Perspective

If you read my last blog then you know that I am feeling really frustrated right now. Particularly because every obstacle we have faced in the last 11 months has not only been out of our control, but been beyond our ability to overcome. Only God can overcome them! And for some reason he is choosing not to? In 11 months, I have had my daughter die unexpectedly while giving birth, my cat die after weeks of unsuccessful treatment for the sudden onset of an unknown disease, chronic pain for three months following the birth of my daughter before it was discovered that a mistake had been made when stitching me back together after delivery, corrective surgery for the mistake followed by another 6 week recovery, our retaining wall caved in around our driveway which cost us thousands of dollars to fix, huge medical bills we can't pay, lost three of my closest friends, endured an investigation of our daughter's death, taken legal action to get reimbursement for our medical expenses for the corrective surgery, been denied (and out $200) for the refinancing of our home to try to consolidate our debt, dealt with an "expert" doctor who won't form an opinion on our case, waited while doctors and hospitals conceal and withhold records that are ours, worked with slow unresponsive lawyers, endured the inability to get pregnant again, found out I have hypothyroidism, started infertility treatments which are not covered by insurance and on and on ... and all this while grieving the loss of our daughter and every special moment she is not here to celebrate with our family. So much is out of control that it makes my head spin just to think about it. We have prayed and fasted until we hurt and every move we have made to overcome has failed. Every prayer has been unanswered. Every obstacle remains in place. It is as if there is something blocking everything we do. So all we have left to do is to cry out for God to come to our rescue! We are completely and totally at his mercy!!! Which, I believe, is actually right where he wants us. He wants us to be totally dependent on him. And he wants us to recognize that he doesn't always work in the ways we want him to, but in ways that do benefit us. What I failed to recognize is that He has given us so many people who love us and have stood by us in every way possible and that through them, he has shown us immeasurable love. He has also provided for us financially, given us comfort and peace in times of great turmoil, stretched our faith further than we ever imagined it could go, given us dreams and visions and encouraged us prophetically through his word and the word of his prophets, provided us with ministry opportunities that we never would have had if we had not had to walk the treacherous terrain of grief, allowed us the privilege of walking with others who grieve to be an encouragement to them and point them to Jesus, developed unbelievable perserverance in us, strengthened our marriage, including the renewal of our vows, and allowed us to reprioritize our lives to be more focused on him and each other than ever before. He has shown us how to completely let go of control because at the end of the day, we really have none. He has shown us that, despite our circumstances, we can praise him and trust him. That he is good and just and that we don't need all the answers. That we are nothing without him and have nothing without him. He is all that I have and all that I need. He is everything. I am hopeful that he will hear my cry for mercy and not tarry. He knows my heart's desire. But he also knows what is best for me and if and when to give me what I'm asking for. So for now, I will ask and pray that he gives it, but if he doesn't, I will still praise his name because I know that he is who he says he is. And that, my friends, is the only thing I can count on.