February 08, 2007
Benjamin
Benjamin, did something that caught me off guard last weekend. As I was putting him to bed on Friday night, he pulled up my shirt, hugged and kissed my belly and said "I love you baby Abby!" like he always did every night when I was still pregnant. It broke my heart all over again and I just cried my eyes out. I had to explain all over again that she is not in mommy's tummy anymore and that she went to Heaven to live with Jesus. I thought he got it, but he did it AGAIN on Saturday when I went to put him down for his nap! He hasn't done this even once since the week after the funeral and I couldn't figure out why all of a sudden he's started doing it again. I told him that while there is no baby in mommy's tummy now, he could pray and ask God to send us another baby that we can keep this time. I also described Heaven in more detail and even went into explaining what and where Heaven is, to the best of my ability and to the extent I think he can understand. I also ordered the book, "We Were Going To Have A Baby But Had An Angel Instead" from amazon. com and I'm praying it will help him understand (he started to do the tummy thing again the next night, but I stopped him and reminded him again that she is in Heaven). Hopefully some repetition combined with the book (visuals) will do the trick. It was sweet, though, because he prayed that God would send us another baby soon. Obviously it's been harder on me than it is on him (he was only 2 1/2 when she died ... almost 3 now), but I'm glad he is remembering her. I have her photo as the wallpaper on my computer and every time he sees it, he kisses the screen and says, "I love you baby Abby." It was just the kissing the tummy thing coming back after all these weeks that threw me for a loop. I really thought he understood since he stopped doing it after the funeral.
February 05, 2007
90 Minutes In Heaven
I just finished reading the most amazing book called, "90 Minutes in Heaven," written by Don Piper, a minister who died in a car wreck in 1989 and came back to life after 90 minutes and lived to tell about his experience in Heaven. I never thought much about Heaven until Abby died. It was always such a "future" event to me ... the place I want to go in the end ... but not something I wanted to think about now because I wanted to live my life first. That's weird considering that I am a Christian and believe that Heaven is a "better place" than here and that it is our ultimate destination, our "true" home. Yet even knowing that I'll go there "someday" and experience pure happiness, I never really thought much about what it will be like, I mean what it is REALLY like. Well, I'm wondering now! I wonder what she's experiencing and if she remembers me since we never really got to meet. I wonder if she'll still be a baby when I get there or if she will be her "grown up" self? I wonder if she is aware that she was here and is now there? The Bible says that we will recognize each other, but I wonder what she will look like and how I will know it is her. It also says that we will know fully as we are known, implying that all of our questions will be answered when we get there without even having to ask ... we will just know! Well, this guy actually WENT to Heaven and came back to answer some questions for us now. I started reading the book with a bit of skepticism, but when I finished it, I truly believe that this guy really did go to Heaven and that God sent him back to earth to encourage others that it is a REAL place and to let those who lost loved ones get a glimpse into what it is like there. I loved the book so much and found it so encouraging that I just had to share a few excerpts with you ...
When I died, I didn't flow through a long, dark tunnel. I had no sense of fading away or coming back. I never felt my body being transported into the light. I heard no voices calling to me or anything else. Simultaneous with my last recollection of seeing the bridge and the rain, a light enveloped me, with a brilliance beyond earthly comprehension or description. Only that. In my next moment of awareness, I was standing in Heaven. Joy pulsated through me as I looked around, and at that moment I became aware of a large crowd of people. They stood in front of a brilliant, ornate gate. I have no idea how far away they were; such things as distance didn't matter. As the crowd rushed towards me, I didn't see Jesus, but I did see people I had known. As they surged toward me, I knew instantly that all of them had died during my lifetime. Their presence seemed absolutely natural. They rushed toward me, and every person was smiling, shouting and praising God. Although no one said so, intuitively I knew they were my celestial welcoming committee. It was as if they had all gathered just outside Heaven's gate, waiting for me.
