Back From The Escape, Now To Face The Week

We went away for Thanksgiving this year. It was the first time in my life that I didn't spend it with my family. I just knew that I could not face it, so we planned a trip weeks ago and just got back last night. It made the holiday bearable, enjoyable even. Thanksgiving weekend was our last "happy" memory before Abby died. Everyone was filled with so much joy in anticipation of her impending birth! We lost her the Tuesday after Thanksgiving last year, just 13 days before my scheduled repeat c-section was to be performed. We arrived at the hospital in labor that Tuesday night, ready to deliver our baby girl, a couple of weeks early, but ready to welcome her into the world ... and that was it. No heartbeat. She was gone. Now that I'm home from our trip, the sadness of that cold November day is catching up with me. I knew I couldn't escape it, only postpone it for awhile. After unpacking and settling back into the house, I updated the erasable calendar in the kitchen. As I wrote the dates ... November 29 ... December 11 ... December 18 (her birthday/angel day, my scheduled c/s date and her due date, respectively) ... I could hardly believe it. I can't believe those dates are on my calendar again, staring back at me like an unwelcome guest. I can't believe that a year ago today she was still alive and I had no idea what was about to happen; how our hopes and dreams were about to be shattered and our lives were about to be changed forever. I can't believe only 13 days longer and she would have been here. She would have been alive. I can't believe this happened to us. And I can't believe how much I still hurt one year later. Suddenly the pain of losing her feels so fresh. It feels so long ago, yet so recent. She just slipped right through our fingers, just hours before her birth. I can almost grasp it, but it is out of reach. I can't get my arms around it. How I wish I could hold her just one more time. To kiss her, touch her, to love her. Just to remember that she was a real person, that she was here and that she wasn't just a dream. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this week. It is all rushing back to me and I miss her more than ever ...