Two Weeks And Two Days

I can't hold the tears back tonight. I can't believe in just two weeks and two days my sweet girl would be celebrating her first birthday ... and she's not here. I will never see her smile, never hear her laugh, never hold her hand as she learns to walk, never watch her play with her big brother, never hear her first word, it just goes on and on. I am so completely heartbroken that I can't even put it into words. My heart just aches for her, to hold her, to stroke her hair, to feel the warmth of her skin. It just feels like the reality that she is gone and will never again be a part of our lives has hit me all over again. Like a dagger in my heart. I don't know when I will stop missing her, if ever. There are always reminders of her all around me. Every day I think of what we would be doing if she were here; how different our lives would be right now. How that missing place would be filled simply by her presence. It just seems so empty without her. So ... wrong. Why aren't there words to express how I am feeling? They just don't seem to exist. It just hurts, physically. My arms ache for her. My heart aches for her. My head just can't reconcile the fact that she is dead. Just two weeks and two days. That's all I had left when I wrote my last blog before she was born. All that excitement and anticipation was met with such heartbreak and disappointment and devastation. All of the things I was thinking and feeling this time last year keep coming to the surface. That and the big hole that will always be in our family as long as she is not here. How can it be that I have to live my entire life before I can see her again? Before I can hold her? How can it be that my little boy is growing up and will never know his sister? And that he probably won't remember her either? How can it be that a year has passed already? When my life has stood still for so long and everybody else has moved on? How can it be that my heart is still so broken after all this time? And it feels like it will be for a long time to come. The tears just won't stop falling tonight. I miss her so much. So very, very much. I am so brokenhearted.