Thanking God for the Thorns

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I wanted so much to post something "inspiring" that expresses the mixed feelings in my heart. I couldn't think of anything, but was inspired by something my brother-in-law sent me, so I've posted part of it below.

I am sad for what would have been yet thankful for what is. This month has been such a rollercoaster of emotion, just as I suspected it would be, but every wave of grief and joy have surprised me. They seem to be completely intertwined right now. I never know what to expect from myself from day to day, or hour to hour for that matter. November has been the strangest season of my grief thus far. November. It will always be Abby's month. The next few days were our last with her. It's hard to believe a year ago at this time, we were excitedly completing the final preprations to welcome our little girl into the world, completely oblivious that everything was about to come to a screeching halt. It's been a long year.

One year. There has been much joy and much sadness in our lives in the last 12 months. Benjamin has definately been the joy. I can't imagine what life would be like without him right now, how much sadder we would be. He is at the top of my "thankful" list this year (second only to Chad). I am so thankful for that little boy! I have been homeschooling him since August and today we talked about Fall, the letter "F", made a turkey puppet and talked about Thanksgiving and what it means to be thankful. Afterwards, we made his "thankful" list and he told me what to write (in this order): Jesus, pictures, Nik (his cousin), G.G. (great-grandma), Mommy, Papa, Daddy, ambulances, turkey, owls, Nana Linda, cars, fire trucks, and later he added, pickup trucks, lol. We went outside to find the prettiest fall leaf in our yard and glued it to the list and it is hanging in his bedroom right now as he sleeps. What joy he brings!

When I think of the mommies I know who have experienced the devastating loss of their first child and are now facing the holidays childless, my heart breaks doubly for them. And it gives me reason to be thankful because I have a beautiful little boy sleeping in the next room, whom I was told by an arrogant doctor 10 years ago would never exist! And I have a beautiful little girl in Heaven waiting for me that I get to look forward to spending eternity with! And future children that have not yet been conceived that God is just waiting for the right time to bring into our lives. The pain is bittersweet, because I already know how the story ends. I just don't know what will happen in the middle and I have to wait to find out.

As much as I hate to admit it, I am thankful for this year and all that it has taught me. Even in the intensity of my own suffering, I have seen God bringing beauty from ashes. Sometimes I was blinded by my pain and could not see his hand at work in my life. Other times it was so obvious that it overwhelmed me. At all times, whether I felt it or not, I knew he was there. I know that he still is. I am thankful that he is who he says he is regardless of how I feel. And that I know how to love someone who is suffering, even though I had to suffer myself in order to find out. I am thankful for the compassion he has given me for people in grief, particularly those who have experienced the loss of a child. I know how to love someone who is grieving. And I know how to grieve. Someday God will use that.

I have often questioned whether I should have been so open with my grief or if I have sounded like I am having a faith crisis. The low days are so low and sometimes it's hard to put into words what I am really feeling. I have been frustrated at times and expressed that deep frustration in my blogs. I have been touched and elated at others and have expressed that, too. Ultimately, my faith is still in tact and, in fact, growing more than ever. But I feel a deep need for people to see the real me, the human being suffering beneath the surface. A real person who loves a real God and is struggling to make sense of it all. I think people need that and appreciate that in the midst of such a superficial world. I have learned what is important and what doesn't matter. People will always have their opinions, but God's opinion is the only one that truly matters. He knows my heart. I am truly thankful for that!

My "witness" depended on me before. I knew (in my head) that it didn't, but I didn't realize how I was always "trying" so hard to say or do just the right thing. It's actually quite funny ... whenever we try to inspire others, we are usually not very inspiring. But when we're not trying, then we can be quite an inspiration. It is the only time God can really use us! Now more than ever I see myself for what I really am ... wretched and utterly unlovable ... that is, without Jesus. I have faced the hideousness of myself through the ugliness of grief. It brings the darkest of all human emotions to the surface. It pushes away and pulls back all at once. Grief must depend on God because otherwise it would destroy the soul. Without God, grief consumes.

So now I'm looking at the thorns. As I look back over the past year, I see more thorns than roses. But you can't have any roses without thorns!! As I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, my brother-in-law sent me an amazing story today about thorny rose stems and it really hit home for me. You'll see why. It amazes me how true it is. There is beauty in the pain we've endured this year and it has given us reason to be thankful. Let me share a part of the story with you ...

"I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for the good things in my life and I never questioned Him why those good things happened to me, but when the bad stuff hit, I cried out, 'Why? Why me?!' It took time for me to learn that the dark times are important to our faith! I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of my life, but it took the thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort! You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about what her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."

Just then someone else walked in the shop.

