I've been doing that a lot in my mind over the last few days, remembering things like, on Tuesday, I remembered going to my last doctor's appointment at Good Sam followed by a spontaneous trip to the zoo with Chad and Benjamin that Monday, which was also the 27th. We ran into my neighbor from our old house on Wallace Avenue, who didn't even know I was pregnant again. At that point, there was no hiding it ... I was ready to pop! I remember that last conversation with her as if it were yesterday. I spent yesterday, the 28th, remembering the following day, which was the day I went into labor. I had gone to the Cincinnati Museum Center with my friend, Nicole, and her little girl, Ava, and new baby, Aiden, who was 2 months old. We enjoyed being pregnant together and were excited to have two more kids that would grow up together! Benjamin and Ava watched the trains while Nicole and I talked about how much we both couldn't wait until Abby was born, which was just days away, and how she and Aiden would have a relationship like Benjamin and Ava. And then I remembered that night, going into labor. We had just put Benjamin to bed and started watching "The Unit" when my contractions started. I remember thinking, "not yet baby" because I wanted Chad to be off for all of the holidays! He had arranged a long sabbatical to be home with us through the end of December. An early arrival meant he would have to return to work before New Years. But then I couldn't tell if my labor was the real thing or not, so we just took our time figuring everything out and hoping that she wasn't coming just yet. If only I had known to get to the hospital right away instead of waiting those four long hours, maybe she'd be here now? But, of course, I can't think like that.
As I watched the clock last night ... 9:00, my labor started one year ago at this time ... 10:00, I called the doctor one year ago at this time ... 11:00, I called my parents one year ago at this time ... 12:30, my parents arrived one year ago at this time ... 1:00, we left for the hospital one year ago at this time ... 2:00, we arrived and checked into labor and delivery one year ago at this time. And this morning my mind did the same thing ... 7:15 (when we woke up today), I was still in labor one year ago at this time. Then finally at 11:29, my sweet, precious Abby was born one year ago at this time, already an angel, already in Heaven. Not of this world. Strangely, though, as all these thoughts came into my mind over the last 36 hours or so, I have had an overwhelming sense of peace. Chad said when he was at Teen Challenge (where he works) on Tuesday, he walked in on the students praying for us. They were praying fervently for peace over our family and comfort to get us through this week. And we have been told by many others that they have been praying for us, too. All I can say is that I felt it ... we felt it. It's that "peace that surpasses understanding" that you read about in the Bible. It came over us the week of Abby's funeral and we've felt it many times in the last year, but it has been so overwhelming this week as we felt the prayers of others lifting us up out of our grief. We were actually able to enjoy, and be excited about, this day ... and that is no small miracle!
I woke up this morning, excited to do all the things we'd planned to make today special. Yesterday, Benjamin helped me bake a cake for Abby's birthday and we sang "Happy Birthday" and lit a candle for her after lunch today. It was very sweet. Then we spent some time alone, just the three of us, remembering. We looked at her pictures, watched her video and went through the hope chest that now holds all of our memories of Abby and sits in the room that would have been hers. Her blankets, her bears, all of the wonderful sympathy cards, her baby book and memory box ... we looked at everything! And, again, it was so peaceful. We only shed a few tears as we watched the few moments we were able to capture on video of our sweet, precious girl. But they were not heavy tears, like the ones that usually fall. Through the loving prayers of so many , the depth of our pain was being lifted, even if only for a day. Finally, we put Benjamin down for a nap and prepared for the rest of the day's events. When he woke up, we picked up G.G. (great-grandma) and met the rest of our family at the cemetery for a balloon release. I ordered 25 white latex balloons (one for each person) and attached a card to each one that read, "This balloon was released on 11.29.07 in memory of Abigail Graceland Werner, who would have been one year old today. If you find this balloon, please visit: www.abigail-werner.memory-of.com and let us know where it landed and how you found it! Thank you for remembering Abby with us on this very special day!" We said a prayer as a family then sent the balloons soaring through the sky just as the sun began to go down over the horizon. It was perfect and beautiful, just the way we wanted it.
After the balloon release, our family joined us for dinner at a local restaurant. As I visited with each person, I thanked them for the love and support they had given us all year long and for being with us tonight. I don't think I could have faced this night alone. I did not want to go to the cemetery, just the three of us, and mourn our little girl on her birthday. I wanted to celebrate her, just as we would have done if she were here to celebrate with us. And it truly was a celebration. Of Abby. Of family. Of life. We are truly blessed.
