they have been through the worst, yet I know they have not. I really do hope this is the worst that they will ever experience, but part of me is so jealous that they get to have it. I feel cheated.

I didn't have anywhere to take these feelings, so I've brought them here. I love that MISS exists, that you get it and that I have a place to go, even years later, when my grief is triggered and I feel as raw as I did in the beginning. Thank you for listening ...

Mother's Day

Wishing a gentle Mother's Day to all of the grieving moms without their children today. Remembering all of our angels today and always ...

MOTHER’S DAY
Another Mother’s Day!
But a different one this year.
For you see, I am a mother,
but my child isn’t here.
I am a mother who is hurting
for this child who was so dear,
as I face this and other occasions,
each and every year.
I am a mother who feels an emptiness
over and over again,
because I miss THIS child
and all that could have been.
I am a mother who cared
as I watched my child grow,
and truly loved him (her) more
than anyone will ever know.
I am a mother who has memories
and many tears to cry
over regrets I’ll have to live with
until the day I die.
I am a mother who is thankful
for the miracle of birth,
and all my child has taught me
about life and my own self-worth.
I just can’t stop being a mother
just because my child isn’t here,
because the love we had for each other
will continue throughout the years.
And so on this special “Mother’s” Day,
I will feel pride, love and joy
which are the parts that make me: who I am,
and what I’ll always be -
**A MOTHER**
just remember that - please?

By Judy A .
(Borrowed from HOPE LINE, a newsletter published by HOPE FOR BEREAVED, Syracuse, NY)

FOJ's

I found these on a website called The Brick Testament (www.thebricktestament.com) and thought they were great! My friend, Don, calls those who use religious rhetoric to "comfort" others "FOJ's" (Friends of Job). I like it ...

Does It Ever Go Away?

Ladies, those of you who have gone on to have a sub-baby (or adopted), do you still have that longing when you go to the playground, children's museum, soccer games, etc. where there are "normal" families and wish you had what they have? Does it ever go away? Will having Hope (the baby girl we are adopting from Russia) really make me feel better or at least help make it hurt less? I am longing to hold my sub baby in my arms and whenever I go anywhere that includes families of small children, my heart is all over the place. One minute, it's joy knowing that Hope will be here soon! The next it's envy and pain, wishing Abby were here so I could be like "them" and not live with these thoughts, wanting to be "normal" and wanting to hold my little girl. Will I ever feel normal again? It's not the same as the gut wrenching pain of loss that we experienced in the early days, months and weeks of grief. I just hate how I feel when I'm around families who have never had to struggle to have what they take for granted. And we're working so hard and have had to wait so long for it happen! I think Jeannie's post about what to do when you don't get your rainbow has stirred me up. That and all of the delays and threats by the Russian government to suspend international adoptions. I'm just wondering if I will always look at these other families and not have all these thoughts about what our life "should" be? Or if when Hope gets home, things will change?

MISSing Abby and waiting for Hope!

Why Does This Bother Me So Much?

With the whole Russian adoption in the balance this week, I have been inundated with platitudes from well meaning people. The one that bugs me the most is, "God is in control." I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it just drives me absolutely nuts when I hear it! I feel like it's an excuse for people not to care. Caring for people takes time. Most people really don't want to take time to care, so them come up with a platitude to make themselves better. They think they are encouraging the other person, but really it is insulting. At least it is to me. I have been a Christian for years (my husband is a pastor) and I know God is in control. I don't need people telling me that. What I need is people to say, "I'm sorry this is so hard. I am here for you. I care about this. I'm praying that it will all work out. Is there something I can do to help?" Or just ask how I am feeling and let me talk about it. When someone says "God's in control" in response to my concerns, I feel like screaming! That is what I was told when I thought I was miscarrying in 2008. And I then I did. I needed comfort and instead I got shut down. When people say that, it feels like they don't really want to listen or know how I am feeling. They just want to get out of the conversation as quickly as they can. Does or has anyone else felt this way? Maybe it's because I'm going through this adoption for my sub-baby. I'm sure anyone who has gone through a sub-pregnancy has felt this way. I don't want people telling me it is all going to be okay. They don't know that it is going to be okay. Only God knows that. It just feels like an easy way for people not to really have to care.

I really don't understand why I am so frustrated about this, but I needed to vent, so thanks for listening!

Lump In My Throat

I just visited the facebook page of an old childhood friend. He and his sister grew up in my neighborhood, just a few doors down from us. We played in the back yard and at each other's houses as children and they were regular neighborhood friends. We went to the same grade school, middle school and high school. He married his high school sweetheart and followed his dreams to become an engineer. As I look through his photos all of his dreams have come true. Great job, beautiful wife, 3 healthy beautiful kids. And then there it was. The lump in my throat. Tears hiding just under the surface being held back only my unwillingness to feel the pain. Jealousy. I am jealous. I will be 40 this year and I have spent the last 13 years trying to have a family! I know it is fleeting, but for the moment, this is how I feel. I wanted a big family, lots of kids. My husband is a GREAT father to our one and only living son. We make a very humble income (he is in ministry) and barely get by financially so that I can stay home with our son. I feel like we work so hard for what we have and while we have so little, what we have is precious. I should be content with that and most days I am. For some reason it hit me hard today when I looked at his photos and where he is in life at almost 40. We are still waiting for our rainbow and I just know that when she is finally here, things will be different. But right now, today, I feel sad that they are not. I would have three children here, just like him, but I don't. And I am jealous.