"Hey, Phil!" the clerk greeted the balding, rotund man.

"My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement . . . twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind telling me why she wants a bouquet that looks like that?"

"Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced," Phil replied. "After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we trudged through problem after problem, the Lord rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she had learned from "thorny" times. That was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks for what that problem taught us."

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!" and left.

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life" Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too . . . fresh."

"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that the thorns make the roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember that it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra 's cheeks. For the first time since her baby died, she loosened her grip on her resentment.

"I'll take those twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."

Thanking God for the thorns ...

Emily

PS - Here is my "thankful" list for 2007 ... or, should I say, my "roses" among the thorns ...

Chad, my partner in life and the person who loves me no matter how awful I am
Benjamin, a bright light on a rainy day and the joy of my heart
My family, who has given me all the grace and space I need, but lovingingly encouraged me along the way
My church family who has comforted me and allowed me to express my grief openly in front of them
The women in my Bible study who have prayed and cried and laughed with me week after week
The friends who have actually stood by me without expectations
Nancy Guthrie, for writing the book that saved my life and taught me how to grieve
The new friends I've made on this journey who also wear these awful shoes
Chelsea, my new friend and kindred spirit who gave me a place to let it all hang out while trying to figure out what God was doing
Cindy Robertson, my counselor and friend, who affirmed me when I was hurting and helped me see through my grief so I would know the "right thing" to do
My sister, Amy, one of the few people who really "gets" me and loves me anyway
My neighbor, Jennifer, who knew just what to say and when to say it
Gina, my other sister, who has cried with me and tried so hard to understand
My brother, Erik, for always calling and "checking in"
The generous people who gave us money when we were faced with huge medical bills, funeral expenses and, now, infertility
John Janis, George Martin, Lonny, Ken, Skip and all of the amazing men at Teen Challenge who have given Chad a soft place to land
Our trip to Florida in June, which refreshed our spirits and gave us time just to be together
Our trip to Great Wolf Lodge in July, which gave me a chance to reconnect, cry and share hearts with Gina
Betsy & Vic, for letting us stay in their home for our 10th wedding anniversary
Our trip to Toledo to stay with our new and dear friends, Ty & Chelsea
Our trip to the Smoky Mountains over Labor Day weekend and the renewal of our wedding vows
The movie, "Click" for reminding me not to fast forward this season of my life
Carefree days when I get to "forget" for awhile and actually feel like the old me again
The tulips I planted in the fall while still pregnant with Abby, an annual reminder of my flower blooming in Heaven
The look on Benjamin's face when he sees Christmas lights, fire trucks, a man working construction, or anything else that strikes his fancy
The deer that come to our feeder in the morning and bless us with their presence
That Benjamin still remembers his sister and asks to see her pictures and kisses them when he does
People who visit Abby's website and keep her memory alive
All of the wonderful moments we got to enjoy with Benjamin this year and the privilege of raising him and watching him grow up
That he is still little and there is still time
The hope that I have in Jesus that I will see my daughter again
Heaven ...

Overwhelmed

I am just overwhelmed with sadness again. I am trying so hard to submit my will and trust God with everything, but I am so, so sad again tonight. I just don't know what to do with all this sadness. And I am so frustrated that I can't talk about it. That the only way I can even try to share my pain with those around me is to write. I wish everyone knew how hard this is, but that would mean everyone would lose a child, which I wish on no one. I don't know what to do with my broken heart. I know I need to submit all these feelings to the Lord. I know I need to submit my will to him. I think I have because, honestly, what other choice do I have? I just wonder if I'll be this sad for the rest of my life! I don't want to feel like this anymore. My nephew, Nik, is spending the night tonight. He is sleeping in Abby's room. I asked him to put something in "the room where he is sleeping" and he said, "Abby's room?" I was so happy that he recognized that it is her room. Later, when we were putting Benjamin and Nik to bed, he saw her picture and exclaimed, "Baby Abby!" and ran over to see it. Oh, that blessed me. I was so happy that he remembered her! Later, though, he said, "she's in the cemetery." And I said, "No, she is in Heaven! Her body is in the cemetery, but she lives with Jesus! Grandpa Werner is holding her until we can go there someday!" He looked so confused, like Benjamin often does. How do you explain to a 3 and 4 year old that even though someone is buried in a cemetery, they live in Heaven? It broke my heart. I don't think people realize that, while I can get through many conversations, my heart is usually breaking inside. I long for someone to ask how I'm doing ... how I'm really doing, and mean it. I am constantly thinking about and reminded of Abby's absence in our lives. How Benjamin is growing up without her. How he is outgrowing all of his toys and his baby things are collecting dust in our basement, waiting to be used by some future child who has yet to be conceived. How we anguish month after month when I find out yet again that I am not pregnant and wonder if I will ever be! How every time I see a child her age in a store, on TV or in a magazine, my heart breaks. How even looking at Benjamin's baby pictures can make me sad. How I silently cry when no one, often even Chad, is looking because I don't want anyone to really see my pain. I want to be "normal," I want to be "happy," I want to be "better" but I don't know how or when I ever will. I just know that there is this HUGE hole in my heart and nothing I do seems to help.

