Feeling Down, Down, Down

Ughhhhh! I wish I could shake this feeling, but my counselor told me not to. She said I need to feel it, the full brunt of it. But I am just so sad I can't stand it. I just miss my baby girl so much. I miss what we would be doing right now. I miss her when I play with Benjamin. I miss her sweet face and sweet smell. I wish I could hold her in my arms and see her laugh and smile and discover the world in bloom all around her! I was soooo looking forward to this summer with my two kids getting to know each other. I miss that we would be doing that right now. We were playing in the back yard and all I could think of is that she should be here with us! She should be in her walker on the deck or jumping in her exersaucer while Ben and I played in the yard. I miss that she would be cooing and laughing in the background. I miss that when I gave him his bath tonight, I should be putting her to bed, too. I miss that he would be watching and helping me take care of her and learning to be a big brother. He would be such a good big brother! I can picture in my mind everything we would be doing together and how crazy and stressed I would be taking care of two kids!! I miss that he would be fighting for my attention now that he would have to share me. I miss that he would be enjoying playing with her instead of always asking me to play with him because he is lonely. I miss all of those sweet baby things that I got to watch him do and should now be watching Abby do, too! I miss her so much it hurts!!!!! I just wish I didn't have to feel it in every nerve ending of my entire being. My arms physically ache to hold her. I hate feeling so sad and frustrated all the time. I just wish she were here. I wish I wish I wish ...