The first person that I recognized was Joe Kulbeth, my grandfather. He looked exactly as I remembered him, with his shock of white hair and what I called a big banana nose. He stopped momentarily and stood in front of me. A grin covered his face. I may have called his name, I'm not sure. "Donnie!" (that's what my grandfather always called me.) His eyes lit up, and he held out his arms as he took the last steps toward me. He embraced me, holding me tightly. He was once again the robust, strong grandfather I had remembered as a child. I'd been with him when he suffered a heart attack at home and had ridden with him in the ambulance. I had been standing just outside the emergency room at the hospital when the doctor walked out and faced me. He shook his head and said softly, "We did everything we could." My grandfather released me, and as I stared into his face, an ecstatic bliss overwhelmed me. I didn't think about his heart attack or his death, because I couldn't get past the joy of our reunion. How either of us reached Heaven seemed irrelevant.
I have no idea why my grandfather was the first person I saw. Perhaps it had something to do with my being there when he died. He wasn't one of the great spiritual guides of my life, although he certainly influenced me positively in that way. After being hugged by my grandfather, I don't remember who was second or third. The crowd surrounded me. Some hugged me and a few kissed my cheek, while others pumped my hand. Never had I felt more loved. More and more people reached for me and called me by name. I felt overwhelmed by the number of people who had come to welcome me to Heaven. There were so many of them, and I had never imagined anyone being as happy as they all were. Their faces radiated a serenity I had never seen on earth. All were full of life and expressed radiant joy. Time had no meaning. However, for clarity, I'll relate this experience in terms that refer to time.
I saw my great-grandfather, heard his voice, and felt his embrace as he told me how excited he was that I had come to join them. I saw Barry Wilson, who had been my classmate in high school but later drowned in a lake. Barry hugged me, and his smile radiated a happiness I didn't know was possible. He and everyone that followed praised God and told me how excited they were to see me and to welcome me to Heaven and to the fellowship they enjoyed. Just then, I spotted two teachers who had loved me and often talked to me about Jesus Christ. As I walked among them, I became aware of the wide variety of ages--old and young and every age in-between. Many of them hadn't known each other on earth, but each had influenced my life in some way. Even though they hadn't met on earth, they seemed to know each other now.
As I try to explain this, my words seem weak and hardly adequate, because I have to use earthly terms to refer to unimaginable joy, excitement, warmth, and total happiness. Everyone continually embraced me, touched me, spoke to me, laughed and praised God. This seemed to go on for a long time, but I didn't tire of it. Everything I experienced was like a first-class buffet for the senses. I had never felt such beauty. Heaven's light and texture defy earthly eyes or explanation. Warm, radiant light engulfed me. As I looked around, I could hardly grasp the vivid, dazzling colors. Every hue and tone surpassed anything I had ever seen. With all the heightened awareness of my senses, I felt as if I had never seen, heard, or felt anything so real before. I don't recall that I tasted anything, yet I knew that if I had, that too would have been more glorious than anything I had eaten or drunk on earth.
The best way I can explain it is that I felt like I was in a different dimension. Never, even in my happiest moments, had I ever felt so fully alive. I stood speechless in front of the crowd of loved ones, still trying to take in everything. Over and over I heard how overjoyed they were to see me and how excited they were to have me among them. I'm not sure if they actually said the words or not, but I knew they had been waiting and expecting me, yet I also knew that in Heaven there is no sense of time passing. I wasn't conscious of anything I'd left behind and felt no regrets about leaving family or posessions. It was as if God had removed anything negative or worrisome from my consciousness and I could only rejoice at being together with these wonderful people. They looked exactly as I once knew them--although they were more radiant and joyful than they'd ever been on earth.
Age expresses time passing, and there is no time there. All of the people I encountered were the same age they had been the last time I had seen them--except that all of the ravages of living on earth had vanished. Even though some of their features may not have been considered attractive on earth, in Heaven every feature was perfect, beautiful, and wonderful to gaze at. Even now, years later, I can sometimes close my eyes and see those perfect countenances and smiles that surprised me with the most human warmth and friendliness I've ever witnessed. Just being with them was a holy moment and remains a treasured hope.
