Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven

Happy birthday precious girl! What a special day it must have been in Heaven today! I just can't imagine the beauty that you get to experience every single day. If I close my eyes I can imagine you as a beautiful little four year old girl with long blonde hair spinning in a twirly princess dress all covered with glitter and gold. I can imagine reaching down to hold your hands in mine as we spin and twirl around the room singing silly songs laughing and hugging as we celebrate your special day. I look into your eyes and see my own but in your smile I see your daddy. You're a big girl now not a baby anymore yet I can still see your baby features in that beautiful big girl face. Oh how I wish I were there to celebrate with you!

As we drove home today from our annual getaway and thought about where we wanted to release your birthday balloons this year we noticed a sign that said "Hope - 12 miles." We decided what better place to celebrate Abby's birthday than Hope? So we drove into the little town of Hope Indiana and released 4 pink balloons and 4 white balloons and wished you a happy birthday as they got further and further away in the sky. I hope you could see them and that you can feel our love from Heaven. It hurts not to be able to watch you grow up here and have you in our family circle but we know you are safe in our Father's arms and someday soon we will see you and hold you and kiss your sweet face and never be separated again. Someday we will celebrate together forever!

Happy birthday 4th beautiful precious daughter. We love and miss you so much! Wishing things were different and you were here to celebrate with us ...

Love,
Mommy

Forgiveness

How do you forgive those who have hurt you most deeply? Those who were supposed to love you and be there for you and not only failed, but refused to do so, and at times even hurt you intentionally while they knew you were already in agony? I call that "friendly fire." It's like being in a war zone and getting shot in the back by the people on your own side. And then, when you are screaming in agony, they shoot you again. I don't know how to do it. Just when I think I've forgiven, I can feel the pain and see the hurt in my life towards those who have caused it. I am identifying the three greatest wounds as my church, my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law. I guess if I include Lisa, there are four. There are other friends who have done the same, but I think I've made peace with them. I don't know how to forgive the first ones, though, or if I even want to. I know I have to. (But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:15). I'm just being honest here. I fight it in my heart every day, but when the people you are trying to forgive continue to do things to hurt you, how do you really move on? Lord, I need your help because I can't do this on my own. Please help me truly forgive, from my heart.

Just Some Frustrations ...

I have been a believer 27 years and have been really following Christ for about 16 of them; married to a pastor for 13 of them; struggled through infertility for 6 of them; grieved over my daughter for almost 4 of them, and struggled with secondary infertility for another 3 of them. I have learned that we don't always get what we want. We ask God and sometimes He says yes, sometimes He says no, and sometimes He says not yet. I now find myself in a place of frustration with the arrogance of believers who just "know" God is going to do this or that for them (or for someone they are praying for) and I have come to an almost complete intolerance for it to the point where I cannot stand to be around most of them. I feel like I am going to scream when I hear people say that they just know that "God would never let that happen to me" (or the person they are praying for) or that somehow if something bad happens, the person didn't pray enough or somehow failed when the truth is that God does let bad things happen. He doesn't allow it because He's mean or wants to hurt us, but He does allow it. He sees the beginning and the end and He never allows something bad to happen that can't be used for tremendous good in our life or in the lives of others. And sometimes it is to change the entire course of our life (i.e. this website wouldn't exist if it weren't for Joanne and her sweet baby girl Cheyenne). But why do they think they are entitled to a happy ending? None of us is entitled to that. We are taught time and time again (in the Bible) that the path includes sorrow and suffering and that we are to take up our cross and follow Him. Some crosses are heavier than others and we are called to help carry those. I don't understand the mentality of the western church (or, I should say American church) when people are suffering around the world and even in our own country. People are dying and being tortured for their faith. People lose loved ones every day. Cancer kills. Soldiers die in war. Accidents happen. People grieve. Where do these people who believe they deserve their happy ending get their theology? Am I cursed or not a good Christian because my child died? Or because I believe that sorrow and suffering could possibly be part of God's plan for me? My neighbor died of cancer this summer. She was my friend. I prayed for her and believed for her healing, but God said no. I don't understand why she had to die. She was only 44. I shared my heart on this at my church group recently by sharing some of my grief blogs after being asked to bring something that would show the others who I am. I wanted to convey my heart for the grieving and suffering and how I have learned to die to my dreams and embrace God's dreams for me instead. That means that I will not get to raise my daughter on this earth or have anymore birth children. It also means that caring for grieving people has become my passion. I believe I was created for it. My whole life I was surrounded by grieving and suffering people and I have always had a deep compassion for them. My best friend lost her father when she was 17 and her mother when she was 23. I walked through the valley with her and somehow knew that I was just supposed to be there and let her cry. I didn't realize this was my path, however, until my daughter died. Now I can see how God has worked in my life to bring me to this place where being drawn to the suffering has purpose for me and I'm trying to figure out how He wants me to use it. To my shock and surprise, I was met with a comment that maybe I didn't really care about grieving people as much as I thought but that maybe I am actually just grieving myself because fall is here and my daughter's birthday is coming. I was basically discredited by my grief instead of being seen as having learned something valuable from my experience. I really believe that I have learned something of great value that most believers will never experience. That God loves us so much that He even grieves with us. What hurts us matters to Him, too. And that it should grieve us when someone we know is grieving, not just to bring over a chicken casserole and our duty is done. The Bible says to "mourn with those who mourn." I am constantly quoting James 1:27 which says, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." My biggest lesson is that true religion is to care for the grieving. After all, what is a widow or an orphan? I don't think that statement excludes grieving parents. I believe it includes them and all that are suffering around us. My sister and I are working together to build a place called, "Hope's Lodge." It make take years, but it is a dream that was born out of our mutual grief so that people would have a safe place to go where they can grieve away from the harsh world and it's demands to return to "normal." I know from my Bible and my experience that God cares passionately about this yet everywhere I turn I see people who are distorting Scripture and making it about getting what they want, achieving their dreams, having the right attitude, etc. (prosperity gospel) instead about loving the people around us with a love that is real and not superficial or self-serving? How can I convey this without sounding bitter or resentful? I am not bitter, I am just tired of Christians who don't get it and won't listen. It is time for the body of Christ to step up and do what we are supposed to do. No wonder the world hates us. We don't have a clue what it is to be like Jesus.

