These are the only words I could find to post today for Abby's 9th birthday. I have sat here literally all morning trying to figure out what to say and that is all that would come out. My chest filled with pain as I clicked the post button and heard the first notification that someone "liked" my post. Then the tears finally flowed.
It is hard to process my feelings this far out from her death. In some ways, it feels like yesterday that I held her in my arms for the last time and, in other ways, it feels like a dream. I feel relief having finally posted something, anything, that makes it real. She WAS here. She DID live. She DID die. It was NOT a dream (or a nightmare). I feel the fear and pain leaving my body now as I get these feelings out, trapped by time. Time is a funny thing. It can make memories seem distant or near, depending on whether you draw them close or push them away. But when I recall the time I had with her, really close my eyes, I am transported to those tender moments, seeing her beautiful face, her tiny hands, her blue fingernails, the raw pain of loss and anguish over her death, the utter, complete lostness of it all (I know that is not a word, but it is the only thing that comes even close to expressing what I feel).
I can relive those moments any time and any way that I choose. So, I today choose to relive them with joy and thankfulness. Some people say her death was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I say it was one of the best things to ever happen to me. She changed me forever and I will have her forever. She is not lost, but waiting. Someday I will be with her. In the meantime, her life and death gave me many gifts. She gave me love, compassion, understanding, faith, strength, wisdom, patience, endurance, perseverance and so much more. She changed my life in the best way. A little girl now sits at our table who quite possibly would not be here if it weren't for her life and death. My life has more depth and meaning than ever before. She gave me purpose.
A passage of Scripture was given to me by my brother when Abby died. I wrote it on a notecard and taped it in my kitchen to remind me every day of it's truth:
"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." ~ Psalm 27:13-14
I have seen the goodness of the Lord. He has been so compassionate and good to me. When a child loses her parents, she is called an orphan. When a wife loses her husband, she is called a widow. There is no word for a mother who loses her child, but I know that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. I am living proof.
Ironically, the other night, I was going to bed with relief after a couple of months of financial stress related to my husband's job finally came to an end. I picked up my Bible and it was bookmarked at Psalm 116. I did not bookmark this passage, so it was "coincidence" that this is the passage that was marked. Here is what it says ...
I love God because he listened to me,
listened as I begged for mercy.
He listened so intently
as I laid out my case before him.
Death stared me in the face,
hell was hard on my heels.
Up against it, I didn’t know which way to turn;
then I called out to God for help:
“Please, God!” I cried out.
“Save my life!”
God is gracious—it is he who makes things right,
our most compassionate God.
God takes the side of the helpless;
when I was at the end of my rope, he saved me.
I said to myself, “Relax and rest.
God has showered you with blessings.
Soul, you’ve been rescued from death;
Eye, you’ve been rescued from tears;
And you, Foot, were kept from stumbling.”
I’m striding in the presence of God,
alive in the land of the living!
I stayed faithful, though bedeviled,
and despite a ton of bad luck,
Despite giving up on the human race,
saying, “They’re all liars and cheats.”
What can I give back to God
for the blessings he’s poured out on me?
I’ll lift high the cup of salvation—a toast to God!
I’ll pray in the name of God;
I’ll complete what I promised God I’d do,
and I’ll do it together with his people.
When they arrive at the gates of death,
God welcomes those who love him.
Oh, God, here I am, your servant,
your faithful servant: set me free for your service!
I’m ready to offer the thanksgiving sacrifice
and pray in the name of God.
I’ll complete what I promised God I’d do,
and I’ll do it in company with his people,
In the place of worship, in God’s house,
in Jerusalem, God’s city.
Hallelujah!
