Two Weeks And Two Days

I can't hold the tears back tonight. I can't believe in just two weeks and two days my sweet girl would be celebrating her first birthday ... and she's not here. I will never see her smile, never hear her laugh, never hold her hand as she learns to walk, never watch her play with her big brother, never hear her first word, it just goes on and on. I am so completely heartbroken that I can't even put it into words. My heart just aches for her, to hold her, to stroke her hair, to feel the warmth of her skin. It just feels like the reality that she is gone and will never again be a part of our lives has hit me all over again. Like a dagger in my heart. I don't know when I will stop missing her, if ever. There are always reminders of her all around me. Every day I think of what we would be doing if she were here; how different our lives would be right now. How that missing place would be filled simply by her presence. It just seems so empty without her. So ... wrong. Why aren't there words to express how I am feeling? They just don't seem to exist. It just hurts, physically. My arms ache for her. My heart aches for her. My head just can't reconcile the fact that she is dead. Just two weeks and two days. That's all I had left when I wrote my last blog before she was born. All that excitement and anticipation was met with such heartbreak and disappointment and devastation. All of the things I was thinking and feeling this time last year keep coming to the surface. That and the big hole that will always be in our family as long as she is not here. How can it be that I have to live my entire life before I can see her again? Before I can hold her? How can it be that my little boy is growing up and will never know his sister? And that he probably won't remember her either? How can it be that a year has passed already? When my life has stood still for so long and everybody else has moved on? How can it be that my heart is still so broken after all this time? And it feels like it will be for a long time to come. The tears just won't stop falling tonight. I miss her so much. So very, very much. I am so brokenhearted.

Perspective

If you read my last blog then you know that I am feeling really frustrated right now. Particularly because every obstacle we have faced in the last 11 months has not only been out of our control, but been beyond our ability to overcome. Only God can overcome them! And for some reason he is choosing not to? In 11 months, I have had my daughter die unexpectedly while giving birth, my cat die after weeks of unsuccessful treatment for the sudden onset of an unknown disease, chronic pain for three months following the birth of my daughter before it was discovered that a mistake had been made when stitching me back together after delivery, corrective surgery for the mistake followed by another 6 week recovery, our retaining wall caved in around our driveway which cost us thousands of dollars to fix, huge medical bills we can't pay, lost three of my closest friends, endured an investigation of our daughter's death, taken legal action to get reimbursement for our medical expenses for the corrective surgery, been denied (and out $200) for the refinancing of our home to try to consolidate our debt, dealt with an "expert" doctor who won't form an opinion on our case, waited while doctors and hospitals conceal and withhold records that are ours, worked with slow unresponsive lawyers, endured the inability to get pregnant again, found out I have hypothyroidism, started infertility treatments which are not covered by insurance and on and on ... and all this while grieving the loss of our daughter and every special moment she is not here to celebrate with our family. So much is out of control that it makes my head spin just to think about it. We have prayed and fasted until we hurt and every move we have made to overcome has failed. Every prayer has been unanswered. Every obstacle remains in place. It is as if there is something blocking everything we do. So all we have left to do is to cry out for God to come to our rescue! We are completely and totally at his mercy!!! Which, I believe, is actually right where he wants us. He wants us to be totally dependent on him. And he wants us to recognize that he doesn't always work in the ways we want him to, but in ways that do benefit us. What I failed to recognize is that He has given us so many people who love us and have stood by us in every way possible and that through them, he has shown us immeasurable love. He has also provided for us financially, given us comfort and peace in times of great turmoil, stretched our faith further than we ever imagined it could go, given us dreams and visions and encouraged us prophetically through his word and the word of his prophets, provided us with ministry opportunities that we never would have had if we had not had to walk the treacherous terrain of grief, allowed us the privilege of walking with others who grieve to be an encouragement to them and point them to Jesus, developed unbelievable perserverance in us, strengthened our marriage, including the renewal of our vows, and allowed us to reprioritize our lives to be more focused on him and each other than ever before. He has shown us how to completely let go of control because at the end of the day, we really have none. He has shown us that, despite our circumstances, we can praise him and trust him. That he is good and just and that we don't need all the answers. That we are nothing without him and have nothing without him. He is all that I have and all that I need. He is everything. I am hopeful that he will hear my cry for mercy and not tarry. He knows my heart's desire. But he also knows what is best for me and if and when to give me what I'm asking for. So for now, I will ask and pray that he gives it, but if he doesn't, I will still praise his name because I know that he is who he says he is. And that, my friends, is the only thing I can count on.

