Three Months

It has been three months and three days since I held Abby in my arms for the first and last time. I almost don't have words for how I feel. I am numb and in a haze. I can barely remember her now. I have been dreaming more and more about that day and all of the events surrounding her death. I can't get them out of my mind, but I somehow can't remember seeing her face for the first time or how it felt to hold her in my arms. I want to remember and I want to forget. How I wish I could have heard her cry or felt her warm skin against mine. Or just to hear her breathe. The words are almost as hard to get out as the tears. Time is moving so fast and yet so slow. And so much has changed already. I want everything to stay the same. I want to go back to that cold November day and feel the joy of her kicking and the anticipation of her birth. I want Benjamin to hug my tummy and for her to actually still be there hugging him back. I want to erase the pain of death from his memory and bring him the joy of being the big brother again. I keep reliving the moment when we arrived at the hospital thinking we were going to bring home our baby girl and instead finding out that she was gone. "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat" keeps ringing in my mind. I believe and trust God, but I feel so empty without my baby girl. Our family is incomplete without her. I miss her so much. I can picture her in our house and what joy she would bring. Instead there is emptiness in her place. My arms are empty, my heart is broken. Benjamin is not a big brother. We have to go on as we were before, but nothing is the same. We were happy before, why can't we just return to that same happiness? Too much has changed. We will never be the same.