Putting the crib back up ... sigh ...

We put the crib back up today. It wasn't the way I had expected. We did not put it back up to begin the process of preparing to bring HOPE home and redecorating the room. Instead, we put it back up, just as it looked when we were expecting Abby so that it would present well when we start showing our home. I was filled with mixed emotions today and trying so hard to surpress them. As I walked around the house looking at what we had done, I wondered what prospective buyers would think as they walked through. Would they think she was alive and this was her room? Would they look around and wonder why there aren't any toys or signs of a baby in the house? Would they put it together when they see the memorials around the house and figure out that she is dead? Would they even give it any thought at all??? We felt it was important to put the room back together and now I'm wondering if that was such a good decision. It does make it look better with the crib than with the daybed, which took up half the room. The crib makes the room look bigger. And it is prettier. But it stirs so many emotions for me. I am sad that this will not be the house that Hope comes home to from Russia. I am sad that I will never get the joy of redecorating that room and making it a place for life instead of a memory of death. I am sad that neither Abby or Hope will ever live or grow up in this house. I guess I'll just keep the door closed and try not to think about it ...

Fall is coming ...

Days like today make me think about Abby. I have been holding a lot in lately. Just not sure who I can turn to with all this pain and anger. I think holding the pain in has turned it into anger. When I get emotional, I lash out when really I just need to cry. But I feel like no one will accept my tears anymore. Maybe that's a lie, but it's how I feel at times. With some problems with the adoption arising, I wonder, will I ever have another child to love? Or will I always carry this pain for the one I gave birth to and lost? She was here! I kissed her! I held her! I loved her! And she's gone. I long for Heaven. This life is so full of pain. I would never take my life -- I love my husband and son. But if they were gone, I would have no reason to stay. I stay for them. I live for them. I want to live for more, but if I'm really honest with myself, I just make it because they need me to make it. I live life and stuff this pain because they need me to. I don't know what I'd do or how I'd live if I didn't have them. I love you, Lord, but I'm struggling so hard to trust you. I wish I could just give you my whole heart, but there is a part of me that still blames you for what happened. You could have prevented it, but you didn't. WHERE WERE YOU?????????? Why did you abandon me? I just want my little girl. I want a normal life. I want what everyone else is just so easily allowed to have. I don't want to work so hard to build a family. I just want to HAVE one. Why why why is it so hard and so much to ask? Please restore my trust in you. Restore my faith and bring me peace as I approach yet another fall without my Abby and without HOPE.

My Sweet ^Z^

Dear Zach,

One year ago my dream of having another biological child died with you. I know I have not paid attention to you like I did to Abby when she died. I guess it was too painful to mourn another loss. I just wanted life to return to normal. To feel whole again. It hurt so much to spend all those months trying and trying to get pregnant only to lose another baby. But I want to acknowledge you today and let you know that I do remember you, I do love you and that I wanted you every bit as much as I wanted your big brother and sister. I feel guilty for not doing things to remember you like I do with Abby. Abby was here. I saw her. I held her. I kissed her. I touched her. Your existence just seems like a dream. You were only in my womb for a brief moment, but in that moment you gave me so much hope. I will never forget all the ways that God showed me that, even though it was a painful time for me, His hand was still on my life. From the dream that I would have a son named Zach to your big brother naming you, not knowing that was already your name in my heart. I couldn't believe we didn't get to keep you. It hurt so much. I will always remember that you are mine and that one day I will see your tiny face, hold you, kiss you and hug you, like I did your big sister. And our family chain will never again be broken. Until that day, June 24 will always remind me of you and what could have been. I love you sweet son.

Love,
Mommy

PLEASE!

PLEASE

PLEASE, don’t ask me if I’m over it yet.
I’ll never be over it.

PLEASE, don’t tell me she’s in a better place.
She isn’t here with me.

PLEASE, don’t tell me you know how I feel
Unless you have lost a child.

PLEASE, don’t ask me if I feel better.
Bereavement isn’t a condition that clears up.

PLEASE, don’t tell me at least you had her for so many years
(or that I'm lucky that I lost her before I became too attached)
What year would you choose for your child to die?

PLEASE, don’t tell me God never gives us more than we can bear.

PLEASE, just say you are sorry.

PLEASE, just say you remember my child, if you do.

PLEASE, just let me talk about my child.

PLEASE, mention my child’s name.

PLEASE, just let me cry.


Written by Rita Moran (in Compassionate Friends)

Article About Abby

Hi all, I haven't been on here in a long time, but I wanted to share something that happened recently. A reporter from the Daily Herald in Lehi, Utah, contacted me last week and asked if they could use a photo that was touched up by Angelpics for an article they were writing about the organization in their community. When Abby was born, there was only one photo taken of her face that we felt we could share w/our friends and family (the one in my full profile). We considered it a miracle that we had at least one that turned out so perfect, but we were still disappointed that the remaining photos showed too much trauma from her birth and death to share. Angelpics was able to retouch a few pictures for us and now we have several that we are able share with others and remember our daughter. I know you understand the importance of photographs and the validation that they bring. The article ran this morning w/o the photo, but they mentioned my daughter and my feelings about the pictures. I wanted to share it with you. The reporter did a wonderful job with the article and Angelpics did a wonderful job with our photos. I would highly recommend them.

Angelpics story in Daily Herald, Lehi

Poem

My sister and I were on the phone recently and she shared an excerpt read during the eulogy of a family member on her husband's side and it was so beautiful and profound, I asked if I could share it with you ...

I am a child.
I stand alone on the playground in the gathering dusk.
I look around and I am sad, for my friend has been called home by a Wise and Loving Parent.
I know this -- I know the Parent is both wise and loving, and I know my friend is safe and warm at home -- and yes, I know I will see my friend again, in the dawning of the new day.
But I am a child.
A child understands one thing: NOW!!
A child does not understand later, or perhaps, or tomorrow; a child exists in the moment, and I am a child.
I will see my friend again in the dawning of the new day, but to a child, tomorrow is forever, an eternity.
When one of our own is called in by that Wise and Loving Parent, we look around the playground and cry for them, for there is still light enough to play. There is still light, there is time, but my friend is gone, and I must wait.

Written by Linn Keller

All I could think is, "wow, that's it!" I wish I could play with my daughter. I wish I could tickle her until she can't breathe. I wish I could watch her squeal with delight as she and her brother chase each other around the house. I wish we could play until she was so tired she would just fall asleep wherever she was at the moment. I wish they could grow up together and we could make all these memories we will never have.

Missing our children today and wishing we could play just one more hour together ...

Abby's 2nd Birthday in Heaven

I just wanted to share some pics from Abby's 2nd birthday in Heaven. We went to the cemetery on Thanksgiving Day (two days before her birthday) to place a balloon on her grave. Someone had already left her a flower ...



We left town the next morning for Brown County State Park with our l/c. We found a little florist in town and had a dozen pink and white balloons filled with helium then hiked to the highest point in the park to have our own little balloon release. The sun was shining and it was a perfectly blue sky with just a few white, whispy clouds scattered throughout it. It was so peaceful up there, just the three of us, the crisp November air, and memories of our sweet, baby girl ...



Thanks for letting me share and for remembering my sweet Abby with me!

~ Emily

PS - I am also sharing some pics of the tree that was planted in her memory near my parents condo. The site wouldn't let me include them in my original post. The stone reads, "Those we have held in our arms for a little while, we hold in our hearts forever" and is engraved, "In Memory of Abigail G. Werner, November 29, 2006." The tree was planted in honor of her second birthday.