I Can't Wait

I can't wait until this season is finally behind me. I wish I could fast forward, but I know that would mean missing so much of the good that is still my life. Not that life isn't good, but I'm ready for the trials to end. I'm ready to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm ready to see God's hand moving the mountains in my way. I'm ready for the freedom that comes from knowing something for certain. I am not naive enough to think that more trials won't come; I just want THIS trial to be over. I'm tired of the heaviness. I'm tired of the sadness. I'm tired of feeling like the goodness of the Lord is so far out of reach, when I know it's not. I know I will still see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living, but I'd like to see it sooner than later. Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Well, I am longing for this season to end and the more it is deferred, the "sicker" my heart feels. I am heartsick for a good season to come, but I am reminded to be "patient in affliction" (Romans 12:12). Lord, I am trying to be patient! I want to be patient! It has almost been a year ... please, please hear the cry of my heart and do not tarry ....

"Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer." (Psalm 4:1).

"Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to YOU I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." (Psalm 5:1-3).

"Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint ..." (Psalm 6:2)

"Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?" (Psalm 10:1)

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" (Psalm 13:1-2)

"Hear, O Lord, my righteous plea; listen to my cry. Give ear to my prayer--it does not rise from deceitful lips. May my vindication come from you; may your eyes see what is right." (Psalm 17:1-2)

"My steps have held to your paths; my feet have not slipped. I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer. Show the wonder of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you ..." (Psalm 17:5-7)

"O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night and am not silent." (Psalm 22:2)

"Remember, O Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old." (Psalm 25:6)

"Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your LOVE, remember me, for you are good, O Lord." (Psalm 25:7)

"My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only He will release my feet from the snare. Turn and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins." (Psalm 25:15-18)

"Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me." (Psalm 27:7)

"To you I call, O Lord, my Rock; do not turn a deaf ear to me. For if you remain silent, I will be like those who have gone down to the pit. Hear my cry for mercy as I call to you for help, as I lift my hands toward your Most Holy Place." (Psalm 28:1-2)

"Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief." (Psalm 31:9)

"All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes. My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds; my neighbors stay far away." (Psalm 38:9-11).

"I wait for you, O Lord; you will answer, O Lord my God." (Psalm 38:15)

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Saviour and my God." (Psalm 42:11)

"You are God my stronghold. Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy? Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell." (Psalm 43:2-3)

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions." (Psalm 51:1)

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." (Psalm 51:12)

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." (Psalm 51:17)

"Hear my prayer, O God; listen to the words of my mouth." (Psalm 54:2)

"Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught." (Psalm 55:1-2)

"Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll--are they not in your record?" (Psalm 56:8)

"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed." (Psalm 57:1)

"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." (Psalm 61:1-2)

"I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God." (Psalm 69:3)

"Answer me, O Lord, out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me." (Psalm 69:16)

"I am in pain and distress; may your salvation, O God, protect me." (Psalm 69:29)

"Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me." (Psalm 71:12)

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

"I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint." (Psalm 77:1-3)

"O God, do not keep silent; be not quiet, O God, be not still ..." (Psalm 83:1)

"Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul." (Psalm 86:3-4)

"Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my cry for mercy." (Psalm 86:6)

"O LORD, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you. May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry." (Psalm 88:1-2)

"You have taken from me my closest friends and have made me repulsive to them. I am confined and cannot escape; my eyes are dim with grief. (Psalm 88:8-9)

"But I cry to you for help, O Lord; in the morning my prayer comes before you. Why, O Lord, do you reject me and hide your face from me?" (Psalm 88:13-14)

"You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend." (Psalm 88:18)

"Hear my prayer, O Lord; let my cry for help come to you. Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly." (Psalm 102:1-2)

"O God, whom I praise, do not remain silent." (Psalm 109:1)

"For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me." (Psalm 109:22)

"Help me, O Lord my God; save me in accordance with your love. Let them know that it is your hand, that you, O Lord, have done it." (Psalm 109:26-27)

"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word." (Psalm 119:28)

"My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." (Psalm 119:50)

"Do good to your servant according to your word, O Lord." (Psalm 119:65)

"May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant." (Psalm 119:76)

"Let your compassion come to me that I may live, for your law is my delight." (Psalm 119:77)

"My eyes fail, looking for your promise; I say, 'When will you comfort me?'" (Psalm 119:82)

"How long must your servant wait?" (Psalm 119:84)