Submission

I read this tonight from a book I have come to cherish in the last 11 1/2 months. The first time I read it was about two weeks after Abby died and I read it cover to cover in one night. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't read books in one month, let alone one night!! It has been my own personal grief manual and I have quoted different parts of it over and over to hundreds of people (yes, it's that good!). This excerpt is from one of the last chapters in the book. It really spoke to me today after last night's meltdown ...

I knew God was calling me to submit to the journey we were facing with Hope--not to fight it or to cry out to him to change it, but to submit to his plan and purpose.

For me, submission has meant a quiet, though sorrowful, acceptance of God's plan and God's timing. It has meant giving up the plans I had for my daughter, for my family, for my life, and bringing them all under submission to God.

I wish it had been a onetime decision, a onetime sacrifice. But throughout Hope's life, as her condition slowly deteriorated, in the days of grief that have followed her death, and as we've walked through nine months of this new pregnancy, the call to submission hasn't stopped, and it hasn't grown easier. Every day, as I let go of my dreams and my desires, as I see little girls the age Hope would have been bringing a smile to the faces of their moms and dads, as I plan for another child who will only be with us for a short time, I'm once again called upon to submit. Some days I do better than others.

But because I believe God's plans for me are better than what I could plan for myself, rather than run away from the path he has set before me, I want to run toward it. I don't want to try to change God's mind--his thoughts are perfect. I want to think his thoughts. I don't want to change God's timing--his timing is perfect. I want the grace to accept his timing. I don't want to change God's plan--his plan is perfect. I want to embrace his plan and see how he is glorified through it. I want to submit.

We often hear people talk about the "victorious Christian life." But isn't the life of a Christian really more about bending the knee, humbling ourselves, and taking up a cross? Jesus said it is.

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." ~ Matthew 16:24-25

I don't know what the cross will look like for you. I just know it will require a death to your desires and your dreams to carry it. And I know it won't be easy. But I also know that as you die to yourself, God's life will take root and grow within you. And as you die to your dreams, his dreams can flourish.

Submission to God's sovereignty means bowing the knee whether or not we understand, whether or not we have it figured out, whether or not we agree. In that submission, we find the strength and grace to keep going. And we can even find joy in the journey.

(From "Holding on to Hope" by Nancy Guthrie, 2006)

So, my prayer tonight is that, rather than anguishing day after day over what is lost and what would have been, God would bring me to a place of acceptance and submission to the life he has given me. That he would help me let go of the dream I once had for my life, which included a son and a daughter who would have only been 2 1/2 years apart, and come to embrace his dream for me and for us ... "a quiet, though sorrowful, acceptance of God's plan and God's timing."

Awhile back I wrote a blog called, "The Journey to Acceptance" about losing the "old me," but not arriving at the "new me" yet, either. I am still somewhere in between, but I am starting to realize that this is the destination of the journey and what will ultimately will bring me to acceptance: submitting to God's plan and letting go of mine. It's time for my face to hit the floor again ...

Two Weeks And Two Days

I can't hold the tears back tonight. I can't believe in just two weeks and two days my sweet girl would be celebrating her first birthday ... and she's not here. I will never see her smile, never hear her laugh, never hold her hand as she learns to walk, never watch her play with her big brother, never hear her first word, it just goes on and on. I am so completely heartbroken that I can't even put it into words. My heart just aches for her, to hold her, to stroke her hair, to feel the warmth of her skin. It just feels like the reality that she is gone and will never again be a part of our lives has hit me all over again. Like a dagger in my heart. I don't know when I will stop missing her, if ever. There are always reminders of her all around me. Every day I think of what we would be doing if she were here; how different our lives would be right now. How that missing place would be filled simply by her presence. It just seems so empty without her. So ... wrong. Why aren't there words to express how I am feeling? They just don't seem to exist. It just hurts, physically. My arms ache for her. My heart aches for her. My head just can't reconcile the fact that she is dead. Just two weeks and two days. That's all I had left when I wrote my last blog before she was born. All that excitement and anticipation was met with such heartbreak and disappointment and devastation. All of the things I was thinking and feeling this time last year keep coming to the surface. That and the big hole that will always be in our family as long as she is not here. How can it be that I have to live my entire life before I can see her again? Before I can hold her? How can it be that my little boy is growing up and will never know his sister? And that he probably won't remember her either? How can it be that a year has passed already? When my life has stood still for so long and everybody else has moved on? How can it be that my heart is still so broken after all this time? And it feels like it will be for a long time to come. The tears just won't stop falling tonight. I miss her so much. So very, very much. I am so brokenhearted.

