Overwhelmed

I am just overwhelmed with sadness again. I am trying so hard to submit my will and trust God with everything, but I am so, so sad again tonight. I just don't know what to do with all this sadness. And I am so frustrated that I can't talk about it. That the only way I can even try to share my pain with those around me is to write. I wish everyone knew how hard this is, but that would mean everyone would lose a child, which I wish on no one. I don't know what to do with my broken heart. I know I need to submit all these feelings to the Lord. I know I need to submit my will to him. I think I have because, honestly, what other choice do I have? I just wonder if I'll be this sad for the rest of my life! I don't want to feel like this anymore. My nephew, Nik, is spending the night tonight. He is sleeping in Abby's room. I asked him to put something in "the room where he is sleeping" and he said, "Abby's room?" I was so happy that he recognized that it is her room. Later, when we were putting Benjamin and Nik to bed, he saw her picture and exclaimed, "Baby Abby!" and ran over to see it. Oh, that blessed me. I was so happy that he remembered her! Later, though, he said, "she's in the cemetery." And I said, "No, she is in Heaven! Her body is in the cemetery, but she lives with Jesus! Grandpa Werner is holding her until we can go there someday!" He looked so confused, like Benjamin often does. How do you explain to a 3 and 4 year old that even though someone is buried in a cemetery, they live in Heaven? It broke my heart. I don't think people realize that, while I can get through many conversations, my heart is usually breaking inside. I long for someone to ask how I'm doing ... how I'm really doing, and mean it. I am constantly thinking about and reminded of Abby's absence in our lives. How Benjamin is growing up without her. How he is outgrowing all of his toys and his baby things are collecting dust in our basement, waiting to be used by some future child who has yet to be conceived. How we anguish month after month when I find out yet again that I am not pregnant and wonder if I will ever be! How every time I see a child her age in a store, on TV or in a magazine, my heart breaks. How even looking at Benjamin's baby pictures can make me sad. How I silently cry when no one, often even Chad, is looking because I don't want anyone to really see my pain. I want to be "normal," I want to be "happy," I want to be "better" but I don't know how or when I ever will. I just know that there is this HUGE hole in my heart and nothing I do seems to help.