"Turn to me and have mercy on me, as you always do to those who love your name." (Psalm 119:132)

"Though I am lowly and despised, I do not forget your precepts." (Psalm 119:141)

"I call with all my heart; answer me, O Lord, and I will obey your decrees." (Psalm 119:145)

"Look upon my suffering and deliver me, for I have not forgotten your law." (Psalm 119:153)

"May my cry come before you, O Lord; give me understanding according to your word." (Psalm 119:169)

"May my supplication come before you; deliver me according to your promise." (Psalm 119:170)

"Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord; O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy." (Psalm 130:1-2)

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope." (Psalm 130:5)

"My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning." (Psalm 130:6)

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts." (Psalm 139:23)

"O Lord, I say to you, "You are my God." Hear, O Lord, my cry for mercy." (Psalm 140:6)

"O Lord, I call to you; come quickly to me. Hear my voice when I call to you. May my prayer be set before you like incense; may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice." (Psalm 141:1-2)

"I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy." (Psalm 142:1)

"I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way." (Psalm 142:2-3)

"I cry to you, O Lord; I say, 'You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.' Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need ..." (Psalm 142:5-6)

"O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief." (Psalm 143:1)

"So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed." (Psalm 143:4)

"Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit." (Psalm 143:7)

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." (Psalm 143:8)

I Have Hope

PS 40:1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
PS 40:2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit;
out of the mud and mire,
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
PS 40:3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

"I Do" ... Again!

We went to Gatlinburg over Labor Day weekend this year and stayed in the log cabin where we got engaged almost 11 years ago when dh was a youth pastor (we were there with our youth group on a weekend retreat and weren't even dating at the time -- lonnnnng story!!!). Anyway, as we were driving to the cabin, we passed a little chapel called "The Chapel in the Glen" and my very romantic husband said that he wanted to get our wedding vows renewed while we were there (we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary in July). I was very surprised because he is not usually the spontaneous type. But he felt that it would be a great opportunity to give our marriage a fresh start after everything we've been through this last year and declare a new season in our life together. So I agreed that I would marry him ... AGAIN!!! We hadn't packed any dress clothes, so I found a cute little white sundress and zirconia earrings at a boutique in downtown Gatlinburg and found white dress shirts for him and Benjamin at the outlet mall in nearby Pigeon Forge. We all wore sandals. Mine were white flip flops with little beads on them. I even had to buy make-up because I didn't pack any!! Chad and Benjamin both wore shorts with their white shirts and sandals. It was so sweet. We both cried all the way through the ceremony and Benjamin stood between us grinning from ear to ear. Then he asked us if we were sad, lol! We said, "No buddy, these are happy tears!" It was so sweet. To top it off, the woman who arranged the ceremony and the pastor who peformed it lost their first child, a girl, at five days old in 1979. I found out when she asked us how many children we have. Of course, I included Abby and ended up telling her about what happened. That's when she shared about her daughter, Anna. I immediately felt so connected to her. We cried and hugged and she gave me hope that time does heal and that even though there will always be that missing place in our family, we will find happiness again. I can't tell you how wonderful it was to marry that man all over again. I don't know what I'd do without him!!!

Bring The Rain

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through

The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind

To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray ...

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of
The clouds that may loom above
Because you are much greater than my pain

You who made a way for me
Suffering your destiny
So tell me, whats a little rain

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God almighty
Is the Lord God almighty

Jealous For Heaven

My husband's grandmother just celebrated her 91st birthday this week. Last night we went out to dinner with her and the extended family. As I sat next to her and her 95 year old best friend, I found myself feeling jealous!? I was jealous that they are at the end of their lives and very close to going to heaven ... that they know where they are going and all they have left to do is look forward to eternity. I am only 36 and have my whole life still ahead of me without my daughter. I know life is a blink in the light of eternity, but I can't help but feel that there will always be this empty hole in my heart where my daughter should be. I have peace in knowing she is with Jesus, but I still miss her every day and wish she was here, growing up with my son and living with us. I long for heaven (not in a suicidal way, just in a "want to get through this life and get there way," kwim?). I don't know what our future holds ... if or when we will have more children (we have been trying for six months and have a history of infertility) ... and it feels like it's never going to happen. I believe it will, but I am just feeling weary and ready for hope to show it's face ... it's been almost 9 months since I've held my daughter and I like to think that I am 9 months closer to holding her again. So I guess I'm just a little jealous of the old people who are closer to that reality than I am, as weird as that may sound!!!