When I died, I didn't flow through a long, dark tunnel. I had no sense of fading away or coming back. I never felt my body being transported into the light. I heard no voices calling to me or anything else. Simultaneous with my last recollection of seeing the bridge and the rain, a light enveloped me, with a brilliance beyond earthly comprehension or description. Only that. In my next moment of awareness, I was standing in Heaven. Joy pulsated through me as I looked around, and at that moment I became aware of a large crowd of people. They stood in front of a brilliant, ornate gate. I have no idea how far away they were; such things as distance didn't matter. As the crowd rushed towards me, I didn't see Jesus, but I did see people I had known. As they surged toward me, I knew instantly that all of them had died during my lifetime. Their presence seemed absolutely natural. They rushed toward me, and every person was smiling, shouting and praising God. Although no one said so, intuitively I knew they were my celestial welcoming committee. It was as if they had all gathered just outside Heaven's gate, waiting for me.
The first person that I recognized was Joe Kulbeth, my grandfather. He looked exactly as I remembered him, with his shock of white hair and what I called a big banana nose. He stopped momentarily and stood in front of me. A grin covered his face. I may have called his name, I'm not sure. "Donnie!" (that's what my grandfather always called me.) His eyes lit up, and he held out his arms as he took the last steps toward me. He embraced me, holding me tightly. He was once again the robust, strong grandfather I had remembered as a child. I'd been with him when he suffered a heart attack at home and had ridden with him in the ambulance. I had been standing just outside the emergency room at the hospital when the doctor walked out and faced me. He shook his head and said softly, "We did everything we could." My grandfather released me, and as I stared into his face, an ecstatic bliss overwhelmed me. I didn't think about his heart attack or his death, because I couldn't get past the joy of our reunion. How either of us reached Heaven seemed irrelevant.
I have no idea why my grandfather was the first person I saw. Perhaps it had something to do with my being there when he died. He wasn't one of the great spiritual guides of my life, although he certainly influenced me positively in that way. After being hugged by my grandfather, I don't remember who was second or third. The crowd surrounded me. Some hugged me and a few kissed my cheek, while others pumped my hand. Never had I felt more loved. More and more people reached for me and called me by name. I felt overwhelmed by the number of people who had come to welcome me to Heaven. There were so many of them, and I had never imagined anyone being as happy as they all were. Their faces radiated a serenity I had never seen on earth. All were full of life and expressed radiant joy. Time had no meaning. However, for clarity, I'll relate this experience in terms that refer to time.
I saw my great-grandfather, heard his voice, and felt his embrace as he told me how excited he was that I had come to join them. I saw Barry Wilson, who had been my classmate in high school but later drowned in a lake. Barry hugged me, and his smile radiated a happiness I didn't know was possible. He and everyone that followed praised God and told me how excited they were to see me and to welcome me to Heaven and to the fellowship they enjoyed. Just then, I spotted two teachers who had loved me and often talked to me about Jesus Christ. As I walked among them, I became aware of the wide variety of ages--old and young and every age in-between. Many of them hadn't known each other on earth, but each had influenced my life in some way. Even though they hadn't met on earth, they seemed to know each other now.
As I try to explain this, my words seem weak and hardly adequate, because I have to use earthly terms to refer to unimaginable joy, excitement, warmth, and total happiness. Everyone continually embraced me, touched me, spoke to me, laughed and praised God. This seemed to go on for a long time, but I didn't tire of it. Everything I experienced was like a first-class buffet for the senses. I had never felt such beauty. Heaven's light and texture defy earthly eyes or explanation. Warm, radiant light engulfed me. As I looked around, I could hardly grasp the vivid, dazzling colors. Every hue and tone surpassed anything I had ever seen. With all the heightened awareness of my senses, I felt as if I had never seen, heard, or felt anything so real before. I don't recall that I tasted anything, yet I knew that if I had, that too would have been more glorious than anything I had eaten or drunk on earth.
