I just found out a couple of weeks ago that my mom has lung cancer. She is 66. I am 40. She has smoked since she was a teenager. She insists that the doctor told her that her cancer is unrelated to smoking which is driving me mad. She said the doctor told her after her surgery (when she will have the upper part of her left lung removed) he expects her to quit, but until then she can smoke. I have decided to leave her alone about it until after the surgery, but if I see a cigarette in her hand, so help me God, I will have words with her. I will not watch her kill herself.
I find that I am going through all of the normal stages of grief as I process what this could mean for our family -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression -- I'm back on the rollercoaster. My primary emotion has been anger, although I have bargained and cried. I am angry that she doesn't see that her life is not just her own. I am angry that she does not see that her children and grandchildren still want and need her here. I am angry at her selfishness.
Lord, help me to love my mom and to forgive her for only thinking of herself through this time. Help me think of what she needs and not what I need even though what I really need is a mom. Give her what she does not deserve; what none of us deserves ... your love.
