Why am I so sad today?

I can’t believe how sad I am. Fourth of July shouldn’t be a big deal. I got through Christmas, New Year’s, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day ... I just didn’t expect to be so sad today of all days. My husband has to work tonight and I am at the family Fourth of July gathering and I just feel so alone and so sad. I am so tired of being sad all the time. I am sad ALL the time! I just feel like the damper to every party, every special moment that comes and goes. I am tired of being sad, but my baby girl should be here. She should be in her cute little Fourth of July outfit, matching her big brother in his. My niece should be driving me crazy because she won’t stop touching the baby. Everyone should be oohing and ahhing over the adorable little gingham check outfit I bought her last year. I even got it out of the closet and held it. It’s actually hanging in my bedroom right now. I feel like a lunatic! I am sure that if anyone knew, they would think I was a little crazy. I want to take a picture of it and send it to everyone so they see how cute it is. I bought it last June, anticipating that she would wear it today. It was the first and one of the few outfits that I bought for her. I had a lot of hand-medowns since she was a second child and many of my friends already had girls. I just miss her so much and I want her here with me. I am so overwhelmed with sadness. I feel like I have spent every minute of the day thinking about her and have not been able to enjoy my son. I feel like a bad mommy for not wanting to be with him. And I feel like a bad sister, aunt, daughter, etc. for sitting here on the sofa typing on the laptop while everyone else is visiting and enjoying each other and talking about their happy lives. I just can’t do the small talk when I am hurting so much inside. No one sees it, no one knows it, but I am hurting so much today. I haven’t been on MISS in awhile because I just can’t find the words to express how I’ve been feeling most of the time. This is the first time that I have had the words to express myself, and I am not even sure if I am getting out everything that I need to get out. That would take hours ... maybe days!!! Time is going too fast and too slow. I want it to slow down so I can breathe, but I also want it to speed up so that I can not be sad every single day of it. When will I stop feeling sad? I want to enjoy my son and not miss all the special moments in his life (he is three). But I just want to be pregnant again and have something happy in my life. I want something to look forward to. Something that will bring me joy and take away this pain ...

Fourth of July

I can't believe how sad I am. Fourth of July shouldn't be a big deal. I got through Christmas, New Year's, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day ... I just didn't expect to be so sad today of all days. My husband has to work tonight and I am at the family Fourth of July gathering and I just feel so alone and so sad. I am so tired of being sad all the time. I am sad ALL the time! I just feel like the damper to every party, every special moment that comes and goes. I am tired of being sad, but my baby girl should be here. She should be in her cute little Fourth of July outfit, matching her big brother in his. My niece should be driving me crazy because she won't stop touching the baby. Everyone should be oohing and ahhing over the adorable little gingham check outfit I bought her last year. I bought it last June, anticipating that she would wear it today. It was the first and one of the few outfits that I bought for her. I had a lot of hand-me-downs since she was a second child and many of my friends already had girls. I just miss her so much and I want her here with me. I am so overwhelmed with sadness. I feel like I have spent every minute of the day thinking about her and have not been able to enjoy my son. I feel like a bad mommy for not wanting to be with him. And I feel like a bad sister, aunt, daughter, etc. for sitting here on the sofa typing on the laptop while everyone else is visiting and enjoying each other and talking about their happy lives. I just can't do the small talk when I am hurting so much inside. No one sees it, no one knows it, but I am hurting so much today. This is the first time that I have had the words to express myself, and I am not even sure if I am getting out everything that I need to get out. That would take hours ... maybe days!!! Time is going too fast and too slow. I want it to slow down so I can breathe, but I also want it to speed up so that I can not be sad every single day of it. When will I stop feeling sad? I want to enjoy my son and not miss all the special moments in his life (he is three). But I just want to be pregnant again and have something happy in my life. I want something to look forward to. Something that will bring me joy and take away this pain ...

