You Comfort Me

when the night goes on forever...
oh, you comfort me...
how you comfort me...
when i'm cold in need of shelter...
oh, you comfort me...
how you comfort me...

when my life is hard and cold...
then you touch my heart and you warm my soul...
when love is hard to see...
then you take my hand and you rescue me...
yes, you do...

when i drift into the shadows...
oh, you comfort me...
yes, you comfort me...
when my life's a raging battle...
oh, you comfort me...
yes, you comfort me...

when my life is hard and cold...
then you touch my heart and you warm my soul...
when love is hard to see...
then you take my hand and you rescue me...
yes, you do, lord...

when the night goes on forever...
oh, you comfort me...
lord, how you comfort me...
when i'm cold in need of shelter...
oh, you comfort me...
i'm so thankful that you comfort me...

The Journey To Acceptance

I never realized what a long journey this would be. Grief. I knew it would be difficult, but never in a million years realized I would still have such deep valleys to trudge through almost nine months later. Ugh, grief! The peaks and valleys continue for what seems like forever and setbacks in my grief happen at the least expected moments. One step forward, two steps back. Endless waiting for relief. Unwanted companion, grief!!! Like most people, I have grieved the loss of pets and grandparents. I've even grieved the death of people I grew up with and parents of friends. I've grieved the loss of jobs and friendships. I've grieved the loss of hopes and dreams. But unlike most people, I am grieving the loss of my daughter. My baby. My child. I don't think there are adequate words in the English language to express my grief and what it has done to me. How it has changed me. Completely and utterly. I am certain that from the outside I must appear to most people to be doing very well. So many people have commented on my "strength." Well, I don't feel strong. I feel weak and helpless most of the time. I feel defeated and lost, too. But then there are times that I actually feel "normal" again, however brief those moments last. The time spent between those days is where I really live. It is filled with confusion, unsettledness, anxiety and avoidance. I often feel paralyzed by it. I feel that every ounce of what once was has been completely drained from my life. My life? I can't remember it let alone find it. And normal? What happened to normal? I don't know what normal is anymore. I am half way between who I was and who I am becoming, but currently I am neither. I am not the "old" me, but I am not the "new" me either. I am the "in between" me who is trying to figure this whole thing out ... the me who feels lost and trapped between the two. My enemy, anxiety, is the worst. My inability to make or keep a commitment frustrates me. The "old" me would never miss a beat ... not one appointment ... not one birthday ... not one bill. Since the "new" me hasn't arrived yet, the "in between" me has taken over and she is completely disorganized and forgets everything! She procrastinates. She's selfish. She can't make a decision. She is full of anxiety and frustration. One moment she seems happy, but then she is sad and angry all over again. And she wants this to be over. I hate her! I wish she would leave and the "new" me would just hurry up and get here. But it's just not that easy. There is more to be done before the "new" me can emerge. There is more healing ahead before she will be ready to make her appearance. I guess the first step to prepare the way for her is to accept that it is going to take time for her to get here. As much as I want to hurry up and get this over with, I can't rush it. Grief takes time. And many times it feels like too much time. But it is what it is and as soon as I embrace it and allow it to do it's work in me, maybe I will be able to see the "new" me on the horizon. I just know that I really miss the "old" me who was happy and innocent to this terrible pain and loss. But since I will never be able to get her back, I need to trust that this will not last forever and that what emerges from the ashes will be more beautiful and even better than before ...

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion--
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
~ Isaiah 61:1-3

Poem By Emilie

This wonderful poem was written for Abby by a very dear friend, who also just happens to be the mommy of another special angel baby, Logan. It is so sweet and precious. I just had to share it ...

Abby

Little bitty girl.
Perfect.
In Every
Every Single Way.
Soft, itsy bitsy feet....
And dimples in her hands.
Right where they should be.
Kissing and kissing and kissing her.
Never enough.
Never, never enough.
The sweet curls.....
Framing her face....
Dark.
Silky.
Winsome....
Her innocence.
Pure, and unblemished
For her very first breath.....
Not of this world.
But in Gods hands.

