Well, our vacation started out rough, but ended up being a delightful time together. Benjamin had a great time. He got to ride in an airplane, catch a lizard, swim in the ocean, feed an alligator, build sandcastles, see a sunset, ride on a boat, watch the dolphins and manatees, play with live sandollars, find seashells, and touch a seahorse (and more!). It was such a joy to watch him experience so many "firsts" and filled a huge longing in my heart to see my child doing that (since Abby's not with us). The joy of discovery through a child's eyes is the most fulfilling of all experiences of parenthood in my book. That look of wonder and that gleam they get in their eyes is unexplainably joyful. I can see why God created little ones. It's so amazing ...
Now for me ... well, I've come back feeling a lot more positive, or at least trying. I was making a good attempt at it before we left, but was failing miserably despite my efforts. I don't think trying for trying's sake is the answer. Vacation and time away with just Chad and Benjamin put so many things in perspective. I realized that I really do have so much to be thankful for, namely the little boy who was never "supposed" to be! He is such a precious gift and I can't imagine my life without him. I was reminded again about what a miracle he really is and how grateful I am that he is here. So Chad and I have agreed that we are going to make more "just us" time and let the vacation feeling continue. Of all the time we spend, it is the most fulfilling and rewarding. It always has been, but we're trying to savor every moment and live with no regrets. The last little bit of baby in him is almost gone now, and we want to take in every moment that remains.
It is so easy to be so focused on the negative things that have happened and get lost in them. There are many, and some of them continue to be a source of great pain and distress, but I am also trying to count my blessings, so I thought it would help to list some of them here ...
* My awesome husband who drives me nuts and makes me crazy, but I love him just the same ...
* My beautiful, precious son whom I adore beyond words and all of the wonderful discoveries yet ahead of him that I will have the privilege of watching ...
* The incredible love and support of friends and family. We have met so many bereaved parents who do not have the support that we have been given. I am so thankful to have people who genuinely care ...
* The way God has provided financially. Even though we are still in need, we have been provided for in every possible way ...
* Three amazing employers who are understanding, giving and caring, and who have gone above and beyond to help and truly watch over us ...
* My amazing parents and in-laws and their steadfast prayers and support. I am blown away at the ways they have helped us in the last six months, financially, emotionally and spiritually ...
* My neighbors, who have loved on us and been supportive of us. Even though they don't always talk about Abby, they have shown amazing support and concern and have gone out of their way to care ...
* All of my new friends on MISS and BBC and even here on MySpace who have lost babies and share their hearts and hurts with me. I could not have survived one minute of the last six months without them ...
* My "IRL" (in-real-life) friends, Lisa & Becky, who both lost babies last year. To have a place to go and people to talk to that know and understand what I am feeling is invaluable. I am so thankful that God put them in my life for such a time as this ...
* My other new friends, not ones who have lost children, but ones who have shown love and concern, friendship and have been inspired in some way by my daughter's short life. They have given purpose and meaning to her life and helped heal my broken heart ...
Thanks for letting me get that out. It really does help!