Processing the Pain, Part II

We spent the next 4-5 weeks isolating ourselves from the hurtful comments that seemed to inundate us after my miscarriage. We heard everything from "Abby must have wanted a brother or sister in Heaven" to "well, at least now you know you can get pregnant again" (that zinger came from my husband's sister). We were broken and hurting and no one seemed to know what to do or say. The pain was crushing and the only thing we knew to do was to get far away from the source, so we retreated until we were less sensitive. That is when the second offense took place.

I had made a decision a year earlier to end a friendship that was causing me pain instead of helping me heal. It was a decision I did not make lightly. I lamented over the friendship and sought professional counsel on what to do about constant insensitive comments that were coming my way. She (my counselor) encouraged me to get away from the friend and focus on my husband, son and getting through my grief and stay close to friends who were willing and able to share my load. So I did.

But this friend also just happened to be a close friend of my husband's family and it was going to be hard to avoid seeing her. So I asked his family to support my decision to withdraw from this relationship and they said they would. My sister-in-law even went so far to say that I was family and that family came first and that she fully supported me. That Christmas, the family honored my wishes and the friend (and her family) were not invited to our family gathering as they had been in the past. I felt loved, validated and affirmed by my husband's rallying around me. Until my miscarriage.

Four weeks passed after my miscarriage and the barrage of hurtful comments and I felt that I was ready to see people, including my husband's family, who I felt had wounded me the most. Wounds from those closest to us tend to hurt more than those from others. At any rate, I thought I was ready and we agreed to go to the annual gathering at my mother-in-law's house to celebrate the July/August birthdays, of which there were many. I was anxious, but wanted to do my part to heal the damage of which really none of them were aware. We had kept our feelings to ourselves about people's comments. We knew they meant well, but just didn't know what to say to us and we were trying not to allow it to destroy our relationships.

Just 15 minutes after we arrived, the friend who I had decided to stop seeing pulled up the long driveway to my mother-in-law's house with her family in tow. I could not believe it! I was so angry and hurt. I felt so betrayed by them. They promised me, stood by me, affirmed me and betrayed me. I looked at my sister-in-law and said, "How could you do this?" and ran into the house where my mother-in-law stood preparing food. I asked if she knew this person was coming and she said my sister-in-law invited her. I yelled that I felt set up and betrayed and could not believe they would do this to me to which she yelled back, "this is a house of peace and love, we will not have this." I felt trapped and did not want to be forced to see this person, so I ran out the back door, through the woods to the street below and called my husband on his cell phone to pick me up immediately, crying uncontrollably, overwhelmed by the pain of this betrayal.

This is all I can write tonight. I will continue processing as I can ...

Processing the Pain

After meeting with my counselor twice before Christmas about the story that was written by my husband's sister, I am ready to do the "accounting" needed in order to start trying to forgive them. By them, I mean my husband's family who has wounded me over and over and over again with their words and actions. I told my counselor that I was on the verge of hating them and that I didn't want my anger to poison me, but I really am at the point of never wanting to see any of them again. It is all I can do not to "unfriend" all of them forever, on Facebook, and in life. But I know that is not God's way and I really want what God wants. I just don't know how to do it, but I'm going to try.

The first step, she says, is to do an accounting of the offenses. Wow, that is going to be tough, but I am going to give it a try. There have been so many, I almost don't know where to begin. Part of me is scared because I know it will hurt and I don't want to feel any more pain. But processing the pain is part of the healing, so here I go picking at the scabs again so hopefully this time they can heal for good ...

The first offense took place when I miscarried my "sub-baby" in June of 2008. I had gone in for my second blood test to reconfirm my pregnancy and my doctor told me my HcG levels were decreasing instead of increasing. I asked him if it were possible for my levels to go down and back up? He said "possible but not probable" and asked if I wanted to come back for another test in a few days to see? I declined. I refused to allow fear to control me and another questionable test result was not going to do me any good. But fear still creeped in and I called my mother-in-law for reassurance and prayer because I thought she was trustworthy. I was wrong. She belittled me and said that she had just prayed with someone who said that fear was going to make me lose the baby and said that God had "told her" that "the baby is fine, Emily is fine, the baby is fine, Emily is fine ..." and hung up with me. I was so hurt. Fear cannot cause a person to lose a baby and I certainly didn't need to be made to feel guilty for being afraid. I felt mocked and belittled by her response and clung to God and Chad for hope that this baby would make it. I emailed a few people to pray and waited. A couple of days later, I started to bleed and I knew the pregnancy was over. At the same time, I was due to attend the birth of my friend, Lisa's long-awaited sub-baby. She had asked me to be there and I wanted to be there. I wasn't going to allow what was happening to me steal that. So I stood in the hospital and helped her baby come into the world while I was losing mine. On the way home from the hospital, my sister-in-law called to say she had heard that I was miscarrying and started rambling about how she was sick of death ... "your babies are dying and our business is dying" and then spent the next 30 minutes ranting about HER life while I was losing my baby. Maybe I was a little sensitive, but who wouldn't be? I was so hurt by her selfishness in my moment of need and offended that she would compare the loss of my child to her business failing. A business/job can be replaced. A child cannot. I think my hurt was justified.

More later ...