Moments With You

We went to our friends house for dinner tonight and afterwards sat in the back yard around a fire pit with the kids and his guitar. Then he asked me if he could share a song with us. It was a song he wrote for my baby, Abby, and their baby, Jesse, who they lost to miscarriage at 12 weeks four years ago. It is so beautiful and touched me so deeply. I just wanted to share it with you ...

"Moments With You"
Written for Abby & Jesse
By Lawrence Herlinger II
There's sweetness in the air
And a glow on her face
O there's nothingthat could darken this day
Cause the positive test
Brought joy to her soul as she thoughtabout the baby
That she would soon hold
But as time moved on
The fears did surround
Something was wrong
No heartbeat could be found

And her world crashed down
and she fell apart
And I can hear these words
bleeding from her heart
Why were you put in my life
For these momentsto just slip away?
I'm torn and broken inside
So many moments
I just hide away

A pink room was waiting
For a miracle to see
Butterflies and birds, flowers and bees
Every kick she felt
From her little girl made her think
About the moment
She was waiting for
And she prayed to God
The nurse was wrong
But the doctor said
I'm sorryYour baby is gone

And her world crashed down
and she fell apart
And I can hear these words
bleeding from her heart
Why were you put in my life
For these momentsto just slip away?
I'm torn and broken inside
So many moments
I just hide away

And I don't understand
as I'm walking through this pain
Why you left this world
before I even saw your face
But I'll look forward
till the day when we meet
But for now...play at Jesus' feet

And I don't know
Why you were put in my life
For these moments
To just slip away
But I'll cherish these moments I had
Every heartbeat and kick, every day
And I don't know
Why you were put in my life
For these momentsto just slip away
But I'll cherish these moments I had
Every heartbeat
Every kick
Every day

It Comes Out Of Nowhere

I have been trying so hard to find my "new normal" and take my mind off my own problems and having my cousin to care for has been a good distraction (not that I would wish that on anyone, but I think you know what I mean). All of a sudden today everything caught up with me in one single moment. Out of nowhere! Totally unexpected. The tears just rolled. It seems it only happens when I am at home and outside with my son. I've been avoiding that. Being outside I mean. I've been either staying inside with him or going places to keep busy and keep myself from dwelling on it every second of the day. I think in reality that I've been just avoiding my grief. Trying to hide from it by staying away from things that remind me that it's there. Like being outside with my son at my house in my yard where she should be. It started when I was walking my son in his Little Tikes car tonight. It's one of those big red Flinstone style cars with the bottom out for your child's feet, but with a handle that you can use to push your little one if he/she is not ready to walk in it his or herself. He got it for his first birthday two years and three months ago. Tonight was the first night he got in it where he almost doesn't fit anymore. So I was reminded that next summer she would have been big enough to fit in it, which would have made it worth keeping. She would be sixteen or seventeen months old when the nice weather begins next spring and would be able to pick up right where he left off. He would be big enough to push her around the neighborhood while she would scream with delight about being big enough to ride in his big red car! Now there will be NO baby next summer. I've been trying to conceive since March and AF came today. My neighbor two houses down is going to give birth to HER baby girl in just two weeks and here I am sitting at my computer crying instead of taking care of MY baby girl and looking forward to all the things she would be learning from her big brother. And next summer instead of my daughter (who would be seventeen months old) getting to know my neighbors daughter (who would be turning one), there will just be my neighbors daughter. It just hurts so much to think of all the things we WOULD be doing ... so many memories lost. So many hopes dashed. So many dreams shattered. I can't hold the tears back now. They are falling all over. I just don't know when it will end. This pain. This empty place in my heart that only Abby can fill, but never will. I am so heartbroken. And my little boy is getting so big ... and everything that was his was going to be hers ... and now it's not ...