Thankfulness

Well, our vacation started out rough, but ended up being a delightful time together. Benjamin had a great time. He got to ride in an airplane, catch a lizard, swim in the ocean, feed an alligator, build sandcastles, see a sunset, ride on a boat, watch the dolphins and manatees, play with live sandollars, find seashells, and touch a seahorse (and more!). It was such a joy to watch him experience so many "firsts" and filled a huge longing in my heart to see my child doing that (since Abby's not with us). The joy of discovery through a child's eyes is the most fulfilling of all experiences of parenthood in my book. That look of wonder and that gleam they get in their eyes is unexplainably joyful. I can see why God created little ones. It's so amazing ...

Now for me ... well, I've come back feeling a lot more positive, or at least trying. I was making a good attempt at it before we left, but was failing miserably despite my efforts. I don't think trying for trying's sake is the answer. Vacation and time away with just Chad and Benjamin put so many things in perspective. I realized that I really do have so much to be thankful for, namely the little boy who was never "supposed" to be! He is such a precious gift and I can't imagine my life without him. I was reminded again about what a miracle he really is and how grateful I am that he is here. So Chad and I have agreed that we are going to make more "just us" time and let the vacation feeling continue. Of all the time we spend, it is the most fulfilling and rewarding. It always has been, but we're trying to savor every moment and live with no regrets. The last little bit of baby in him is almost gone now, and we want to take in every moment that remains.

It is so easy to be so focused on the negative things that have happened and get lost in them. There are many, and some of them continue to be a source of great pain and distress, but I am also trying to count my blessings, so I thought it would help to list some of them here ...

* My awesome husband who drives me nuts and makes me crazy, but I love him just the same ...

* My beautiful, precious son whom I adore beyond words and all of the wonderful discoveries yet ahead of him that I will have the privilege of watching ...

* The incredible love and support of friends and family. We have met so many bereaved parents who do not have the support that we have been given. I am so thankful to have people who genuinely care ...

* The way God has provided financially. Even though we are still in need, we have been provided for in every possible way ...

* Three amazing employers who are understanding, giving and caring, and who have gone above and beyond to help and truly watch over us ...

* My amazing parents and in-laws and their steadfast prayers and support. I am blown away at the ways they have helped us in the last six months, financially, emotionally and spiritually ...

* My neighbors, who have loved on us and been supportive of us. Even though they don't always talk about Abby, they have shown amazing support and concern and have gone out of their way to care ...

* All of my new friends on MISS and BBC and even here on MySpace who have lost babies and share their hearts and hurts with me. I could not have survived one minute of the last six months without them ...

* My "IRL" (in-real-life) friends, Lisa & Becky, who both lost babies last year. To have a place to go and people to talk to that know and understand what I am feeling is invaluable. I am so thankful that God put them in my life for such a time as this ...

* My other new friends, not ones who have lost children, but ones who have shown love and concern, friendship and have been inspired in some way by my daughter's short life. They have given purpose and meaning to her life and helped heal my broken heart ...

Thanks for letting me get that out. It really does help!

How Long ???

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
~ Psalm 13:1 & 2

Confessions

What would I be without you? You love me when I'm on the mountain top and when I'm in the pit. When I cannot lift my eyes, you are there. When I cannot hold my tongue, you are there. When I cannot find my way, you are there. When I have no prayer, you are there ... you are always there. You are my anchor, my hope, my life ...

You are my best friend. I don't deserve you. I can't believe you haven't left me. I don't deserve you. In all these years, I cannot imagine being with anyone else. You have loved me when I am wretched and unlovable. Did I say that I don't deserve you? You have seen the ugliest places in my soul and yet you love me. You have watched me come unglued. You have walked through the darkest places in my heart with me. I have never met anyone like you or felt love that was so unconditional. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you with all my heart. Always.

You are the only friend I have ever had in my life that has let me be myself, 100% the real deal, the good, the bad and the ugly, all of it. I have never had reason for erecting a wall or shutting you out. You are the one safest person in my life. No expectations, no confrontations, just love. I am so glad you came back. I don't know how I made it through all those years without you. I know you missed me, but I am convinced that I missed you more. And I'll stand by you, too ...