Painting The Baby's Room

We started painting the baby's room this weekend. I wasn't prepared for how hard it would be. The last time I painted it, I was 7 months pregnant with my daughter. That was 3 1/2 years ago. With each stroke, I relived the day that we were preparing it for her. Only this time, there was no baby growing in my tummy ... and it hurt! I had to remind myself that a baby IS coming and this will be HER room! I can't wait to get it done so I never have to do it again. I made sure all of the old paint is covered up so I wouldn't feel that pain each time I see it. I even painted the inside of the wall outlets and over all the old mistakes so that none of the old paint would show. I don't want it to be a painful reminder of what has been lost, but of the joy that is to come. I'm trying to motivate myself to finish it today so that it's done, but I'm having a hard time going back in there. Was it this hard for you? I think I will finally feel joyful that this will be Hope's room, but I wasn't expecting the process to hurt so much ... I'm sad that it's not Abby's room anymore and that we will never call it that again. Guess it's just part of the grief and another milestone for me instead of her ...

More

I thought about posting this as my facebook status today:

You can write whatever you want and I don't have to like it. You can invite whomever you want and I don't have to like it. But is that love?

Well, I can tell whomever I want, and you don't have to like it. I can be hurt and angry and you don't have to like it. But that's not love. So I am trying to forgive.

Things had been going well between myself and Chad's family for awhile after my miscarriage. I decided to reconcile with Nicole because I felt cornered in and there was no way out. They gave me no choice because it was clear that she was family and I was not.

Jealousy

My husband was a youth pastor for many years and we had a friend who we did youth ministry with whose brand new baby has heart problems and has to have open heart surgery. She is a week old and fighting for her life and I find myself feeling jealous. I am jealous that their baby girl gets to fight for her life while mine never got that chance. If only she had been born alive, we would have had those precious moments together and the chance to pray and hope for her recovery. We were given no warning, so there was nothing to pray for except the impossible - that God would somehow miraculously bring her back to life. I sometimes feel like the fact she was "stillborn" invalidates my grief, or at least people use it to invalidate me. She was ready to be here and we were ready to have her. Alive or not, I gave birth, held her, kissed her and loved her. I'll never forget the friend who responded, "Oh, she never took a breath? I didn't know that." As if somehow that made it less hard, less painful or less real that she was here. I find myself needing to prove that she was alive, a person. There is really no reason for this post except that my feelings for our friend's baby took me by surprise. I do care and want his baby to live. But his family is probably going to have this "deep experience" and think that they have been through the worst, yet I know they have not. I really do hope this is the worst that they will ever experience, but part of me is so jealous that they get to have it. I feel cheated.

I didn't have anywhere to take these feelings, so I've brought them here. I love that MISS exists, that you get it and that I have a place to go, even years later, when my grief is triggered and I feel as raw as I did in the beginning. Thank you for listening ...

Mother's Day

Wishing a gentle Mother's Day to all of the grieving moms without their children today. Remembering all of our angels today and always ...

MOTHER’S DAY
Another Mother’s Day!
But a different one this year.
For you see, I am a mother,
but my child isn’t here.
I am a mother who is hurting
for this child who was so dear,
as I face this and other occasions,
each and every year.
I am a mother who feels an emptiness
over and over again,
because I miss THIS child
and all that could have been.
I am a mother who cared
as I watched my child grow,
and truly loved him (her) more
than anyone will ever know.
I am a mother who has memories
and many tears to cry
over regrets I’ll have to live with
until the day I die.
I am a mother who is thankful
for the miracle of birth,
and all my child has taught me
about life and my own self-worth.
I just can’t stop being a mother
just because my child isn’t here,
because the love we had for each other
will continue throughout the years.
And so on this special “Mother’s” Day,
I will feel pride, love and joy
which are the parts that make me: who I am,
and what I’ll always be -
**A MOTHER**
just remember that - please?

By Judy A .
(Borrowed from HOPE LINE, a newsletter published by HOPE FOR BEREAVED, Syracuse, NY)