Why am I so sad today?

I can’t believe how sad I am. Fourth of July shouldn’t be a big deal. I got through Christmas, New Year’s, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day ... I just didn’t expect to be so sad today of all days. My husband has to work tonight and I am at the family Fourth of July gathering and I just feel so alone and so sad. I am so tired of being sad all the time. I am sad ALL the time! I just feel like the damper to every party, every special moment that comes and goes. I am tired of being sad, but my baby girl should be here. She should be in her cute little Fourth of July outfit, matching her big brother in his. My niece should be driving me crazy because she won’t stop touching the baby. Everyone should be oohing and ahhing over the adorable little gingham check outfit I bought her last year. I even got it out of the closet and held it. It’s actually hanging in my bedroom right now. I feel like a lunatic! I am sure that if anyone knew, they would think I was a little crazy. I want to take a picture of it and send it to everyone so they see how cute it is. I bought it last June, anticipating that she would wear it today. It was the first and one of the few outfits that I bought for her. I had a lot of hand-medowns since she was a second child and many of my friends already had girls. I just miss her so much and I want her here with me. I am so overwhelmed with sadness. I feel like I have spent every minute of the day thinking about her and have not been able to enjoy my son. I feel like a bad mommy for not wanting to be with him. And I feel like a bad sister, aunt, daughter, etc. for sitting here on the sofa typing on the laptop while everyone else is visiting and enjoying each other and talking about their happy lives. I just can’t do the small talk when I am hurting so much inside. No one sees it, no one knows it, but I am hurting so much today. I haven’t been on MISS in awhile because I just can’t find the words to express how I’ve been feeling most of the time. This is the first time that I have had the words to express myself, and I am not even sure if I am getting out everything that I need to get out. That would take hours ... maybe days!!! Time is going too fast and too slow. I want it to slow down so I can breathe, but I also want it to speed up so that I can not be sad every single day of it. When will I stop feeling sad? I want to enjoy my son and not miss all the special moments in his life (he is three). But I just want to be pregnant again and have something happy in my life. I want something to look forward to. Something that will bring me joy and take away this pain ...

Fourth of July

I can't believe how sad I am. Fourth of July shouldn't be a big deal. I got through Christmas, New Year's, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day ... I just didn't expect to be so sad today of all days. My husband has to work tonight and I am at the family Fourth of July gathering and I just feel so alone and so sad. I am so tired of being sad all the time. I am sad ALL the time! I just feel like the damper to every party, every special moment that comes and goes. I am tired of being sad, but my baby girl should be here. She should be in her cute little Fourth of July outfit, matching her big brother in his. My niece should be driving me crazy because she won't stop touching the baby. Everyone should be oohing and ahhing over the adorable little gingham check outfit I bought her last year. I bought it last June, anticipating that she would wear it today. It was the first and one of the few outfits that I bought for her. I had a lot of hand-me-downs since she was a second child and many of my friends already had girls. I just miss her so much and I want her here with me. I am so overwhelmed with sadness. I feel like I have spent every minute of the day thinking about her and have not been able to enjoy my son. I feel like a bad mommy for not wanting to be with him. And I feel like a bad sister, aunt, daughter, etc. for sitting here on the sofa typing on the laptop while everyone else is visiting and enjoying each other and talking about their happy lives. I just can't do the small talk when I am hurting so much inside. No one sees it, no one knows it, but I am hurting so much today. This is the first time that I have had the words to express myself, and I am not even sure if I am getting out everything that I need to get out. That would take hours ... maybe days!!! Time is going too fast and too slow. I want it to slow down so I can breathe, but I also want it to speed up so that I can not be sad every single day of it. When will I stop feeling sad? I want to enjoy my son and not miss all the special moments in his life (he is three). But I just want to be pregnant again and have something happy in my life. I want something to look forward to. Something that will bring me joy and take away this pain ...