Confessions

What would I be without you? You love me when I'm on the mountain top and when I'm in the pit. When I cannot lift my eyes, you are there. When I cannot hold my tongue, you are there. When I cannot find my way, you are there. When I have no prayer, you are there ... you are always there. You are my anchor, my hope, my life ...

You are my best friend. I don't deserve you. I can't believe you haven't left me. I don't deserve you. In all these years, I cannot imagine being with anyone else. You have loved me when I am wretched and unlovable. Did I say that I don't deserve you? You have seen the ugliest places in my soul and yet you love me. You have watched me come unglued. You have walked through the darkest places in my heart with me. I have never met anyone like you or felt love that was so unconditional. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you with all my heart. Always.

You are the only friend I have ever had in my life that has let me be myself, 100% the real deal, the good, the bad and the ugly, all of it. I have never had reason for erecting a wall or shutting you out. You are the one safest person in my life. No expectations, no confrontations, just love. I am so glad you came back. I don't know how I made it through all those years without you. I know you missed me, but I am convinced that I missed you more. And I'll stand by you, too ...

Where are you? I am heartbroken that you have been gone all this time. Why did you go? It is the hour of my need and yet you are gone? What did I do? I was there when your dad died, when your mom died, when your mom's best friend died, at the courthouse on the day of your divorce, and yet you abandoned me when I needed you most. Why? I don't understand.

I can't believe how you have changed. I am amazed! I hope it is for real and doesn't go away. But I'm not letting myself get too close because it could go back to the way it was at any minute. I have longed for you to be the person I have always needed. Slowly I see that person emerging, but I'm not sure if I can trust you yet. I have needed you so much. And for so long. My heart has been aching for your love. It feels so good to finally have it. And slowly I'm learning to trust you again. If I should ...

I wish you could let your guard down and be real with me. You don't always have to be a spiritual example. You know I look up to you you and always have. But for once it would be nice if you were just my friend. I wish you could just say how you really feel. I don't need to hear anything but your heart. I need your heart so much right now, yet you withhold it from me. You know how much I love you, there is no reason to be afraid. Please let your heart hang out with me. You are safe here.

Thank you for understanding. Thank you for no expectations. Thank you for grace. Thank you for proving that things are different now. And for asking. And for saying you're sorry. And for loving us through this.

You would think I would know what to say to you, but I don't. I don't know how to comfort you. I don't know if it's even possible. But I do know that I love you and I'm here for you, that I cry with you, that I hurt with you, that I wish I could take it all away and make it better. How I wish I could make it all better ... but I'm thankful we have eachother.

Thank you for waiting. Please wait. It's going to take time. I need time.

I feel your pain, that aching in your heart, that longing to know ... I wish I could take it away. I want you to know that I know where he is, even if you don't. I know because that is where she is, too. I pray that you will one day be able to believe that and you will find peace. I know how much you need to know ...

You are doing the right thing. Never forget that. You have done everything you can and now it's time to step back. You are doing the right thing! Don't let them trick you into thinking you are the bad guy. You are not the bad guy! I am so glad you are back in my life.

I am so glad I met you. You give everything meaning. You give everything purpose. You are the reason I can go on. You give me hope. Please don't stop!

I am so thankful for you. You make me laugh. You make me cry. You give me hope. Thank you for helping me feel normal when I feel like I'm just going crazy! Thanks for letting me talk about things that would otherwise make me blush!!! Thank you for being real.

It has been a long 11 years. I have longed and waited for this moment. I can see it's going to take time, but it's happening right before my eyes! I grieved our friendship for so long. A part of my heart was torn out that day. I can't explain it. You were the best friend I have ever had, before or since. I have never been the same since it happened and I know you haven't either. I have never been able to get as close, to trust as much. Thank you for forgiving me. If I had it to do over, I would have done it a lot differently, but it is what it is. I love you so much. I don't think you will ever understand just how much.

I am so proud of you. Look at you! Just look! You are so beautiful ... like a flower in bloom. I am bursting with pride as if you were my own! Each one of you ...

You are the only little girl I've ever had, even though you weren't mine. I was reminded of that after she died. You were my little girl, too. And now you are all grown up. I wish I could spend more time with you. I don't think you know how special you are to me. How much I love and adore you. I want to stay close to you, to be there for you always. Please know that and don't ever be afraid to talk to me. I love you and I will always, always be here for you, no matter what.

I don't think you know me as well as you think you do. That's my fault. I never really trusted you. I never really let my guard down. Only just a little, and then maybe a little more ... but never all the way. I am not who you think I am. I am someone completely different, really. You just never let me show you the real me. You always gave me a reason to question whether I was really safe with you. I hope someday I will feel safe. And I hope someday we can really know each other. This time without walls.