The best way I can explain it is that I felt like I was in a different dimension. Never, even in my happiest moments, had I ever felt so fully alive. I stood speechless in front of the crowd of loved ones, still trying to take in everything. Over and over I heard how overjoyed they were to see me and how excited they were to have me among them. I'm not sure if they actually said the words or not, but I knew they had been waiting and expecting me, yet I also knew that in Heaven there is no sense of time passing. I wasn't conscious of anything I'd left behind and felt no regrets about leaving family or posessions. It was as if God had removed anything negative or worrisome from my consciousness and I could only rejoice at being together with these wonderful people. They looked exactly as I once knew them--although they were more radiant and joyful than they'd ever been on earth.
Age expresses time passing, and there is no time there. All of the people I encountered were the same age they had been the last time I had seen them--except that all of the ravages of living on earth had vanished. Even though some of their features may not have been considered attractive on earth, in Heaven every feature was perfect, beautiful, and wonderful to gaze at. Even now, years later, I can sometimes close my eyes and see those perfect countenances and smiles that surprised me with the most human warmth and friendliness I've ever witnessed. Just being with them was a holy moment and remains a treasured hope.
Grief & Hope
My mom just sent this to me and I thought it was worth sharing ...
Grief does such strange things to our moods. One minute we can be busy and happy and thinking only about positive things. Then, at the passing of a second, our mood can change and weare out of sorts with the entire world. We can't stand being around anyone, and we are certain that nobody in the entire universe cares about us. Grief seems to play with our minds and our emotions, and we feel out of control, alone, and afraid. Grief is like the invisible visitor that is always hiding in thebackground ready to pounce on us when we least expect it. There is no sure-fire way to make grief go away, but it helps to do all that we can to give us some extra strength when the unwanted visitor appears. We need to constantly be filling our minds with hopeful thoughts. Before we go to bed each night and when we wake up each morning, it helps to remember that each new day is a miracle. In fact, every day is a special gift to us that is waiting for us to enjoy. We are never alone, even though there are times when loneliness overcomes us. All we have to do is look at the sky and be reminded that there is a star shining just for us. When we feel the warm rays of sunshine against our face we know that God is mighty and much more powerful than our unwelcome guest called grief. We are never alone; hope surrounds us always! God's love is tender enough to hold us when we are weary, and strong enough to carry us when we feel we cannot go on. Lean on Him, listen to Him, and call to Him often. He will see us through! ~ Clara Hinton
Grief does such strange things to our moods. One minute we can be busy and happy and thinking only about positive things. Then, at the passing of a second, our mood can change and weare out of sorts with the entire world. We can't stand being around anyone, and we are certain that nobody in the entire universe cares about us. Grief seems to play with our minds and our emotions, and we feel out of control, alone, and afraid. Grief is like the invisible visitor that is always hiding in thebackground ready to pounce on us when we least expect it. There is no sure-fire way to make grief go away, but it helps to do all that we can to give us some extra strength when the unwanted visitor appears. We need to constantly be filling our minds with hopeful thoughts. Before we go to bed each night and when we wake up each morning, it helps to remember that each new day is a miracle. In fact, every day is a special gift to us that is waiting for us to enjoy. We are never alone, even though there are times when loneliness overcomes us. All we have to do is look at the sky and be reminded that there is a star shining just for us. When we feel the warm rays of sunshine against our face we know that God is mighty and much more powerful than our unwelcome guest called grief. We are never alone; hope surrounds us always! God's love is tender enough to hold us when we are weary, and strong enough to carry us when we feel we cannot go on. Lean on Him, listen to Him, and call to Him often. He will see us through! ~ Clara Hinton
January 26, 2007
Goodbye Sweet Friend
We put our cat, Delilah, to sleep last night ending a six week battle against an unknown sickness. We had 10 great years together! I can't help but think this is exactly what she was thinking as we finally made the decision to let her go and end her suffering. This poem is in memory of Delilah ... we stayed with you until the end and will love you always, sweet friend. Samson will never be the same without you!!