Where are you? I am heartbroken that you have been gone all this time. Why did you go? It is the hour of my need and yet you are gone? What did I do? I was there when your dad died, when your mom died, when your mom's best friend died, at the courthouse on the day of your divorce, and yet you abandoned me when I needed you most. Why? I don't understand.

I can't believe how you have changed. I am amazed! I hope it is for real and doesn't go away. But I'm not letting myself get too close because it could go back to the way it was at any minute. I have longed for you to be the person I have always needed. Slowly I see that person emerging, but I'm not sure if I can trust you yet. I have needed you so much. And for so long. My heart has been aching for your love. It feels so good to finally have it. And slowly I'm learning to trust you again. If I should ...

I wish you could let your guard down and be real with me. You don't always have to be a spiritual example. You know I look up to you you and always have. But for once it would be nice if you were just my friend. I wish you could just say how you really feel. I don't need to hear anything but your heart. I need your heart so much right now, yet you withhold it from me. You know how much I love you, there is no reason to be afraid. Please let your heart hang out with me. You are safe here.

Thank you for understanding. Thank you for no expectations. Thank you for grace. Thank you for proving that things are different now. And for asking. And for saying you're sorry. And for loving us through this.

You would think I would know what to say to you, but I don't. I don't know how to comfort you. I don't know if it's even possible. But I do know that I love you and I'm here for you, that I cry with you, that I hurt with you, that I wish I could take it all away and make it better. How I wish I could make it all better ... but I'm thankful we have eachother.

Thank you for waiting. Please wait. It's going to take time. I need time.

I feel your pain, that aching in your heart, that longing to know ... I wish I could take it away. I want you to know that I know where he is, even if you don't. I know because that is where she is, too. I pray that you will one day be able to believe that and you will find peace. I know how much you need to know ...

You are doing the right thing. Never forget that. You have done everything you can and now it's time to step back. You are doing the right thing! Don't let them trick you into thinking you are the bad guy. You are not the bad guy! I am so glad you are back in my life.

I am so glad I met you. You give everything meaning. You give everything purpose. You are the reason I can go on. You give me hope. Please don't stop!

I am so thankful for you. You make me laugh. You make me cry. You give me hope. Thank you for helping me feel normal when I feel like I'm just going crazy! Thanks for letting me talk about things that would otherwise make me blush!!! Thank you for being real.

It has been a long 11 years. I have longed and waited for this moment. I can see it's going to take time, but it's happening right before my eyes! I grieved our friendship for so long. A part of my heart was torn out that day. I can't explain it. You were the best friend I have ever had, before or since. I have never been the same since it happened and I know you haven't either. I have never been able to get as close, to trust as much. Thank you for forgiving me. If I had it to do over, I would have done it a lot differently, but it is what it is. I love you so much. I don't think you will ever understand just how much.

I am so proud of you. Look at you! Just look! You are so beautiful ... like a flower in bloom. I am bursting with pride as if you were my own! Each one of you ...

You are the only little girl I've ever had, even though you weren't mine. I was reminded of that after she died. You were my little girl, too. And now you are all grown up. I wish I could spend more time with you. I don't think you know how special you are to me. How much I love and adore you. I want to stay close to you, to be there for you always. Please know that and don't ever be afraid to talk to me. I love you and I will always, always be here for you, no matter what.

I don't think you know me as well as you think you do. That's my fault. I never really trusted you. I never really let my guard down. Only just a little, and then maybe a little more ... but never all the way. I am not who you think I am. I am someone completely different, really. You just never let me show you the real me. You always gave me a reason to question whether I was really safe with you. I hope someday I will feel safe. And I hope someday we can really know each other. This time without walls.

I don't know why I always tear you down. I don't know why I can't just love you the way you are. I don't know why. I wish I wasn't so frustrated all the time. I wish I wouldn't get so angry. I wish I could control my tongue. But it gets away from me and it's too late. But you still love me anyway. Please know how much I love you and I'm sorry. I love you so much.

What I wouldn't give to have one more moment with you. To look into your eyes. To hear you breathe. To touch your skin. To feel your warmth. I wish I could remember. I wish I could change so many things. I wish I could just accept that you are gone. I wish it didn't hurt so much.

