Lump In My Throat

I just visited the facebook page of an old childhood friend. He and his sister grew up in my neighborhood, just a few doors down from us. We played in the back yard and at each other's houses as children and they were regular neighborhood friends. We went to the same grade school, middle school and high school. He married his high school sweetheart and followed his dreams to become an engineer. As I look through his photos all of his dreams have come true. Great job, beautiful wife, 3 healthy beautiful kids. And then there it was. The lump in my throat. Tears hiding just under the surface being held back only my unwillingness to feel the pain. Jealousy. I am jealous. I will be 40 this year and I have spent the last 13 years trying to have a family! I know it is fleeting, but for the moment, this is how I feel. I wanted a big family, lots of kids. My husband is a GREAT father to our one and only living son. We make a very humble income (he is in ministry) and barely get by financially so that I can stay home with our son. I feel like we work so hard for what we have and while we have so little, what we have is precious. I should be content with that and most days I am. For some reason it hit me hard today when I looked at his photos and where he is in life at almost 40. We are still waiting for our rainbow and I just know that when she is finally here, things will be different. But right now, today, I feel sad that they are not. I would have three children here, just like him, but I don't. And I am jealous.