If it should be, that I grow frail and weak,
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then you must do what must be done
For this, the last battle, can't be won.
You will be sad, I understand.
Don't let your grief then stay your hand,
For this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship stand the test.
We've had so many happy years
What is to come can hold no fears.
You'd not want me to suffer, so,
When the time comes, please let me go.
Take me where my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me to the end,
And hold me firm and speak to me,
Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time you will see
It is a kindness you do to me
Although my tail its last has waved
From pain and suffering I've been saved.
Don't grieve it should be you,
Who decides this thing to do,
We've been so close, we two, these years
Don't let your heart hold any tears.
Smile - for we walked together,
For a little while.
If it should be, that I grow frail and weak,
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then you must do what must be done
For this, the last battle, can't be won.
You will be sad, I understand.
Don't let your grief then stay your hand,
For this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship stand the test.
We've had so many happy years
What is to come can hold no fears.
You'd not want me to suffer, so,
When the time comes, please let me go.
Take me where my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me to the end,
And hold me firm and speak to me,
Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time you will see
It is a kindness you do to me
Although my tail its last has waved
From pain and suffering I've been saved.
Don't grieve it should be you,
Who decides this thing to do,
We've been so close, we two, these years
Don't let your heart hold any tears.
Smile - for we walked together,
For a little while.
January 23, 2007
A Glimpse Of Grief
It will be 8 weeks tomorrow since Abby died. I received her death certificate in the mail this weekend. I guess that makes it final. This excerpt is from "Holding onto Hope," a book written by Nancy Guthrie about the loss of her baby daughter, Hope. This book has encouraged and helped me so much and her words express my feelings much better than I ever could ...
It is only natural that people around me often ask searchingly, "How are you?" And for much of the first year after Hope's death, my answer was, "I'm deeply and profoundly sad." I've been blessed with many people who have been willing to share my sorrow, to just be sad with me. Others, however, seem to want to rush me through my sadness. They want to fix me. But I lost someone I love dearly, and I'm sad.
Ours is not a culture that is comfortable with sadness. Sadness is awkward. It is unsettling. It ebbs and flows and takes on it's own shape. It beckons to be shared. It comes out in tears, and we don't quite know what to do with those.
So many people are afraid to bring up my loss. They don't want to upset me. But my tears are the only way I have to release the deep sorrow I feel. I tell people, "Don't worry about crying in front of me, and don't be afraid that you will make me cry! Your tears tell me that you care, and my tears tell you that you've touched me in a place that is meaningful to me--and I will never forget your willingness to share my grief."
In fact, those who shed their tears with me show me we are not alone. It often feels like we are carrying this enormous load of sorrow, and when others shed their tears with me, it is as if they are taking a bucketful of sadness and carrying it for me. It is, perhaps, the most meaningful thing anyone can do for me.
Our culture wants to put the Band-Aid of Heaven on the hurt of losing someone we love. Sometimes it seems like the people around us think that because we know the one we love is in Heaven, we shouldn't be sad. But they don't understand how far away Heaven feels, and how long the future seems as we see before us the years we have to spend on this earth before we see the one we love again.
Fortunately, we are not alone in our sadness. In Isaiah 53:3, the Bible describes God's Son as "a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief" (NKJV). And so it is in our sadness that we discover a new aspect of God's character and reach a new understanding of Him that we could not have known without loss. He is acquainted with grief. He understands. He is not trying to rush us through our sadness. He is sad with us.
Part of being human is that when you lose something or someone that is valuable to you, you agonize over that loss, and there is nothing wrong with that. Your tears do not reflect a lack of faith.
"And though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm!!!"
It is only natural that people around me often ask searchingly, "How are you?" And for much of the first year after Hope's death, my answer was, "I'm deeply and profoundly sad." I've been blessed with many people who have been willing to share my sorrow, to just be sad with me. Others, however, seem to want to rush me through my sadness. They want to fix me. But I lost someone I love dearly, and I'm sad.