I thank God for you. I want to spend every moment with you. I don't want to miss a thing. I wish I could slow down time so it wouldn't go so fast. I am so proud of you. I adore you. I can't imagine life without you. You are my sunshine and you will always be mine.

Thank you. You have given me a gift that I will treasure forever. I have never been good at receiving. So all I can say is thank you. I love you.

That's about all my heart can handle for one night ...

Things I Prayed For

Along the lines of my last blog, I have been thinking about all the good things God has done in my life, in spite of my past or present circumstances. As I look at my life I see a theme of loss and redemption. God has redeemed every "lost" thing in my life and I know He will continue to do so because He always has. He is who He says He is and I can trust him with my life ...

I originally created this five minute slideshow (below) as a personal presentation for a communications class I was taking in college. The assignment was to present my life to my classmates in a creative way. I have since updated the ending, although the rest of the show is exactly as it was when I first made it. I hope you'll take the time to watch it!

The story follows many feelings I had as I was growing up in my broken family, from childhood to adulthood. The lyrics to "Things I Prayed For" by Eli could not have been more fitting. My parents divorced when I was one and my mom, who had custody of me and my older brother and sister, remarried when I was two. My step-dad is the only father I've ever known. The three of us were immediately joined with his three children, but he lost custody and their mother took them away to raise them in Arizona. He was reunited with them after more than 20 years when I was sent on a business trip to Arizona where I found and met them. During my teen years, my step-dad and mom separated for a short time, but got back together again after some counseling and each member of our family began giving our lives to the Lord. In my teens and again in my early twenties, my sister and her family left and we did not see them again for another seven years. We were reunited just before I found out I was pregnant with my first child after six years of infertility.

In this slideshow, I wanted to capture the difficulties of my life as well as my continual hope that I would "be someone" someday in spite of all of the adversity I had experienced. Hind sight is always 20/20 and I can now see how God has worked through the circumstances of my life to create a beautiful story of loss and redemption and that in Him, I have always been "someone."

"Taken separately, the experiences of life can work harm and not good. Taken together, they make a pattern of blessing and strength the like of which the world does not know." ~ V. Raymond Edman

"And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." ~ Romans 8:28

"Be inspired and look for God's handiwork in your life ... it's there ... you just have to look for it." ~ Me

My Top Five

Wow, a good cry does wonders. I guess as long as I cry once a day, I'll be able to let this flood of emotion out, one tear at a time. It has been another rough day, but I cried and somehow I feel better ...

Anyway, I saw my friend A.J. posted her "top five" after I posted mine and I was reminded of all of the "mountain top" experiences in my life. I may be in the valley right now, but God still walks with me ... perhaps he is carrying me because He knows walking has been a challenge lately. I am discovering so much about Him these days ...

So I decided that I wanted to post my "top five" again, but this time in a blog ... so I can look back at those peaks from this valley and know that there are more peaks to come ... I just need to "be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:14). He is good ...

THE FIVE BEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE ...

In last night's episode of "Lost," Charlie made a list of the five best moments of his life and gave it to Desmond to give to Claire (his love interest) because he believed he was going to die. I thought to myself, "Hmm, that's a good idea. What are the five best moments of MY life???" Here are mine ...

1) The day I got baptized. It was 1991 and I had been attending my brother's church. It was the best feeling in the world ...

2) The first time Chad kissed me. It was our wedding day in 1997 and we had just been pronounced husband and wife ... "you may now kiss the bride ..."

3) The day my sister came back into my life after being gone for seven years. It was my Dad's 65th birthday in 2003 and we were having a party for him. I made a slideshow of his life in pictures and just as the slideshow ended with a picture of my dad and the words "to be continued ..." my sister walked in ...

4) The moment I found out I was pregnant with Benjamin after six years of infertility ... one month after my sister's return in 2003 ...

5) The moment I saw each of my children's faces for the first time ... even though one of them is no longer with me, I will treasure those moments forever ...