Sorrow

I hate what losing Abby has done to my friendships, my marriage, my parenting, my life. It is like a part of me was ripped out that day and destroyed, never to return. I have spent the last 13 1/2 months trying to find it to no avail. I have come to realize that part of me will hurt like this forever. That some conversations will always be hard. That most people will never understand. That in some ways, I'll never be able to relate to others in the way I once did. There is a part of me that is so changed, that I will never be the same person. I keep looking for that person and keep coming up empty handed. I am drawn to people who are broken and deeply hurting and indifferent to the rest. It's like I just can't relate to people with ordinary problems. I can't relate to the "normal" talk of the day. I spend most days mostly "happy" playing with my son, taking care of him and my husband, our house and the responsibilities that are mine, but there is always a hint of sadness and reminders of what would have been. Not a day goes by that I don't think about what we've lost. And I often feel so ... alone. I have been trying so hard to accept she's not here, but I have come to the realization it's not about accepting losing her, but accepting what my life is without her in it. It's accepting the sadness I often feel about seemingly meaningless things, like adding the birthdays to my 2008 planner the other day. Such a meanial, innocent task. However, as I turned each page of my otherwise whimsically illustrated Mary Engelbreit calendar, all I saw were pictures of mothers and daughters and families of four, little girls dancing and daddies hugging them. I came undone. I am starting to realize that while time numbs the pain, it never really goes away. It's never far from the surface. It lingers there, just waiting for a reason to rise and be known. I can go many days without a tear, but when they flow, it's as if they were the very first ones. I trust God, I believe God, and that does not waiver. But at times these human emotions overtake me and make me feel like I'll never recover. I long for a day when I'll never feel sad again and then I realize that day will only come when Heaven comes for me. As long as I live this life, I will pine for the daughter who is not here, who I did not get to raise, who I held in my arms for only a moment, only long enough to fall completely and irreversibly in love and then only to let go. I said it and I'll say it again ... and again and again ... the sound of my daughter's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it will always bring music to my ears. Speak her name. Don't be afraid to make me cry. I cry secret tears more often then you know. And crying is often the only way to release this sadness I feel. But God holds every tear in His hand and He knows this sorrow I carry in my heart every day. Jesus was "a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief" (Isaiah 53:3-5). He understands. And someday, He will wipe every tear away and I will see my precious little girl's face and hold her in my arms once again.