I don't know why I always tear you down. I don't know why I can't just love you the way you are. I don't know why. I wish I wasn't so frustrated all the time. I wish I wouldn't get so angry. I wish I could control my tongue. But it gets away from me and it's too late. But you still love me anyway. Please know how much I love you and I'm sorry. I love you so much.

What I wouldn't give to have one more moment with you. To look into your eyes. To hear you breathe. To touch your skin. To feel your warmth. I wish I could remember. I wish I could change so many things. I wish I could just accept that you are gone. I wish it didn't hurt so much.

I thank God for you. I want to spend every moment with you. I don't want to miss a thing. I wish I could slow down time so it wouldn't go so fast. I am so proud of you. I adore you. I can't imagine life without you. You are my sunshine and you will always be mine.

Thank you. You have given me a gift that I will treasure forever. I have never been good at receiving. So all I can say is thank you. I love you.

That's about all my heart can handle for one night ...

Things I Prayed For

Along the lines of my last blog, I have been thinking about all the good things God has done in my life, in spite of my past or present circumstances. As I look at my life I see a theme of loss and redemption. God has redeemed every "lost" thing in my life and I know He will continue to do so because He always has. He is who He says He is and I can trust him with my life ...

I originally created this five minute slideshow (below) as a personal presentation for a communications class I was taking in college. The assignment was to present my life to my classmates in a creative way. I have since updated the ending, although the rest of the show is exactly as it was when I first made it. I hope you'll take the time to watch it!

The story follows many feelings I had as I was growing up in my broken family, from childhood to adulthood. The lyrics to "Things I Prayed For" by Eli could not have been more fitting. My parents divorced when I was one and my mom, who had custody of me and my older brother and sister, remarried when I was two. My step-dad is the only father I've ever known. The three of us were immediately joined with his three children, but he lost custody and their mother took them away to raise them in Arizona. He was reunited with them after more than 20 years when I was sent on a business trip to Arizona where I found and met them. During my teen years, my step-dad and mom separated for a short time, but got back together again after some counseling and each member of our family began giving our lives to the Lord. In my teens and again in my early twenties, my sister and her family left and we did not see them again for another seven years. We were reunited just before I found out I was pregnant with my first child after six years of infertility.

In this slideshow, I wanted to capture the difficulties of my life as well as my continual hope that I would "be someone" someday in spite of all of the adversity I had experienced. Hind sight is always 20/20 and I can now see how God has worked through the circumstances of my life to create a beautiful story of loss and redemption and that in Him, I have always been "someone."

"Taken separately, the experiences of life can work harm and not good. Taken together, they make a pattern of blessing and strength the like of which the world does not know." ~ V. Raymond Edman

"And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." ~ Romans 8:28

"Be inspired and look for God's handiwork in your life ... it's there ... you just have to look for it." ~ Me

My Top Five

Wow, a good cry does wonders. I guess as long as I cry once a day, I'll be able to let this flood of emotion out, one tear at a time. It has been another rough day, but I cried and somehow I feel better ...

Anyway, I saw my friend A.J. posted her "top five" after I posted mine and I was reminded of all of the "mountain top" experiences in my life. I may be in the valley right now, but God still walks with me ... perhaps he is carrying me because He knows walking has been a challenge lately. I am discovering so much about Him these days ...

So I decided that I wanted to post my "top five" again, but this time in a blog ... so I can look back at those peaks from this valley and know that there are more peaks to come ... I just need to "be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:14). He is good ...

THE FIVE BEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE ...

In last night's episode of "Lost," Charlie made a list of the five best moments of his life and gave it to Desmond to give to Claire (his love interest) because he believed he was going to die. I thought to myself, "Hmm, that's a good idea. What are the five best moments of MY life???" Here are mine ...

1) The day I got baptized. It was 1991 and I had been attending my brother's church. It was the best feeling in the world ...

2) The first time Chad kissed me. It was our wedding day in 1997 and we had just been pronounced husband and wife ... "you may now kiss the bride ..."

3) The day my sister came back into my life after being gone for seven years. It was my Dad's 65th birthday in 2003 and we were having a party for him. I made a slideshow of his life in pictures and just as the slideshow ended with a picture of my dad and the words "to be continued ..." my sister walked in ...

4) The moment I found out I was pregnant with Benjamin after six years of infertility ... one month after my sister's return in 2003 ...

5) The moment I saw each of my children's faces for the first time ... even though one of them is no longer with me, I will treasure those moments forever ...

