After meeting with my counselor twice before Christmas about the story that was written by my husband's sister, I am ready to do the "accounting" needed in order to start trying to forgive them. By them, I mean my husband's family who has wounded me over and over and over again with their words and actions. I told my counselor that I was on the verge of hating them and that I didn't want my anger to poison me, but I really am at the point of never wanting to see any of them again. It is all I can do not to "unfriend" all of them forever, on Facebook, and in life. But I know that is not God's way and I really want what God wants. I just don't know how to do it, but I'm going to try.
The first step, she says, is to do an accounting of the offenses. Wow, that is going to be tough, but I am going to give it a try. There have been so many, I almost don't know where to begin. Part of me is scared because I know it will hurt and I don't want to feel any more pain. But processing the pain is part of the healing, so here I go picking at the scabs again so hopefully this time they can heal for good ...
The first offense took place when I miscarried my "sub-baby" in June of 2008. I had gone in for my second blood test to reconfirm my pregnancy and my doctor told me my HcG levels were decreasing instead of increasing. I asked him if it were possible for my levels to go down and back up? He said "possible but not probable" and asked if I wanted to come back for another test in a few days to see? I declined. I refused to allow fear to control me and another questionable test result was not going to do me any good. But fear still creeped in and I called my mother-in-law for reassurance and prayer because I thought she was trustworthy. I was wrong. She belittled me and said that she had just prayed with someone who said that fear was going to make me lose the baby and said that God had "told her" that "the baby is fine, Emily is fine, the baby is fine, Emily is fine ..." and hung up with me. I was so hurt. Fear cannot cause a person to lose a baby and I certainly didn't need to be made to feel guilty for being afraid. I felt mocked and belittled by her response and clung to God and Chad for hope that this baby would make it. I emailed a few people to pray and waited. A couple of days later, I started to bleed and I knew the pregnancy was over. At the same time, I was due to attend the birth of my friend, Lisa's long-awaited sub-baby. She had asked me to be there and I wanted to be there. I wasn't going to allow what was happening to me steal that. So I stood in the hospital and helped her baby come into the world while I was losing mine. On the way home from the hospital, my sister-in-law called to say she had heard that I was miscarrying and started rambling about how she was sick of death ... "your babies are dying and our business is dying" and then spent the next 30 minutes ranting about HER life while I was losing my baby. Maybe I was a little sensitive, but who wouldn't be? I was so hurt by her selfishness in my moment of need and offended that she would compare the loss of my child to her business failing. A business/job can be replaced. A child cannot. I think my hurt was justified.
More later ...
