We spent the next 4-5 weeks isolating ourselves from the hurtful comments that seemed to inundate us after my miscarriage. We heard everything from "Abby must have wanted a brother or sister in Heaven" to "well, at least now you know you can get pregnant again" (that zinger came from my husband's sister). We were broken and hurting and no one seemed to know what to do or say. The pain was crushing and the only thing we knew to do was to get far away from the source, so we retreated until we were less sensitive. That is when the second offense took place.
I had made a decision a year earlier to end a friendship that was causing me pain instead of helping me heal. It was a decision I did not make lightly. I lamented over the friendship and sought professional counsel on what to do about constant insensitive comments that were coming my way. She (my counselor) encouraged me to get away from the friend and focus on my husband, son and getting through my grief and stay close to friends who were willing and able to share my load. So I did.
But this friend also just happened to be a close friend of my husband's family and it was going to be hard to avoid seeing her. So I asked his family to support my decision to withdraw from this relationship and they said they would. My sister-in-law even went so far to say that I was family and that family came first and that she fully supported me. That Christmas, the family honored my wishes and the friend (and her family) were not invited to our family gathering as they had been in the past. I felt loved, validated and affirmed by my husband's rallying around me. Until my miscarriage.
Four weeks passed after my miscarriage and the barrage of hurtful comments and I felt that I was ready to see people, including my husband's family, who I felt had wounded me the most. Wounds from those closest to us tend to hurt more than those from others. At any rate, I thought I was ready and we agreed to go to the annual gathering at my mother-in-law's house to celebrate the July/August birthdays, of which there were many. I was anxious, but wanted to do my part to heal the damage of which really none of them were aware. We had kept our feelings to ourselves about people's comments. We knew they meant well, but just didn't know what to say to us and we were trying not to allow it to destroy our relationships.
Just 15 minutes after we arrived, the friend who I had decided to stop seeing pulled up the long driveway to my mother-in-law's house with her family in tow. I could not believe it! I was so angry and hurt. I felt so betrayed by them. They promised me, stood by me, affirmed me and betrayed me. I looked at my sister-in-law and said, "How could you do this?" and ran into the house where my mother-in-law stood preparing food. I asked if she knew this person was coming and she said my sister-in-law invited her. I yelled that I felt set up and betrayed and could not believe they would do this to me to which she yelled back, "this is a house of peace and love, we will not have this." I felt trapped and did not want to be forced to see this person, so I ran out the back door, through the woods to the street below and called my husband on his cell phone to pick me up immediately, crying uncontrollably, overwhelmed by the pain of this betrayal.
This is all I can write tonight. I will continue processing as I can ...
