I wrote this for the High Country Support Group newsletter and it was published this month. It felt so good to remind others how to love the grieving at the holidays. Church groups, especially, can lean on platitudes and scripture when they just need to listen and love. It is my prayer that this article will encourage people to "mourn with those who mourn" this holiday season.
When Holidays Hurt
Emily Werner
“She died!” I remember having to say that to so many people that holiday season. We’d go out on an errand or out to do something “fun” and find some relief from our sadness, but would inevitably run into some well-meaning friend or acquaintance who last saw me with a big, round, pregnant belly, asking where the baby was. We were all ready to celebrate Christmas with our newborn daughter, but instead of buying her gifts, we were buying her a casket.
They say time heals all wounds, but time doesn’t heal. Love does! Time eases the pain, but it does not take it away. It just becomes … different. We will always miss her this side of Heaven. It’s the reality that we live with in this broken world. And a reality many others have had to endure as well.
As we approach the holidays, my heart always turns to my daughter, who would be turning 12 at the end of November. We now celebrate her life at the holidays, but I am also reminded of the hurting people who are not celebrating, but simply enduring the “most wonderful time of the year!” My heart is always moved with compassion from my own painful experience, so I wanted to take this opportunity to offer some practical ways you can help those you may know who are not going to have a Merry Christmas this year.
Instead of asking them to call you if they need something, tell them you are bringing dinner and set a date to do it. Also helpful is running errands, buying groceries or doing laundry. But, whatever you say you will do, do it. Don’t wait to be asked or expect them to call you for help. It will mean more if you remember on your own.
Avoid clichés and platitudes. We do not grieve as those without hope, but we do still grieve. Be willing to sit quietly beside them and be sad with them. Yes, it can be uncomfortable, but there is nothing like a friend who will sit with you in your sadness. Remember, we are called to “rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn!” (Romans 12:15).
Invite them to join you! You may think they don’t want to be with you, but it doesn’t hurt to ask. Invite and include them as much as possible—just remember they may not feel like celebrating. Be sensitive and understand that it’s okay if they are not okay. Just be present, patient and let them be a part of life without pushing.
Also understand if they don’t want to be a part of things. Contrary to the last point, they may not be able to do what they usually do to celebrate the holidays. Encourage them to start new traditions and don’t be hurt if they’ve always participated in yours and suddenly don’t want to. Let them decide what they need to do to be okay this year.
If they do decide to spend precious time with you, don’t be afraid to ask how they are doing or say their loved one’s name. But if you do, make sure you are able to listen without judging or trying to fix their pain. Jesus didn’t call us to fix each other, He called us to love each other. That is the kind of love that heals!
Emily Werner is the High Country Support Group Administrator, a Hope Mentor for the MISS Foundation and mom to 2 beautiful children who walk and 3 who soar! She’s been married to her best friend, Chad, for 21 years. If you or someone you know has lost a child, please visit www.missfoundation.org for compassionate support and resources.