Feeling Down, Down, Down

Ughhhhh! I wish I could shake this feeling, but my counselor told me not to. She said I need to feel it, the full brunt of it. But I am just so sad I can't stand it. I just miss my baby girl so much. I miss what we would be doing right now. I miss her when I play with Benjamin. I miss her sweet face and sweet smell. I wish I could hold her in my arms and see her laugh and smile and discover the world in bloom all around her! I was soooo looking forward to this summer with my two kids getting to know each other. I miss that we would be doing that right now. We were playing in the back yard and all I could think of is that she should be here with us! She should be in her walker on the deck or jumping in her exersaucer while Ben and I played in the yard. I miss that she would be cooing and laughing in the background. I miss that when I gave him his bath tonight, I should be putting her to bed, too. I miss that he would be watching and helping me take care of her and learning to be a big brother. He would be such a good big brother! I can picture in my mind everything we would be doing together and how crazy and stressed I would be taking care of two kids!! I miss that he would be fighting for my attention now that he would have to share me. I miss that he would be enjoying playing with her instead of always asking me to play with him because he is lonely. I miss all of those sweet baby things that I got to watch him do and should now be watching Abby do, too! I miss her so much it hurts!!!!! I just wish I didn't have to feel it in every nerve ending of my entire being. My arms physically ache to hold her. I hate feeling so sad and frustrated all the time. I just wish she were here. I wish I wish I wish ...

Mother's Day

What Makes a Woman a Mother and a Man a Father?
Mother's Day and Father's Day. What do these days mean? Who do they commemorate? Some would answer, "those who have living children who bring them breakfast in bed and honor them with gifts."What makes a woman a mother and a man a father? Many might respond, "hours of labor for the woman while the man patiently paces the floor to then be rewarded with a screaming bundle of joy that they raise for the next 18 years."While this answer is not wrong or inaccurate, what about the couple who lovingly conceived a much wanted child then miscarried the baby early in pregnancy, suffered a stillbirth, or lost their baby shortly after birth? Has this man and woman earned the title of "parents?" Should they be acknowledged on these two Sundays? Absolutely! However, most of the time they are not. Bereaved parents often feel very isolated on these holidays and privately wish these days would have never been created. I have noticed that despite all the attention given to the mothers by their living children, there are some sensitive people who do recognize the pain someone may be enduring due to the loss of a parent. However, very little recognition, if any at all, is given to bereaved parents on these days. There are many parents who choose to forget these days all together and some who don't ever bother getting out of bed.I challenge and encourage you to celebrate these days with pride! Whether you have any living children or not, you are indeed a parent and deserve to be honored. Make these days special and filled with memories of your baby. Talk with one another about the memories of your pregnancy, take flowers to the cemetery, even give your spouse a gift in honor of the life you created. Above all, rejoice for this is the day that the Lord has made!~ Rebekah Mitchell

A Prayer Against Fear

O Abba...my Father in heaven, what time I am afraid I will trust in You. Father, forgive me for giving into the fear of this situation. Forgive me for focusing on the problem rather than on You, the Problem Solver. And especially, Abba, forgive me for forgetting that everything that happens in this life does so to bring us into a closer relationship with You.

You Word in James 1:2 says we should "count it all joy when various trials and problems enter our lives, because they are for the testing of our faith." But Abba, that is so hard to do! Please help me to trust that You know what You are doing in allowing this trial to occur in my life.

I choose to turn this whole situation over to You. Your Word in Proverbs 21:1 says, 'The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD; like the rivers of water He (that is You, Abba) turns it wherever He wishes." Father, I do trust You, and I know You will work everything for good in Your time.

By faith, Father, I push back the curtain of fear the enemy has enclosed me in and claim Your 'fear not' promises in Isaiah 41:10 and 2 Timothy 1:7.

I praise You for Your love and mercy to me and my family. I praise You that satan and all his cohorts are dead meat because of Your grace. Thank You, Abba, for not giving up on us even when our faith falters and falls. I leave this situation in Your capable hands to do whatever...whatever You allow into my life or my family's lives, because I know You are powerful and strong enough to get us through it.

In JESUS' name, Amen.

My Forever Child

How do you love a person

who never got to be,

or try to envision a smile

you never got to see?

How do you mourn the death of one

who never got to live.

When there's nothing to forget

and nothing to forgive?

I love you, my little baby,

my companion of the night.

Wandering through my lonely hours,

beautiful and bright.

What does it mean to die before

you ever were born,

to live the lovely night of life

and never see the dawn?

Ah! My little baby,

you lived like anyone!

Life's a burst of joy and pain.

And then, like yours, it's done.

I love you, my little baby,

just as if you'd lived for years.

No more, no less, I think of you

,the Angel of my tears.

~Author Unknown.

"Know I love you so Abby!"