"I Do" ... Again!

We went to Gatlinburg over Labor Day weekend this year and stayed in the log cabin where we got engaged almost 11 years ago when dh was a youth pastor (we were there with our youth group on a weekend retreat and weren't even dating at the time -- lonnnnng story!!!). Anyway, as we were driving to the cabin, we passed a little chapel called "The Chapel in the Glen" and my very romantic husband said that he wanted to get our wedding vows renewed while we were there (we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary in July). I was very surprised because he is not usually the spontaneous type. But he felt that it would be a great opportunity to give our marriage a fresh start after everything we've been through this last year and declare a new season in our life together. So I agreed that I would marry him ... AGAIN!!! We hadn't packed any dress clothes, so I found a cute little white sundress and zirconia earrings at a boutique in downtown Gatlinburg and found white dress shirts for him and Benjamin at the outlet mall in nearby Pigeon Forge. We all wore sandals. Mine were white flip flops with little beads on them. I even had to buy make-up because I didn't pack any!! Chad and Benjamin both wore shorts with their white shirts and sandals. It was so sweet. We both cried all the way through the ceremony and Benjamin stood between us grinning from ear to ear. Then he asked us if we were sad, lol! We said, "No buddy, these are happy tears!" It was so sweet. To top it off, the woman who arranged the ceremony and the pastor who peformed it lost their first child, a girl, at five days old in 1979. I found out when she asked us how many children we have. Of course, I included Abby and ended up telling her about what happened. That's when she shared about her daughter, Anna. I immediately felt so connected to her. We cried and hugged and she gave me hope that time does heal and that even though there will always be that missing place in our family, we will find happiness again. I can't tell you how wonderful it was to marry that man all over again. I don't know what I'd do without him!!!

Bring The Rain

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through

The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind

To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray ...

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of
The clouds that may loom above
Because you are much greater than my pain

You who made a way for me
Suffering your destiny
So tell me, whats a little rain

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God almighty
Is the Lord God almighty

Jealous For Heaven

My husband's grandmother just celebrated her 91st birthday this week. Last night we went out to dinner with her and the extended family. As I sat next to her and her 95 year old best friend, I found myself feeling jealous!? I was jealous that they are at the end of their lives and very close to going to heaven ... that they know where they are going and all they have left to do is look forward to eternity. I am only 36 and have my whole life still ahead of me without my daughter. I know life is a blink in the light of eternity, but I can't help but feel that there will always be this empty hole in my heart where my daughter should be. I have peace in knowing she is with Jesus, but I still miss her every day and wish she was here, growing up with my son and living with us. I long for heaven (not in a suicidal way, just in a "want to get through this life and get there way," kwim?). I don't know what our future holds ... if or when we will have more children (we have been trying for six months and have a history of infertility) ... and it feels like it's never going to happen. I believe it will, but I am just feeling weary and ready for hope to show it's face ... it's been almost 9 months since I've held my daughter and I like to think that I am 9 months closer to holding her again. So I guess I'm just a little jealous of the old people who are closer to that reality than I am, as weird as that may sound!!!

You Comfort Me

when the night goes on forever...
oh, you comfort me...
how you comfort me...
when i'm cold in need of shelter...
oh, you comfort me...
how you comfort me...

when my life is hard and cold...
then you touch my heart and you warm my soul...
when love is hard to see...
then you take my hand and you rescue me...
yes, you do...

when i drift into the shadows...
oh, you comfort me...
yes, you comfort me...
when my life's a raging battle...
oh, you comfort me...
yes, you comfort me...

when my life is hard and cold...
then you touch my heart and you warm my soul...
when love is hard to see...
then you take my hand and you rescue me...
yes, you do, lord...

when the night goes on forever...
oh, you comfort me...
lord, how you comfort me...
when i'm cold in need of shelter...
oh, you comfort me...
i'm so thankful that you comfort me...