Perspective

If you read my last blog then you know that I am feeling really frustrated right now. Particularly because every obstacle we have faced in the last 11 months has not only been out of our control, but been beyond our ability to overcome. Only God can overcome them! And for some reason he is choosing not to? In 11 months, I have had my daughter die unexpectedly while giving birth, my cat die after weeks of unsuccessful treatment for the sudden onset of an unknown disease, chronic pain for three months following the birth of my daughter before it was discovered that a mistake had been made when stitching me back together after delivery, corrective surgery for the mistake followed by another 6 week recovery, our retaining wall caved in around our driveway which cost us thousands of dollars to fix, huge medical bills we can't pay, lost three of my closest friends, endured an investigation of our daughter's death, taken legal action to get reimbursement for our medical expenses for the corrective surgery, been denied (and out $200) for the refinancing of our home to try to consolidate our debt, dealt with an "expert" doctor who won't form an opinion on our case, waited while doctors and hospitals conceal and withhold records that are ours, worked with slow unresponsive lawyers, endured the inability to get pregnant again, found out I have hypothyroidism, started infertility treatments which are not covered by insurance and on and on ... and all this while grieving the loss of our daughter and every special moment she is not here to celebrate with our family. So much is out of control that it makes my head spin just to think about it. We have prayed and fasted until we hurt and every move we have made to overcome has failed. Every prayer has been unanswered. Every obstacle remains in place. It is as if there is something blocking everything we do. So all we have left to do is to cry out for God to come to our rescue! We are completely and totally at his mercy!!! Which, I believe, is actually right where he wants us. He wants us to be totally dependent on him. And he wants us to recognize that he doesn't always work in the ways we want him to, but in ways that do benefit us. What I failed to recognize is that He has given us so many people who love us and have stood by us in every way possible and that through them, he has shown us immeasurable love. He has also provided for us financially, given us comfort and peace in times of great turmoil, stretched our faith further than we ever imagined it could go, given us dreams and visions and encouraged us prophetically through his word and the word of his prophets, provided us with ministry opportunities that we never would have had if we had not had to walk the treacherous terrain of grief, allowed us the privilege of walking with others who grieve to be an encouragement to them and point them to Jesus, developed unbelievable perserverance in us, strengthened our marriage, including the renewal of our vows, and allowed us to reprioritize our lives to be more focused on him and each other than ever before. He has shown us how to completely let go of control because at the end of the day, we really have none. He has shown us that, despite our circumstances, we can praise him and trust him. That he is good and just and that we don't need all the answers. That we are nothing without him and have nothing without him. He is all that I have and all that I need. He is everything. I am hopeful that he will hear my cry for mercy and not tarry. He knows my heart's desire. But he also knows what is best for me and if and when to give me what I'm asking for. So for now, I will ask and pray that he gives it, but if he doesn't, I will still praise his name because I know that he is who he says he is. And that, my friends, is the only thing I can count on.

I Can't Wait

I can't wait until this season is finally behind me. I wish I could fast forward, but I know that would mean missing so much of the good that is still my life. Not that life isn't good, but I'm ready for the trials to end. I'm ready to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm ready to see God's hand moving the mountains in my way. I'm ready for the freedom that comes from knowing something for certain. I am not naive enough to think that more trials won't come; I just want THIS trial to be over. I'm tired of the heaviness. I'm tired of the sadness. I'm tired of feeling like the goodness of the Lord is so far out of reach, when I know it's not. I know I will still see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living, but I'd like to see it sooner than later. Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Well, I am longing for this season to end and the more it is deferred, the "sicker" my heart feels. I am heartsick for a good season to come, but I am reminded to be "patient in affliction" (Romans 12:12). Lord, I am trying to be patient! I want to be patient! It has almost been a year ... please, please hear the cry of my heart and do not tarry ....

"Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer." (Psalm 4:1).

"Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to YOU I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." (Psalm 5:1-3).

"Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint ..." (Psalm 6:2)

"Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?" (Psalm 10:1)

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" (Psalm 13:1-2)

"Hear, O Lord, my righteous plea; listen to my cry. Give ear to my prayer--it does not rise from deceitful lips. May my vindication come from you; may your eyes see what is right." (Psalm 17:1-2)

"My steps have held to your paths; my feet have not slipped. I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer. Show the wonder of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you ..." (Psalm 17:5-7)

"O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night and am not silent." (Psalm 22:2)

"Remember, O Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old." (Psalm 25:6)

"Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your LOVE, remember me, for you are good, O Lord." (Psalm 25:7)

"My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only He will release my feet from the snare. Turn and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins." (Psalm 25:15-18)

"Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me." (Psalm 27:7)

"To you I call, O Lord, my Rock; do not turn a deaf ear to me. For if you remain silent, I will be like those who have gone down to the pit. Hear my cry for mercy as I call to you for help, as I lift my hands toward your Most Holy Place." (Psalm 28:1-2)

"Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief." (Psalm 31:9)

"All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes. My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds; my neighbors stay far away." (Psalm 38:9-11).

"I wait for you, O Lord; you will answer, O Lord my God." (Psalm 38:15)

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Saviour and my God." (Psalm 42:11)

"You are God my stronghold. Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy? Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell." (Psalm 43:2-3)

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions." (Psalm 51:1)

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." (Psalm 51:12)

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." (Psalm 51:17)

"Hear my prayer, O God; listen to the words of my mouth." (Psalm 54:2)

"Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught." (Psalm 55:1-2)

"Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll--are they not in your record?" (Psalm 56:8)

"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed." (Psalm 57:1)

"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." (Psalm 61:1-2)

"I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God." (Psalm 69:3)

"Answer me, O Lord, out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me." (Psalm 69:16)

"I am in pain and distress; may your salvation, O God, protect me." (Psalm 69:29)

"Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me." (Psalm 71:12)

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

"I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint." (Psalm 77:1-3)

"O God, do not keep silent; be not quiet, O God, be not still ..." (Psalm 83:1)

"Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul." (Psalm 86:3-4)

"Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my cry for mercy." (Psalm 86:6)

"O LORD, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you. May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry." (Psalm 88:1-2)

"You have taken from me my closest friends and have made me repulsive to them. I am confined and cannot escape; my eyes are dim with grief. (Psalm 88:8-9)

"But I cry to you for help, O Lord; in the morning my prayer comes before you. Why, O Lord, do you reject me and hide your face from me?" (Psalm 88:13-14)

"You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend." (Psalm 88:18)

"Hear my prayer, O Lord; let my cry for help come to you. Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly." (Psalm 102:1-2)

"O God, whom I praise, do not remain silent." (Psalm 109:1)

"For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me." (Psalm 109:22)

"Help me, O Lord my God; save me in accordance with your love. Let them know that it is your hand, that you, O Lord, have done it." (Psalm 109:26-27)

"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word." (Psalm 119:28)

"My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." (Psalm 119:50)

"Do good to your servant according to your word, O Lord." (Psalm 119:65)

"May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant." (Psalm 119:76)

"Let your compassion come to me that I may live, for your law is my delight." (Psalm 119:77)

"My eyes fail, looking for your promise; I say, 'When will you comfort me?'" (Psalm 119:82)

"How long must your servant wait?" (Psalm 119:84)

"Turn to me and have mercy on me, as you always do to those who love your name." (Psalm 119:132)

"Though I am lowly and despised, I do not forget your precepts." (Psalm 119:141)

"I call with all my heart; answer me, O Lord, and I will obey your decrees." (Psalm 119:145)

"Look upon my suffering and deliver me, for I have not forgotten your law." (Psalm 119:153)

"May my cry come before you, O Lord; give me understanding according to your word." (Psalm 119:169)

"May my supplication come before you; deliver me according to your promise." (Psalm 119:170)

"Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord; O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy." (Psalm 130:1-2)

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope." (Psalm 130:5)

"My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning." (Psalm 130:6)

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts." (Psalm 139:23)

"O Lord, I say to you, "You are my God." Hear, O Lord, my cry for mercy." (Psalm 140:6)

"O Lord, I call to you; come quickly to me. Hear my voice when I call to you. May my prayer be set before you like incense; may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice." (Psalm 141:1-2)

"I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy." (Psalm 142:1)

"I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way." (Psalm 142:2-3)

"I cry to you, O Lord; I say, 'You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.' Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need ..." (Psalm 142:5-6)

"O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief." (Psalm 143:1)

"So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed." (Psalm 143:4)

"Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit." (Psalm 143:7)

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." (Psalm 143:8)

I Have Hope

PS 40:1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
PS 40:2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit;
out of the mud and mire,
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
PS 40:3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.