It Comes Out Of Nowhere

I have been trying so hard to find my "new normal" and take my mind off my own problems and having my cousin to care for has been a good distraction (not that I would wish that on anyone, but I think you know what I mean). All of a sudden today everything caught up with me in one single moment. Out of nowhere! Totally unexpected. The tears just rolled. It seems it only happens when I am at home and outside with my son. I've been avoiding that. Being outside I mean. I've been either staying inside with him or going places to keep busy and keep myself from dwelling on it every second of the day. I think in reality that I've been just avoiding my grief. Trying to hide from it by staying away from things that remind me that it's there. Like being outside with my son at my house in my yard where she should be. It started when I was walking my son in his Little Tikes car tonight. It's one of those big red Flinstone style cars with the bottom out for your child's feet, but with a handle that you can use to push your little one if he/she is not ready to walk in it his or herself. He got it for his first birthday two years and three months ago. Tonight was the first night he got in it where he almost doesn't fit anymore. So I was reminded that next summer she would have been big enough to fit in it, which would have made it worth keeping. She would be sixteen or seventeen months old when the nice weather begins next spring and would be able to pick up right where he left off. He would be big enough to push her around the neighborhood while she would scream with delight about being big enough to ride in his big red car! Now there will be NO baby next summer. I've been trying to conceive since March and AF came today. My neighbor two houses down is going to give birth to HER baby girl in just two weeks and here I am sitting at my computer crying instead of taking care of MY baby girl and looking forward to all the things she would be learning from her big brother. And next summer instead of my daughter (who would be seventeen months old) getting to know my neighbors daughter (who would be turning one), there will just be my neighbors daughter. It just hurts so much to think of all the things we WOULD be doing ... so many memories lost. So many hopes dashed. So many dreams shattered. I can't hold the tears back now. They are falling all over. I just don't know when it will end. This pain. This empty place in my heart that only Abby can fill, but never will. I am so heartbroken. And my little boy is getting so big ... and everything that was his was going to be hers ... and now it's not ...