The Journey To Acceptance

I never realized what a long journey this would be. Grief. I knew it would be difficult, but never in a million years realized I would still have such deep valleys to trudge through almost nine months later. Ugh, grief! The peaks and valleys continue for what seems like forever and setbacks in my grief happen at the least expected moments. One step forward, two steps back. Endless waiting for relief. Unwanted companion, grief!!! Like most people, I have grieved the loss of pets and grandparents. I've even grieved the death of people I grew up with and parents of friends. I've grieved the loss of jobs and friendships. I've grieved the loss of hopes and dreams. But unlike most people, I am grieving the loss of my daughter. My baby. My child. I don't think there are adequate words in the English language to express my grief and what it has done to me. How it has changed me. Completely and utterly. I am certain that from the outside I must appear to most people to be doing very well. So many people have commented on my "strength." Well, I don't feel strong. I feel weak and helpless most of the time. I feel defeated and lost, too. But then there are times that I actually feel "normal" again, however brief those moments last. The time spent between those days is where I really live. It is filled with confusion, unsettledness, anxiety and avoidance. I often feel paralyzed by it. I feel that every ounce of what once was has been completely drained from my life. My life? I can't remember it let alone find it. And normal? What happened to normal? I don't know what normal is anymore. I am half way between who I was and who I am becoming, but currently I am neither. I am not the "old" me, but I am not the "new" me either. I am the "in between" me who is trying to figure this whole thing out ... the me who feels lost and trapped between the two. My enemy, anxiety, is the worst. My inability to make or keep a commitment frustrates me. The "old" me would never miss a beat ... not one appointment ... not one birthday ... not one bill. Since the "new" me hasn't arrived yet, the "in between" me has taken over and she is completely disorganized and forgets everything! She procrastinates. She's selfish. She can't make a decision. She is full of anxiety and frustration. One moment she seems happy, but then she is sad and angry all over again. And she wants this to be over. I hate her! I wish she would leave and the "new" me would just hurry up and get here. But it's just not that easy. There is more to be done before the "new" me can emerge. There is more healing ahead before she will be ready to make her appearance. I guess the first step to prepare the way for her is to accept that it is going to take time for her to get here. As much as I want to hurry up and get this over with, I can't rush it. Grief takes time. And many times it feels like too much time. But it is what it is and as soon as I embrace it and allow it to do it's work in me, maybe I will be able to see the "new" me on the horizon. I just know that I really miss the "old" me who was happy and innocent to this terrible pain and loss. But since I will never be able to get her back, I need to trust that this will not last forever and that what emerges from the ashes will be more beautiful and even better than before ...

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion--
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
~ Isaiah 61:1-3

Poem By Emilie

This wonderful poem was written for Abby by a very dear friend, who also just happens to be the mommy of another special angel baby, Logan. It is so sweet and precious. I just had to share it ...

Abby

Little bitty girl.
Perfect.
In Every
Every Single Way.
Soft, itsy bitsy feet....
And dimples in her hands.
Right where they should be.
Kissing and kissing and kissing her.
Never enough.
Never, never enough.
The sweet curls.....
Framing her face....
Dark.
Silky.
Winsome....
Her innocence.
Pure, and unblemished
For her very first breath.....
Not of this world.
But in Gods hands.

Moments With You

We went to our friends house for dinner tonight and afterwards sat in the back yard around a fire pit with the kids and his guitar. Then he asked me if he could share a song with us. It was a song he wrote for my baby, Abby, and their baby, Jesse, who they lost to miscarriage at 12 weeks four years ago. It is so beautiful and touched me so deeply. I just wanted to share it with you ...

"Moments With You"
Written for Abby & Jesse
By Lawrence Herlinger II
There's sweetness in the air
And a glow on her face
O there's nothingthat could darken this day
Cause the positive test
Brought joy to her soul as she thoughtabout the baby
That she would soon hold
But as time moved on
The fears did surround
Something was wrong
No heartbeat could be found

And her world crashed down
and she fell apart
And I can hear these words
bleeding from her heart
Why were you put in my life
For these momentsto just slip away?
I'm torn and broken inside
So many moments
I just hide away

A pink room was waiting
For a miracle to see
Butterflies and birds, flowers and bees
Every kick she felt
From her little girl made her think
About the moment
She was waiting for
And she prayed to God
The nurse was wrong
But the doctor said
I'm sorryYour baby is gone

And her world crashed down
and she fell apart
And I can hear these words
bleeding from her heart
Why were you put in my life
For these momentsto just slip away?
I'm torn and broken inside
So many moments
I just hide away

And I don't understand
as I'm walking through this pain
Why you left this world
before I even saw your face
But I'll look forward
till the day when we meet
But for now...play at Jesus' feet

And I don't know
Why you were put in my life
For these moments
To just slip away
But I'll cherish these moments I had
Every heartbeat and kick, every day
And I don't know
Why you were put in my life
For these momentsto just slip away
But I'll cherish these moments I had
Every heartbeat
Every kick
Every day