Ours is not a culture that is comfortable with sadness. Sadness is awkward. It is unsettling. It ebbs and flows and takes on it's own shape. It beckons to be shared. It comes out in tears, and we don't quite know what to do with those.
So many people are afraid to bring up my loss. They don't want to upset me. But my tears are the only way I have to release the deep sorrow I feel. I tell people, "Don't worry about crying in front of me, and don't be afraid that you will make me cry! Your tears tell me that you care, and my tears tell you that you've touched me in a place that is meaningful to me--and I will never forget your willingness to share my grief."
In fact, those who shed their tears with me show me we are not alone. It often feels like we are carrying this enormous load of sorrow, and when others shed their tears with me, it is as if they are taking a bucketful of sadness and carrying it for me. It is, perhaps, the most meaningful thing anyone can do for me.
Our culture wants to put the Band-Aid of Heaven on the hurt of losing someone we love. Sometimes it seems like the people around us think that because we know the one we love is in Heaven, we shouldn't be sad. But they don't understand how far away Heaven feels, and how long the future seems as we see before us the years we have to spend on this earth before we see the one we love again.
Fortunately, we are not alone in our sadness. In Isaiah 53:3, the Bible describes God's Son as "a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief" (NKJV). And so it is in our sadness that we discover a new aspect of God's character and reach a new understanding of Him that we could not have known without loss. He is acquainted with grief. He understands. He is not trying to rush us through our sadness. He is sad with us.
Part of being human is that when you lose something or someone that is valuable to you, you agonize over that loss, and there is nothing wrong with that. Your tears do not reflect a lack of faith.
"And though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm!!!"
December 13, 2006
Beauty for Ashes
I've been meditating on a bunch of Scriptures this week that have brought me comfort (Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11, Revelations 21:4), but the one that has stood with me today is Isaiah 61:1-3. I know that God will turn our ashes into beauty and that He will use Abby's life and death to turn many hearts towards Him. I spent the last year doing Beth Moore's Bible studies and the first one was based on this Scripture. Please read this verse and the following song as both have brought great encouragement to me this week ...
ISA 61:1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
ISA 61:2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
ISA 61:3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion--
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
Salvador - Shine
From the album Dismiss the Mystery
I woke up to another day
Another day to celebrate
Your beauty and your mystery,
it's more than any eye can see
I'm not the man I was before
With You, my life is so much more
Break the chains and open doors
to a world I can't ignore
Lord let me shine,
shine like the moon
A reflection of you
in all that I do
Lord let me be
a light for your truth
Light of the world,
I wanna be used
to shine for you
As simple as a passing smile
Or listening a little while
To someone that's convinced that they
are in this all alone
Here's my chance to share the news
To introduce the good that's you
Here you go again,
you never cease to blow my mind
Lord let me shine,
shine like the moon
A reflection of you
in all that I do
Lord let me be
a light for your truth
Light of the world,
I wanna be used
to shine for you
You're the love that we all need
You lift us up to our feet
You hold the key to eternity
The King of Kings alive in me
ISA 61:1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
ISA 61:2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
ISA 61:3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion--
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
Salvador - Shine
From the album Dismiss the Mystery
I woke up to another day
Another day to celebrate
Your beauty and your mystery,
it's more than any eye can see
I'm not the man I was before
With You, my life is so much more
Break the chains and open doors
to a world I can't ignore
Lord let me shine,
shine like the moon
A reflection of you
in all that I do
Lord let me be
a light for your truth
Light of the world,
I wanna be used
to shine for you
As simple as a passing smile
Or listening a little while
To someone that's convinced that they
are in this all alone
Here's my chance to share the news
To introduce the good that's you
Here you go again,
you never cease to blow my mind
Lord let me shine,
shine like the moon
A reflection of you
in all that I do
Lord let me be
a light for your truth
Light of the world,
I wanna be used
to shine for you
You're the love that we all need
You lift us up to our feet
You hold the key to eternity
The King of Kings alive in me
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